Help!! I had an affair and I hate myself

[MixedUpKid]

So, I had an emotional affair last year which turned into something much bigger. The affair was talking, hugging, kissing and some mild sexual contact without going for the whole full-blown sex bit! It was exciting and fun but I realised it was masking a big problem with my relationship with my husband. I told my husband everything and finished the affair, me and my husband got counselling, spoke lots about our relationship and began to repair. I even asked my husband to renew our vows which we did this year. However, we got so honest with each other, we talked about fantasies and I mentioned that the thought of two guys was exciting. I was quite prepared to leave that as a fantasy, but my husband said if I were to go there, who with? I couldn’t answer, but the filtered down version is that me, my husband and the guy I had the affair with had a threesome. It was exciting and I knew I was in dangerous territory, but we’ve since done it again several times. I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I’ve been to counselling and am in regular contact with my doctor about my mental health. The other guy has been struggling with some very bad issues lately and actually tried committing suicide recently and I feel like I can’t cut contact with him at this time. But I’ve also become addicted to him and to helping him. Please don’t reply with “you’re stupid” coz I already know. I’m currently going to an addiction therapy group, as I used to be addicted to shopping and replaced that with him. I fear that without him, I’m going to replace it with something worse.
I have hated myself so much, and with counselling I am understanding that I was wrecking my relationship with my husband as self-sabotage through guilt. The more guilty I felt, the more I went back for me, only to feel more guilty, etc, etc. I absolutely hate myself and sometimes wish I wasn’t here.

You posted this yesterday. Why are you posting again?

I'd nicely and as gently as possible finish both relationships, apologise for the hurt, and move cities and start again. And don't do stuff like this again. We don't have the answers. Only you do.

I had to change my profile name and it deleted my post. Sorry

If it was a threesome with your husband, how was it an affair?
You enjoyed the threesome and did it several times - sounds great.
At this point in the story you jump to a nervous breakdown. How does that have anything to do with relationships?
It all sounds very dramatic to be honest - maybe just cut your losses and step away from it all calmly? Start again with someone new after you've sorted yourself out a bit?
X

*how does that have anything to do with the threesome that should say!

You didn't do anything illegal, if a bit unconventional. Maybe you thought you wanted to be into that sort of thing and now you've realised you don't but that's ok because you can put it down to experience and move on. The best way to get other that guy is cut contact.

I even asked my husband to renew our vows which we did this year

Well at least everyone you know, knows one of you cheated so you you have plenty of people to talk to.

Also changing your profile name doesnt delete your posts.

Samsamsuperman I had the affair first, told my husband, then the three of us got together. It was dramatic, as none of this is like the usual me. I kind of zoned out and went along with things and have regretted everything. I was dealing with some other mental health issues at the time (obviously not dealing With them very well at all) and everything led to me having a breakdown.

Hesafriendfromwork I didn’t realise that my post hadn’t been deleted. Assumed with changing my profile name, my previous post would have transferred over but it didn’t and I couldn’t find it.
We were going to renew our vows when we got to 20 years, but decided to do it a year early so no, nobody knows the reasons behind it.

Obviously, I understand that these are decisions I made, whether I was in the right frame of mind or not. I wasn’t forced into anything, but should have realised that I wasn’t healthy enough to make those kind of decisions. I was stupid, I do obviously realise that. What I am trying to do now is heal, make things right with my husband, get us the help we need and I also haven’t seen the other man for a couple of weeks now (we usually see each other at work nearly every day - I have stayed away and managed to avoid so far).

We were going to renew our vows when we got to 20 years, but decided to do it a year early so no, nobody knows the reasons behind it.

Yes they do. The majority of people who know you, you will assume you did it because one of you cheated. Especially bringing it forward from 20 years to 19.

They wont say it to you, but lots will be thinking it.

Its a bit odd your husband was happy to have a threesome with the guy you had an affair with and that he wanted a threesome involving your husband.

Maybe You should all separate for a few months to gain some perspective

Richtea12. Thank you. I am cutting contact. I haven’t seen him at work for a while - trying my best to avoid. Our company structure makes it impossible to avoid forever but for now, I’m doing ok with that bit.

Hesafriendfromwork everyone knew we briefly split up last year, as we’d had other problems which most of the family knew about, but I won’t go into. Everyone was just glad we got were back together

OP I am not trying to be shitty. Renewing vows is very popular when there been an infidelity.

Buts it's good. It means people are probably waiting for you to talk to them.

I am sure people are glad you are back together. That doesnt mean people wont be thinking that one of you cheated.