I want to walk out !

[Katem2104]

I’m 46 and have been married for 27 years , I’m Muslim and the marriage was arranged for me. He is born in Pakistan and I am born here in the uk. I was only 19 when I got margined and never questioned my parents on their choice .. he wasn’t even the type of man I would go for and I have been embarrassed to be seen out with him as he doesn’t dress like I’d want him to. He didn’t attempt to change anything about himself so I left him him to it.
Two kids later (one is 22 and the other one is 9) and I have never had any interest in him sexually, I cringe every time I have to sleep with him! So my needs are not being met physically or emotionally! I don’t share anything with him my problems etc as he thinks they are not important and has thrown it back in my face further down the line. He hates the way I dress and has always criticised me heavily as I dress more western than the traditional pakistani style that he likes. Iv always obeyed him - and now I’m fed up I want to leave. I met a man 4 years ago that I’m deeply in love with and he wants to be with me. Yes I’m having an affair with him as my marriage is empty.
I really want to leave my husband (not necessarily for this man) but I want to be free to do what I like. As my life has been dominated by my husband, he has controlled me a lot and not allowed me to have any sort of social life. I know he loves me , but I’m not in love with him. I hate physical intimacy with him and he knows it. He just feels as an Islamic woman I need to fulfill his needs! What about my needs though???
I’m desperate and dying to get out. I do t hate my husband as he has provided for me for 27 years but we have nothing in common, and Iv cheated on him all through the marriage (he doesn’t know this..) I can’t do it anymore!! Culturally I’m finding it so hard to leave as I do not have a ‘valid’ reason??? I’m so stuck !!!

What would a valid reason be?

I think you know you need to go. Can you support yourself? Do you have anywhere you could go to immediately?

Being very unhappy for many years is valid enough to leave. I hope you do and can find happiness

Your culture supports the denigration of women. Fuck that and fuck them. Set yourself free and get out of this marriage. You are a person and your needs matter.

Ohyesiam a valid reason is domestic violence, infidelity being treated badly not having your needs met? I have everything , a nice house , car etc.. I’m not happy though Iv spent all these years just dealing with things.. he does control me but will never admit that he does.. I want a man I can love equally back?
I’m currently looking for a house to rent for me and my 9 year old. I do want to leave but I keep being influenced by my pakistani culture? Women don’t walk out??

There's no valid reason to be married to him. You find him a turn off and don't particularly like him (and rightly so.)

Go for it. Best wishes xxxx

Op, don't think me rude but is there any risk of bringing shame to the family or causing dishonour if you leave? Would it put you at risk to do so?

Your reasons are valid. You are allowed to be happpy.

Have you got a practical plan?

We only get 1 life... im glad you are atrong enough to know your feelings and needs matter. Would you be at risk if you left? Do you think your family could end up understanding and supporting you?. Just because it goes against your cultural grain you shouldnt have to have a life of misery... your circumstances do make it that much harder but id imagine not impossible ... best wishes x

It sounds like you have been enslaved for so many years. You live here in the UK where people are free,within the law,to do as they like. The fact that you or he is a Muslim has no bearing on it. You can pack your bags right now and walk out the door or institute divorce proceedings.

Thank you everyone for your responses. The guy I’m seeing is offering to help with anything I need and finanacially too? But I do want to make it by myself, yes I do work and I’m looking for a place to stay .
I really appreciate your help thanks everyone.

This is a common problem for western women who marry into other "cultures." Definitely leave, life is too short to be miserable. However, it's how it will impact on your 9-year-old. Then again, a single happy mum is better than a married miserable one. Just make sure you allow lots of contact between the children and their father, try to keep it as calm and normal as possible for them.

Life really is too short to be stuck in an unhappy marriage, especially a marriage that you didn’t choose. I think you need to be totally honest with yourself and your husband, providing it is safe to do so. Like another poster, I don’t mean to sound culturally insensitive, but would there be any repercussions if you were to leave? It’s easy for us to advise you to pack your bags and leave (or ask your husband to leave) but if that was to jeopardise your safety or put you at risk in any way then you may need to seek outside help specifically for people in your situation.

My heart aches for you. I can only imagine how torn you must feel with an obligation to your husband and your religion / culture and your own happiness.

Consider what example you would like to set to the next generation of women? Would you prefer they give themselves to a life in the service of their husbands at the request of their families or that they carve their own path?

I would suggest you remember that you given much of yourself to your husband and he has two wonderful children of his own.

Secondly remember that as much as you belong to your culture, you are also a British woman living in Britain and you are afforded all of the rights and protections that come with that.

You deserve some happiness in your life, whether with this other man or just to be free to be yourself.

Woukd you be safe if you left? Would your family disown you?
This is no way to live and you have for nearly three decades now, I think what you need to do is speak to the rights of women? Reason being your rights as a human being and a woman, regardless of faith but you need to be safe?

Emotional abuse is recognised in this country as a crime. As PP said you're British and you have rights.
A lot of your OP talks about coercive controlling behaviour and could be seen as emotional abuse. (not allowing you a social life, controlling you, criticising what you wear). Plus he is making you have sex against your will. For me that's bordering on rape - I don't see why it should be different for you. What would happen if you refused?
Just because you are from a Muslim culture doesn't mean you should put up with this. Are your family on the scene at all. Would any of them be sympathetic? I'd like to think if one of my relativies was this unhappy I wouldn't be advising them to stay,

You were 19 years old and forced to marry someone that was selected for you. That's tough. You've spent all these years doing something (being married to who you were told to marry) but now it's time to live your life the way you want to live it and who you want to live it with. Best of luck to you ♥️

You can't live by your culture. As much as it means to you. If your not happy leave, you won't be the first and definitely not the last, it's just never spoke about when it's happened before, just do what makes you happy. Go be on your own and do it by yourself so no one can throw it in your face ! Good luck x

You have far more reasons to leave this, for you, loveless marriage than you have to stay.

Click on this link and scroll down to find your nearest Women's Aid service
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and ask for recommendations for solicitors who specialise in domestic abuse.

While you may not think or believe you are being abused, controlling and coercive behaviour such as your h displays to you is very definitely domestic abuse and, unfortunately, is not uncommon in your culture.