Please help - 99.9% sure DH has cheated but he won't admit or leave!

[Angie48]

I even though about crashing the car into a wall last night because this has affected my MH so badly.

I suspected my DH of 23 years was up to something when I realised a condom was missing at the end of last month. I only started checking the condoms as we'd been having lots of sex which got my spidery senses up , he was religiously going to the gym after work and not getting home until close to 10 pm, disconnected from DC, only connected to when we were having sex, started moisturising his body, taking lots of selfies etc.

Anyway he had just left for the gym on his day off when I found the condom was missing so I stupidly called him and asked him why he'd taken a condom with him! Obviously I blew it there and then. He denied one was missing so I decided to check his ipad history and see if I could see anything amiss when I realised that I could also see his location on it as it was linked to his phone. He did actually go to the gym but I called him when he was driving so potentially he could have called off whatever plans he had made. He was wearing a new top too rather than gym clothes.

So that's what started me checking up on him more thoroughly as I wanted to be wrong!

Since then I have found evidence he has been on 3 separate dating sites from as far back as 2011. He insists he didn't sign up and his details were taken from Facebook, although he has obviously opened one as he disabled the text and email notifications leaving only the android one enabled. I set up a profile on the same site and all the notifications were enabled as standard. On one he doesn't have a profile picture, on another he does.

I have also noticed lots of android messaging on his google history which doesn't tally with messages on his phone. It's definitely the same device. He has allowed me to go through his phone but I think he may have put it in 'private' mode which I didn't know existed until yesterday. He has no private folder or vault type tech on it.

The thing is according to his location history he hasn't been where he shouldn't have since the beginning of this year, except it shows him walking across the road to an address two streets away a couple of times in June, so either he currently has someone at work and they do it on the premises or he doesn't. I can't check back to 2014 obviously. I know he walks around the site on his break for fitness so he could have explained the nearby address by saying that was a route he took but he insisted he'd never been near it.

He is telling me I'm crazy, I've ruined his life, he only stays for the DC and most importantly he won't let the DC think he had an affair if we do split. He only cares about saving his own face in front of DC and his family. I realise he has no feelings for me. I was sobbing silently in bed the night before last as the enormity of idea that he has been cheating for over 8 years hit me and he was just screaming at me to shut up. He won't sleep anywhere else. I spent a night in the sofa but won't be kicked out of my bed due to him.

I have asked him to leave. He has said I will have to call the police to get rid of him. Obviously there are DC in the middle, we have paper thin walls so they have overheard stuff.

I don't know what to do. He's gone to work this morning after slathering himself in aftershave, moisturising, spraying eau de toilette I bought him all over himself. Absolutely no care in the world.

He's a HGV driver BTW (but no overnights).

We also had a sex less marriage between 2015 and 2018. I was dealing with something really distressing concerning my family. He had no empathy at all.

I have posted about this before!

I remember your last thread. He told you all you were good for was as mother to his DC?

Obviously you can't live like this. Time to sort out your options re splitting up.

He won't though. He doesn't want to lose face to family and DC.

He said he has accepted he has had to stay with me as he had DC with me.

Erm you can divorce him he doesn't need your permission!!

How do I get him out of the house without causing a big scene then? He has family to stay with but he'd have to explain which he obviously doesn't want to do.

How old are the DC? Are they old enough to have their own opinions. You can not go on like this - no one deserves to be lied to like this .

There is nothing stopping you from telling the family, he may be pissed off but it is then out in the open, can’t be much worse than living like this x

How do I get him out of the house without causing a big scene then? He has family to stay with but he'd have to explain which he obviously doesn't want to do

You tell him he has 48 hours to tell them what ever he wants to to get him out of the house or you will call and tell them the truth.

Do you have family to support you?

Stop caring what he wants,he cares enough about that for the both of you...and half the town. What is the housing situation?

If the place is souly in your name, change the locks when he is put and take his stuff to his parents. YOU tell them that you have found he has logged into numerous dating sites over the years and you're finished with him.

Don't let him make you lie for him to cover up his shit. Its not your job to protect Hus fake ass squeaky clean image.

If he has his name on the place you stay then either call his parents and tell them what he has done and text him to say 'don't come home, I've told your parents so you can stay with them whilst I dort out moving/selling the house'. OR you move out and let him stay on the premisis.

