Should I do something?

[MrUnknown]

I’m close friends with a lovely mid forties married couple who live close by, known them some years now. I’ve recently discovered that the husband has been having casual sex with men for many years and is now having a close relationship with another man. I feel awful knowing all of this whilst his poor wife has no clue. What should I do? I know it’s none of my business..but if my wife was having an affair with another woman I’d want to know.

Hello. Oh dear. Not nice. In my experience tho, things like this have a habit of moving along by themselves. I'd therefore probably avoid them for a bit and wait to see what happens next. Or, the wife knows and accepts it? In which case, their monkeys I suppose?

Thanks for your reply. I have nobody to talk to about this hence why I’ve joined here for some advice. Maybe you’re right and I should keep quiet, it will unfold eventually. Even I found it a massive shock. His wife won’t have a clue, she thinks they’re blissfully happy. They also have a 19 year old son. I feel for them all, especially as the husband isn’t exactly trying to hide the relationship, it’s like he wants to get caught, the other guy comes to their house when wife and son are out. They spend so much time together and he has him listed on his Facebook friends too.

It’s a bit grim,it’s like he can’t say it himself and wants somebody else to tell her. Twat

How well do you know him? Is it worth speaking to him about it in private? I really don't envy your position tbh. Not sure exactly what you'd say to him either. Maybe he's been living a lie for so long and wants to be found out if he's being so blatant about it.

How can you be sure she doesn't know?

Very grim if she's still having sex with him, she could be catching anything.

Maybe you're right and he does want to be caught, but is too much of a coward to just tell her. I think it's disgraceful and I feel very strongly about affairs. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell an acquaintance like I would for a friend or family member but if it ever came up in a relevant conversation then I'd not lie for anyone.

I would maybe speak to the husband in private.

How did you find out op. Are you sure? Thr friend could be just that?

I’m in a similar situation but it’s the wife having an affair with another woman. I think this type of thing is much more common that you realise. I’d just leave it alone. I’m guessing she probably knows on some level

If you are close friends with the couple then you should tell her

I agree that if you're close you should tell her.

You can't get involved. Nobody will thank you. It could be that she prefers to turn a blind eye and is happy being married to him.
That's exactly what my mother does. She turns a blind eye to his affairs, always has as she enjoys her very comfortable life.
You just don't know know what goes on behind the scenes.
Even if she doesn't know do you want to be responsible for breaking up a family.

It's the messenger who gets shot.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

If he wants to get himself caught out, he will. My guess is that he will have an exit affair and get caught by the wife....
But as a previous poster has said, she may already know and just be happy as she is.

Hopefully she is getting sti tested, that's the only problem.....If she doesn't know she could be catching all sorts of diseases.

Or you could take the cowards way out and type up an anonymous note letting her know what is going on and you are concerned for her health and well being.

If she knows about the affairs, she will throwaway letter and carry on with her life.
If she doesn't know, she will be able to confront things and know that they are both living a lie.

This is just a suggestion.

I personally hate cheaters and knowing that my best friend knew about my husband's affairs and said nothing to me, really hurt me. She is no longer a friend.
If people don't have my back..... they can fuck off!

OP, here's what I would do - try to have an abstract conversation with the wife about whether or not one would want to know if ones partner was having an affair. Make up a story about a friend, having read something or whatever and as casually as you can, probe her for what she'd prefer. Then take it from there.

Once upon a time I'd have said definitely tell her on the basis that the truth is always preferable to a lie (and certainly to being complicit in one) and I would damn sure want to know, however painful or disruptive to my life. However I've been very surprised over the years by how many people say they wouldn't want to know or be told so I think this would be my course of action now!

Thank you all for your advice. I’m going to have a think about it...it’s a tough one. Like some say, she may know and brush it under the carpet in which case I wouldn’t want to upset that but then on the flip side, she may not know (which I strongly believe is the case but could be wrong). Enjoy your evening all x

Tread carefully otherwise it could be a case of 'shoot the messenger'.

If you haven't actually caught him dtd with a variety of men, including his latest 'friend', what proof do you have to back up your allegation(s)?

A mutual friend informed me that this was happening a few months back. I didn’t take much notice until I actually saw them together on our housing estate. I saw the husband with a man fitting the same description as our friend had described and it was confirmed when I saw them kiss and hold hands for a brief moment.