How can I get over me ex-husband

[dalmationdotty]

Just wanted a safe place to express my feelings.
Been separated over 2 years now. Husbands choice but we both weren’t happy really. He called it a day because I would never have been strong enough to end it. Been a very emotional two years. I’ve met someone else who I’m happy with and I’m getting used to the new life I have now. Kids seem happy and well adjusted. My ex ad I co-parent well I feel. My Ex has met someone too. Been together about 10 months I think?? They split for a while and then recently got back together. She hasn’t met my kids yet. Anyway my ex called me yesterday as he was going round to our neighbours house with his GF to watch the rugby and wanted to make sure the kids and I wouldn’t be around as he doesn’t want them bumping into her yet. He said that when she meets them it’ll be arranged not by accident. I immediately felt myself get incredibly pissed off. I went from casual chatty to one word curt answers. I couldn’t help it. I know I’m being totally unreasonable and stupid. I just don’t like the thought of him moving on, our friends meeting her. Her doing the things I used to do with him. I can hear them all cheering next door at the rugby. It’s making me feel very sad. I’ve always had a little hope we might sort things out. Several times over the last year I’ve thought about saying something to him but fear and humiliation of rejection has stopped me. Even tho I’m with someone I still miss my ex and the life we had and the family unit. Am I just being incredibly selfish or is this normal??

You’re still mourning the loss of the life you had. It sounds like you still love him, which must make it so hard to watch him moving on. But he has moved on and so must you. Take time to grieve for what you had and what you envisaged would be your future, then you need to move on. I don’t think you should be in a relationship with someone else at the moment, it’s not fair on him. Make sure you keep your connections to your joint friends or you could be edged out. Hope you start to feel better soon.

@dalmationdotty... this sounds so painful. I totally get what you mean about them socialising with neighbours / friends etc. That was the thing that terrified me most during the 8 months or so that my DH and I were separated. In our case, the new GF didn’t get introduced to anyone and DH and I are back together - but the thought of it made me want to be physically sick at the time.

It might not help but he is at least respecting your and your DC position by letting you know. And it’s good he is not forcing GF onto DC too soon. It’s been 2 years so it’s not like he is bringing her in to social groups 5 mins after leaving.

I think you need to either have the conversation with him as to whether you two are truly over or pull up your big girl pants and move forward. Even if you don’t get the response you want, nothing is worse than being in limbo.

I think it's normal. You can see him really moving on a yearn for your family back. In these times try thinking back at the bad times that brought you to not want to be with him. We often romanticise the relationship and get depressed thinking about a phantom relationship we "desired" and not actually the one we "had". Time will heal, dont be hard on urself for feeling that way. Carry on thinking forwards

Yes I think I’ve been in denial for 2 years hence why we aren’t divorced yet. The thought of those papers being signed make me sick. He’s applied for the decree nisi a year ago and I still can’t believe it. We’ve been together since my teens. He was my first everything. We split for a few tears in my twenties but I always felt we’d get back together and we did. Now I’m in my forties. I still think it’s like last time, a long break. But I don’t think it is. I think he has moved on. Men can do that. Very cut and dry.
Yes I know there was a reason I was unhappy, his total lack of emotional intelligence and inability to communicate and his controlling ways. I have to remember I’ve come a long way and worked so hard to support myself and my kids financially. One of the reasons I couldn’t leave him was because I didn’t think I’d be able I cope money-wise but I have. Anyway..... maybe I’ll write him a heartfelt letter explaining my thoughts and feelings and then throw it in the bin. Life goes on I guess and so much I.
Just feeling very very sad about it.

My husband left me in August 2014, and decree absolute in December 2016, but I can still say I desperately miss him.
I shouldn't - he left me for my best friend whom he has now married. He also refuses to have anything whatsoever to do with me, not acknowledging texts etc, despite saying 'we'll always be there for you' etc etc etc.

Like you, we'd been together since my teens. 20 years of shared history, so I feel like I've lost all those memories too. And all the traditions and rituals we had built up as a tiny little family.

I find that heartbreaking. Not the loss of the man himself, but the loss of the life I knew. The loss of the only adult life I knew.

I haven't found anyone else, and I suspect my degree of 'grief' is abnormal, but I do recognise what you are saying and some degree must be usual?

Aw Oxcat
I do understand. I’ve had a good think over the past weeks and I need to start living my life. Live in the now not the past and who knows it might actually turn out to be a better life than if we’d stayed together? It’s good to reflect but since I’ve made my mind up to just let that go and be happy for today I’ve felt a lot better on the whole xx big hugs to you

is this normal?

100% being normal, I left my DW and it took me 1 year into a new relationship to get over her. I say this but to this day, I still look at her with love when I see her... sexually I still think of her too which I hate because I haven't been with her for 3 years.