After a long time of wondering why I felt so uncomfortable, sad, confused and angry around my parents, mixed in with some great times too, I’ve finally decided to get therapy. I’m nervous about it because I don’t know if I even have anything worth talking about. The therapist has said for my first session (we had an informal session last week), to think about key things growing up that confused or hurt me. I’ve been doing this and I’m worried they are silly things that happen to everyone? I’ve listed them here for some perspective and harsh truths. It could be that my problems as an adult don’t relate to this at all.
- no privacy, diary read aloud one evening as I begged my dad to stop
- I was allergic to horses and every week was taken to stables so my younger sibling could ride. When my eyes started to stream and I couldn’t see, I was told I was making it up and trying to ruin things
- wasn’t allowed certain foods or preferences, was never ever allowed to cook for myself, use washing machine or make any decisions at all like this. On the occasions I tried my mum would be hysterical saying I was making a mess or was going to break her appliances
- constantly called a nightmare to bring up, this was said in front of my parents friends and other family members and in comparison to younger sibling
- if I got upset I was called sensitive and dramatic, there was never ever opportunity to sit down and talk to either parent. They didn’t do talking about things.
- at school I would be immaculate. One day my tights laddered on the way in (age 8) and I was told that was it now my teachers would think I was scruffy and my mum was embarrassed I was her daughter. There was so much pressure that I could never sleep as a child and everything was about achievement
- called hitlers daughter repeatedly
- smacked, dragged round the house, clumps of hair everywhere on a regular basis usually when I wouldn’t go to bed
- age 18 going to the summer dance at school, my friend spilled water down her dress before we left and she laughed and said it would dry. A few days later my mum asked why I couldn’t be more like this friend and how nice it would be to have a daughter like that
- when I had an eating disorder growing up, I had zero help. My parents were wealthy and spent thousands a month on all sorts of things to help with academics or new cars or holidays. I resent that they didn’t pay for me to see someone about my eating.
- when my sibling began to play hockey nationally, I was left alone from 7am to 11pm every Saturday, between ages 14-17. One summer i didn’t see my family for a month because they were travelling with my sibling. I was upset about this and told that I should get some interests.
- strangely as an adult my sibling is very defensive about my career v hers. I’ve actually become much more ‘successful’ from an outsider’s perspective. This has made me wonder what damage was done to her growing up too.
- if there is ever any sort of family argument these days, I am told I have always been difficult and they were brilliant parents who gave me everything.
We’ve had lots of nice times so it is very hard sometimes to think about these things. But as I’ve got older I’ve noticed that friends and colleagues don’t seem to have an opinion of me like my parents did. So I wonder what is the real me? Who am I? I feel lost. I don’t think I am horrible or difficult or unreasonable. But if you asked my parents that’s exactly what they would say. Maybe I’m a narcissist for not recognising it in myself? I’m just lost.