Shame these sorts of people - exposing them for who they are to others gets them busy doing damage control on their image. And hopefully, encourages them to do the right thing (move out) to save face.

Really the cheating is nothing on comparison to him being a nasty bully who is cruel, cold and compassionless. But yes,he has been cheating too.

It doesn’t matter whether you can prove he has cheated or not, the trust is gone. How about visiting a solicitor as a first step and getting legal advice about your situation just so you know where you stand?

I had gone through a horrendous time leading up to the sex less period with my family. I had an anxiety disorder which I attributed to the death of our 2nd child so I went into therapy where I had to confront my childhood abuse, which I had been in denial about, with my mother leading to my whole family disowning me. Then a protracted period of grief. Throughout that time H was very unsympathetic even telling me he'd never had married me if he knew how fucked up I was (was sexually abused too). He offered no comfort. He even told my very attractive younger sister she was 'hot' during this period, dismissing it as joke. I have always felt very alone, always found it difficult to make friends due to being the family scapegoat which too me until I was 40 to realise.

I was out of it for a number of years but still functioning well for the DC. Have been overweight but I have worked on that recently hence his renewed interest in sex but still no affection at all, which I have been desperate for.

His culture will be very disapproving if he's cheated. Divorce is rare. I think he thinks he would have be justified in cheating as I was such a mess as long as the family was still together. His family think very highly of me too.

Looking back now all the signs were there. Working late some nights. He always had a 'gym bag' in the car. He always made sure he smelled nice when he works in very male dominated industry. I knew women fancied him as he is good looking with a great body. In a weird way I could understand it if he had cheated.

I can't believe that he hasn't with all I've found out though. Hell, he could have booked days off I wouldn't have known about.

I feel sick and shaky constantly but I can't break down due to DC always being around. We have 4 from age 9 up to 22. Oldest one has overheard and is aware of the dating sites. She also agrees Facebook didn't sign him up accidentally .

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but in the grand scheme of things does it matter if he admits to an affair or you can prove it? From your post it sounds like neither of you want to be married. I’d take control and leave him - initiate divorce proceedings whilst living with him if you have to. But don’t spend time worrying and stressing whether he had an affair. That’s not going to do your mental health any good.
The kids will know something is going on and will see the way he treats you. It shouldn’t need him to admit to an affair for them to understand.

Ah the good old MN ducking school.

He has cheated: LTB
He hasn’t cheated: the trust has gone, so LTB

There’s not a lot in the op’s posts to suggest anything more than she is very suspicious. No message from an OW, no firm evidence of him being where he shouldn’t be, nothing.

People need to remember that they are talking to real life people about their real world problems.

If things are that bad, why don’t you leave?

You don't need evidence or 'permission' to leave him - being unhappy is enough.

If you aren't happy - and it sounds as if you aren't - then what is going to change for you to get value out of this marriage? If he is unsupportive, critical and you think he's being unfaithful, then think carefully about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

Your marriage is over in all but name. Start divorce proceedings, you don't need evidence of an affair, his treatment of you is enough to end it if that is what you want or do you personally need proof to be able to start divorce proceedings?

I am so sorry for the loss of your child.

@thedancingbear your relationship standards are incredibly low if you think this is a marriage worth staying in.

I would get legal advice and start divorce proceedings.

It may be that you can influence his behaviour by saying you'll go for unreasonable behaviour or even 2 years separation (if you're prepared to wait) rather than adultery, if he'll move out quietly, given the stigma and saving face. But you have to come from a position of strength and sound pretty darn implacable on this for it to work.

If you only posted this one post - my reaction would be to say that it sounds very over the top. There just isn’t enough to go for - one missing condom seems to have lead to you creating a story you are sure off.
But on the face of it - everything else doesn’t have to mean an affair - can also just mean a midlife crisis.
However - you both sound unhappy. Itis irrelevant if there has been any cheating. It’s not a life for either of you or the children.

As to getting him out of the house - you are being unreasonable. It’s his house just as well.
If you want to live separately - start the divorce officially.

"There’s not a lot in the op’s posts to suggest anything more than she is very suspicious. No message from an OW, no firm evidence of him being where he shouldn’t be, nothing."

Wrong. She found he had signed up on dating sites. What was he doing on those then? And no, FB does NOT sign you up on them automatically.