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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I Leave?

10 replies

PickledLilly · 19/10/2019 12:08

I am trying to plan to leave my long term partner but don’t have a lot of money. I’ve received a bit of a slating from some posters on another thread saying that as he doesn’t hit me, I should stay with him for the sake of the children and I’m being selfish considering taking my children away from their nice house and secure life when I’m not in actual danger.

I’ll run through the salient points as quickly as I can to prevent a too long post:

No sex life (at his insistence)
Porn addiction (but he doesn’t do it anymore, apparently)
Messages to prostitutes (proven and on multiple occasions spanning years)
Use of prostitutes (strenuously denied, no proof but who only messages them trying to arrange sex and doesn’t actually use them?)
Moody, grumpy
Massive selfish manchild who does bugger all around the house
Sees the children as my job but ‘helps’ with some things
No shared interests or time spent together, we just live under the same roof
No affection
Controlling? Questionable but is always asking who I’m texting etc even though I never know where he is or what he’s doing he wants to know the ins and outs of everything I do and why
Two lots of couples counselling he attended just long enough to placate me then never bothered with again
Total lack of communication or willingness to change anything despite constant empty promises to change

These are the ones off the top of my head, I’m sure there’s more.

I have taken my time, planned, tried to save what little I can and I’m getting to the point where I just don’t want to be here anymore. So, am I being selfish for wanting to be on my own, even if it means financial struggles? Because apparently, if a man doesn’t actually hit you, you should just put up with it Hmm

OP posts:
Freakedrt · 19/10/2019 12:09

No .

You are definately doing the right thing

Freakedrt · 19/10/2019 12:10

I don’t know if there is someone on
Mumsnet who can give you advice on how to get financial help .

You don’t need to stay in an unhappy relationship just for financial reasons .

Krazynights34 · 19/10/2019 12:12

Goodness. Leave as soon as you can. What a foul and cruel person he sounds. I hope you can get away soon.

PickledLilly · 19/10/2019 12:22

See, that’s what I thought. I didn’t get into the reasons I wanted to leave in the previous thread as that not really what It was about but people kept saying that if he doesn’t actually hit you, you should just suck it up and stay, as though DV is the only valid reason to leave a relationship unless you’re wealthy enough to just buy another house. I’m not happy, surely that’s enough reason to change my life? I made it clear that the welfare of my children is paramount, hence why I’ve already stayed years longer than I wanted to but seemingly, a nice house is more important?!

OP posts:
Dljlr · 19/10/2019 12:25

When I told my mum I was leaving my unhappy marriage her first reaction was 'but he doesn't beat you'. That's a pretty low fucking threshold for staying in a miserable relationship. Do what's right for you.

RLEOM · 19/10/2019 12:33

After being with a porn addict myself, I'd 100% say leave. Staying eats away at your self esteem.

PickledLilly · 19/10/2019 12:39

RLEOM, I’ve already been with him nearly ten years, my self esteem is long gone!

OP posts:
crystalize · 19/10/2019 13:01

I'm shocked anyone would suggest you staying in this appalling marriage. He has zero respect for you. What on earth are you waiting for? Get rid!!!

PickledLilly · 19/10/2019 13:04

I didn’t get into all the reasons WHY he’s a dickhead in the other post so perhaps they thought I was willing to turn my life up said down because I was a bit bored or something Hmm

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 19/10/2019 13:09

I'm really sorry you got such terrible comments before.

You are of COURSE doing the right thing. Good luck.

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