Christmas - Seperated parents?

[Mum2Girls90]

How do you arrange Christmas?
Following a right shit year me and dp split around 3 months ago. He sees our DD’s one evening a week and EOW. We have been discussing arrangements for Christmas being I have them in the morning and he has them from 2pm onwards....

Something about that makes me incredibly sad. He has asked if for one day we can spend it together. I would be on my own once girls have gone as no contact with other family members and I respect my friends have their own lives/families.
I’ve considered picking up a shift at work so I wouldn’t be at home alone.

Any advice?

I did Xmas day on my own last year, 2 DCs went to ex. I had my "Xmas Day" with them on Xmas Eve instead. I don't have many friends, wasn't able to work as all off for the holidays. I enjoyed time to myself, drinking a bottle of wine, cosy on the couch with my dogs. But I am someone who doesn't mind alone time (obviously I love my kids but realise ex wanted to have them) so coped fine with it. This year I have them all Xmas. I think it really depends on how you cope with being with your own company

Do you both still get on

This year will be our first Christmas separated. I will have our daughter on Christmas day, him on boxing day, and then we swap next Christmas. But it breaks my heart knowing I won't be with her on Christmas day next year. I'd love to be able to either have her every Christmas or for us all to spend the day together. Saying that, I'm currently single so it wouldn't be a problem.

@scotgal2017 I really enjoy my own company. I love my weekends to myself and doing things I need/want to do without the demanding responsibility of being a parent.
CHRISTMAS has always been a very family thing for me, but as of last year it was to just me, Dp and our children.
Now this year it will be just me. I did say to our eldest DD that maybe we’d do Christmas on Christmas Eve with dinner etc as they’ll be with dad for dinner.
I’m a support worker for learning disabilities and they’re open all 365 days and as you can imagine not many people want to work at Christmas (I’m one of them). But I honestly think I’ll slip quite deep over Christmas being on my own.

@MrsHappy2019 we do and we don’t. We split for multiple reasons and have to be quite firm with boundaries and when he’s not pushing them we do get along rather well.
He is the father to my children and I Try my hardest to co-parent even if he is very immature minded.

I'd work, keep busy and then you will have them back Boxing Day 👍

@RLEOM yes I feel that. My first Christmas without my daughters breaks my heart.
We are both still single although him and his other dd mum have been getting rather close since we’ve split. I think I view it as one day either one of us may move on (probably him more than me) and then we have to revise it all over again.

So confusing to know what’s right or wrong

Maybe for one day then it won’t be any harm? Just don’t want him or the kids thinking you’re getting back together. The future for them will be better if you remain friends

My daughters are young adults. Their dad can come to us if he wants, there's no way they will go to him (can't cook)

@Mum2Girls90 what a rewarding job, and as well as keeping your mind off of it, you are doing something worthwhile and needed . It may help to do the "Xmas Day" with your DCs on Xmas Eve, we had great fun and may help you to feel like you haven't missed out. x

We alternate years. It makes me sad not to see them on Xmas Day but it's less faff than splitting the day in two. We can't spend the day together because of new partners etc.

@Mrshappy2019 that is why I’m overthinking it all so much. He still has in mind that we will get back together (we’ve had a 3 year separation before) but this time it’s for good and want to protect myself also emotionally to not think of the “family” we once were. He said he’ll have the girls with his family.
The idea of Christmas has never felt such a lonely day until now.

My ex husband and I separated when our DC were 3 and 1. We spent the first two Christmas' all together. This only worked as we get on well and neither had new partners at that point. After that we've always alternated. Christmas Eve until Christmas Day evening with one then switched the following year. We felt it was the only fair way. The years it was his turn were of course difficult but I always got to see them by the evening. In those days I was a carer so always opted to work when it was their dads turn. DC are now nearly 18 and 16 and we still do it this way.

@maloofhoof this helps.
Dad was ok with the arrangements although gutted he wouldn’t be waking up to the girls but has asked that next year we alternate which I agreed.
I think work may be my best option as it will be a distraction although sad.
I love Christmas and everything about it, but this year makes me really depressed!
I’m sure it’s just a question of adjusting and I don’t want to confuse anyone to avoid me being on my own x

We have the arrangements I have DS1 one in the week leading up to xmas, Christmas Eve and then until after lunch on Xmas day. Drop him at his dads that afternoon (usually around 4 and he then stays with his dad until new year.

