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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it the end?

21 replies

HeadIsAMess · 17/10/2019 18:28

Please stick with me this is probably going to be a long rambling mess.

Me and my DP of 6 years have been in a bad place for just less then a year. I have 1 DC he has 2 DC and we have none together.

We've had problems with the DC normal kid stuff but we both are protective of our own DC and whenever we argue over them we erupt. I would say DP is overly strict with my DC and has different rules for his and mine and he would probably say I'm to soft with my DC and don't treat his as if they are my biological children in the sense of taking them on days out by myself and buying them things (even though I have done and do both of these things just not as much as DP would like)

We've had other pressures on our relationship with finances being one of them which I'm sure adds stress to any couple.

A month or so ago we had a huge row over DPs paranoia and insecurities, he always assumes the worst of me and that I'm going to cheat on him/ leave him/ meet someone ect ect... I want to add I have never ever lied to done anything that would found these issues he has! I have stopped going out as much and my circle of friends seemed to have massively shrunk because I don't have the energy for arguments if i wanted to go out and he thinks we should both want to spend all our free together constantly. Anyway after our huge argument things just haven't been the same, I haven't felt completely relaxed around him since and there always feels like a bit of an atmosphere.

We've have had a huge row today over something one of my parents wanted to do for my DC but he said no because it might upset his DD and he expected it to be end of conversation. I didn't agree and it all blew up I apparently don't think how his DC would feel and I should put there feelings first even though this is something my DC would love and be over the moon for and his DD has already done.

I'm at a point where I just feel worn out and defeated. I love him but he's not the person I fall in love with. I'm tired of being accused of doing things I'm not and I don't do things I would like to not upset him or piss him off. I've asked for space and he doesn't want too but I think We both need the time to work out what we can do if anything to fix these issues.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadIsAMess · 17/10/2019 18:32

I have NC for this

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2019 18:33

Why are you living this way?? Your relationship is shit and you think you need advice? You need to LEAVE him. Think about how all this misery is impacting your daughter. Read your post and then give your head a wobble. Your "issues" are not fixable. Your partner is a controlling, abusive prick. It's time to end this disaster.

HollowTalk · 17/10/2019 18:35

Christ, I would've left him ages ago!

Love how he thinks you should take his kids out for the day - I assume he does that for you? It gives him a day on his own, doesn't it?

Don't take any crap, OP.

Original poster
HeadIsAMess · 17/10/2019 18:37

I've been in an abusive relationship before I met him and left thanks to MN but that was totally different to this situation now.

OP posts:
cometothinkofit · 17/10/2019 18:38

he always assumes the worst of me
I can't really get past that, to be honest. He isn't nice to you, he doesn't trust you not to jump on a random penis, and he treats your dc differently to his own.
It's not going to work, is it?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2019 18:39

How is any abuse "different?" A dysfunctional relationship is shit, no matter the reasons.

MikeUniformMike · 17/10/2019 18:40

It won't get any better. Get out now.

Original poster
HeadIsAMess · 17/10/2019 18:40

It's completely different in how the things my EXDP use to do to me and treat me to how all these problems seem to have started over a longer period of time and it's hard to realise something until you step back and look at the bigger picture

OP posts:
quincejamplease · 17/10/2019 18:44

Um, you do realise the way you identify whether you are being abused isn't to compare your current partner to an abusive ex and declare the new partner is not abusive so long as he's not as bad as or not a clone of your ex?

Because you're ticking multiple boxes for coercive control here, i.e. abuse.

Different abusers operate differently, prefer different tactics, and have different personalities. Doesn't stop them all being abusive.

Quartz2208 · 17/10/2019 18:46

this is a different type of abusive relationship - and one where you DC is being as well

Leave

quincejamplease · 17/10/2019 18:46

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You're falling into the same trap many women do after an abusive relationship - comparing the next man to their ex and declaring him "not abusive" purely because he's different to their ex, rather than because he's genuinely not abusive.

You need to be looking at patterns of behaviour, impact and motivations.

Original poster
HeadIsAMess · 17/10/2019 18:48

I know it isn't to compare I was trying to explain to a post above that asked how is abuse different.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2019 18:52

Abuse is abuse is abuse. Stop making excuses for it or for him and saying one is different from another. It's not.

Your motivation should be your daughter. She's spent her whole life being a part of one abusive relationship to yet another. You should want to set a better example for her so she doesn't go down the exact road you have. It's time to break the cycle.

yawnhedehihi · 17/10/2019 18:53

Have you posted about him before?

Original poster
HeadIsAMess · 17/10/2019 18:59

Aquamarine can you read my posts saying I'm not arguing what it is I'm trying to explain why I didn't immediately think I'm being abused!! Clearly my priority is my DC or I would carry on in the situation I am in! I removed her from it before to protect her and I won't hesitate to do it again but I apologise for asking for advice

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/10/2019 19:09

What's your financial and house situation, OP?

It's hard for us to see why you wouldn't leave this man, but if you don't go now it seems inevitable you will later on, so it would be a good idea to get your ducks in a row.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 17/10/2019 19:15

He's shrunk your world to where you can't go out with your friends? This alone is a huge red flag, let alone the other shit.

You need to leave ASAP You've gone from arsehole to arsehole.

Greatdomestic · 17/10/2019 19:26

Is it the end?

I think that you know this relationship has run its course. What do you get out of it now?

Original poster
HeadIsAMess · 17/10/2019 19:52

I just feel so worn down

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 17/10/2019 20:54

He's a controlling and abusive arsewipe and you've gone from the frying pan to the fire.

Clearly my priority is my DC or I would carry on in the situation I am in! I removed her from it before to protect her and I won't hesitate to do it again

As you've taken your dc from one abusive relationship to another, you can't afford to be 'worn down' until you've removed her from the influence of a man who has one "strict" rule for her and a set of flexible rules for his own dc.

What do you think 6 years' of this intolerable state of affairs has done to your dc? I don't say this to twist the knife, or otherwise hurt you, but I suggest you invest in therapy for her asap,

Are you living in his house or is he living in yours?

Before entering into another relationship, please enroll on the Freedom Programme so that you'll stand a better chance of not becoming involved with yet another abusive twat.

DonKeyshot · 17/10/2019 21:23

I suspect that the abuse you endured in your former relationship was more overt than the abuse this controlling twat is subjecting you, and your dd, to which is that of a boiled frog: he started slowly and slowly ramped it up until you became aware that all was not well in the state of Denmark.

What he wants is irrelevant. What matters is the welfare and wellbeing of your dd. Ffs get her away from this man asap.

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