Hello,
I need some advice...I am a 40(f) single parent to a 3 year old. She stays at her daddy's for 5 nights every two weeks (4 nights one week, one night the 2nd week). Having never been a 'proper couple' and finding myself single since being pregnant, we managed to come to an amicable agreement (contact and child maintanance levels) between ourselves.
He asked for 50/50 shared residency towards the end of last year when he found out his job was "changing", to which I said no. I felt it was not in our daughter's best interests for a few reasons such as her age, the distance between us, his job (which involves a car, and time away on business) and who would be looking after her if I wasn't (I was commuting 60 miles for a job which, along with the childcare costs was not doing me any favours at all and so I decided to take a step back from work until our daughter starts school next year). He sought 50/50 again in Feb this year following the change to his job, but ramped it up a few gears by dragging me to Mediation. During the pre-cursor to the Mediation sessions, I declared how much I am paid in child support, where I was advised that my daughter's dad is paid substantially more in comparison and has been doing since the beginning of the year. (This was April) I suggested a review of child support, both outside of Mediation and within but he did not want to discuss his earnings. He was asked if he could say that the difference between what he pays and what he "should" be paying (contentious to some) is what he provides in terms of additional support for me and our daughter and he said he could. I was dumbfounded and too upset from being there in the 1st place to say I don't receive anything else. Maybe if I asked every month but no, I couldn't ask for that. After Mediation failed (My views to 50/50 residency still stood), I let the dust settle before plucking up the courage to ask the child maintenance service for help.
I did that 3 weeks ago. In light of his promotion, he was told he needed to pay nearly £200 a month more than what I had been receiving. At this point, he suggested that we could still do this without the CMS tag, that he would pay what the Government thought he should be paying, that we could have a proper agreement drawn up which could be signed, dated and that a review could be carried out between us each year. I called up CMS to cancel.
The next morning, he got in touch again to say that after a sleep, he thought it would be fairer to "meet in the middle" - there are days outside of our agreement that maybe we want our daughter for a reason that falls on the other parent's time, or maybe we want cover instead and that when we do, we ask each other and it works. Except now, those additional days that he has requested to have our daughter overnight are being 'bartered'...that in his eyes, those days should count towards his overall agreed time and therefore, he should pay a lesser amount each month. After collecting my thoughts, I felt it best to re-instate the agreement with CMS and that he could appeal any amount asked of him.
Roll on 3 weeks to now, and when it comes to covering and who will have our daughter overnight in each other's absence, he has asked that he will only be approaching me for cover in the event that no one else can and that the same applies for me.
Our daughter is 3 years old...maybe regardless of age, how is that - by not having the other parent as the 1st port of call in their absence - in a child's best interests?
Am I right to be upset by his actions? Did I 'ask for it' by getting the CMS involved? Can I refuse permission? Some advice or anything, would be really appreciated...I'm so sorry it is such a long message. I don't have a huge network of support anymore to share my burdens with.