It works for us

This is my 3 year with a similar scenario.

My stbxh is abusive so slightly different.

I've agreed to him having them the whole festive time. Obviously including 25th. If I could work as a distraction I would. Mostly I'll be counting my blessings. So difficult but one day you might have a new partner. Set it up as you mean to go on.

And if you do this then you get next year to look forward to without him contaminating it.

We will be doing Christmas way more than usual during advent.

And Santa will be coming again on maybe 30th. When I have them.

Honestly, don't compromise. Get on with it being rubbish, remember it could be so much more rubbish, and look forward to next year.

Op it is difficult. But not more difficult than being in a shit relationship.

Have a couple of days feeling sorry for yourself. Dust yourself down and get on with it.

Well next year will be worse as hell have the kids in the morning. Right now (however selfish it sounds) I won’t compromise the whole day. I’d like it split and he doesn’t live far so not like the kids will be travelling too far on Christmas Day. At least they’ll see other family members than staying at home with just me. X

And I am most definitely trying to start as I mean to go on. I am getting better at boundaries and routine.
I don’t want to confuse my children as they’ve been through so much this year.

Just need to stop wallowing.

Ex-DP and I separated ten years ago. We’ve always spent Christmas Day together with the kids - he comes over to mine around 10am and leaves after dinner. My dad comes too (my mum is dead, his mum lives a long way away) and now my new DP (who doesn’t have kids) comes too. Ex-DP’s new partner has kids so spends the day separately.

I guess i’ve been lucky in how it’s all worked out, and it does require some generosity from the adults; it was a bit awkward the first few times. But it can be done if it’s really important to you. If you think you might end up rowing and upsetting the children, i’d avoid, but otherwise it’s worth a shot.

You're not wallowing at all. You're trying to plan ahead to what may be an upsetting time, while minimising disruption for your DC and also accommodating your ex's feelings. Talk about a juggling act. I think you deserve a round of applause to be honest!

I also think work may be a good plan; can you make it Christmassy and have lunch with your clients and colleagues? Sing carols etc.

Hope it all goes OK for you.

Having them until 2pm and then the afternoon to yourself (or at work) sounds like quite a good arrangement to be honest. It's good that you live near enough to be able to do this. Nice to spend part of the day with the excited DC... and then relax.

Spending the day all together might add unnecessary confusion to your separated situation. It hasn't been very long after all.

That was exactly what I was thinking. As it’s all so new I don’t want our DC thinking anything more of it.
Yes if I do the late shift or 3-10 I’ll be joining Christmas dinner etc.
We have tried in previous years when we separated of trying to spend the day together and I think emotionally we both got confused and caught up in the festival season. I wish to avoid that this year.

Yes it will be a very big change for me. I’ve always been surrounded my own family (large family) and my own DC and it’s slowly dwindled to just me.

Work it is then!

I have DD on xmas eve and always go to the pantomine. She stays at mine over night and we have xmas day at some ungodly hour of the morning! (shes 9!) She goes to her Dad on Christmas day at 1pm. She comes back on boxing day at about 2pm.
We live in the same village though, which makes life easier and my exH is a good dad.
In our village we have a xmas meal for those who are alone on xmas day, so I go to help out after I've dropped her off. I've lost both my parents.

We alternate Christmas, always have done. Way too much hassle to do half days, for both us and DS.

Would I prefer to have DS with me every year? Of course. But when you're separated you have to put your own feelings aside.

I'm never on my own though as I'm always welcome at my mum's for Christmas.

Hello :)

Xmas and NY is alternated in this household and like you, I never want to impose on other people's celebrations and family is few and far between. We have agreed to alternate Xmas eve and Xmas morning until 1pm, with 1pm Xmas afternoon all the way until 1pm NYE, which is also alternated. It is a little sucky, logging into social media I would stay away from :) I'm sure someone will whisk us off our feet one day and the lonely Xmas's won't be lonely anymore x