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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He slept with someone when we were on a break

40 replies

Newuser9876 · 17/10/2019 17:24

Seeing him 2 years, I loved him so much but things got stressful and we needed some time apart, he jumped into bed with a girl from work and says it made him feel better about himself. We only were apart for 2 weeks.
He wants to work things out, Will I get over it? I feel if he really loved me he wouldn’t of done it and will I be able to put it behind us?

OP posts:

Sweetpeach3 · 17/10/2019 18:40

You'll NEVER get over it .

LionsHeart · 17/10/2019 18:40

He's playing both of you. Get an STI check.

NameChangeNugget · 17/10/2019 18:43

You know he’s doing nothing wrong but, it’s up to you. I wouldn’t

Cookiebear3 · 17/10/2019 21:48

Hi OP
Going through the same thing at present, after 20+ yrs together we separated, he slept with someone else 6weeks later and then wanted back a few months after that.
Im heartbroken even though technically it was 'allowed' he thought it was over for good.
Were trying to make it work but im 5months down the line and still struggling.
Hope all works out for you whatever you decide to do x

Bluerussian · 17/10/2019 22:27

Don't rush into anything, take it easy.

MsDogLady · 18/10/2019 04:52

I am sorry for your pain, OP.

There would have been a build-up with OW prior to the break, while he was still with you. He wanted to pursue the sex and ego boost, and it was worth leaving and devastating you. I wonder why things didn’t work out with her.

He has likely been emotionally unavailable for quite a while. I would find it impossible to trust him again. What happens the next time he has the urge to “feel better about himself”?

You would be wise to tell him that you need time and space to consider your options.

category12 · 18/10/2019 06:32

Basically, he told you all this not out of honesty but because he wants to check your reactions to being dumped, him shagging someone else and then coming back to you.

If you suck it up, you'll get an action replay next time he fancies a bit of strange.

It's not OK to dump you because things are stressful either. But I think as per pp, he had his eye on this woman and was road-testing her.

I'd give this guy a swerve.

FuriousVexation · 18/10/2019 06:43

Isn't this a plot line from that awful US sitcom from the 90s? "Cheers" or something?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 18/10/2019 06:47

😂 Furious

user1493413286 · 18/10/2019 06:52

Was it a break or had you split up? And it was him that instigated it? It does sound like he instigated it so he could sleep with her guilt free. If it had been you that split with him then I can perhaps see how it’d “make him feel better”. It may have been a case of he thought the grass was greener on the single side and it’s not and you need to decide carefully if you can forgive the hurt caused.
I’d tread very carefully; if you felt your relationship was good then what was so wrong that needed a break. Don’t give into him easily and you’ll see what his true intentions are.

user1481840227 · 18/10/2019 10:49

I doubt you'll get past it. Also the issues that caused him to call it a day are obviously still there, life, work, kids and exes aren't going anywhere!

He might have been technically single, but after relationships end there is nearly always a back and forward period and wondering if you did the right thing or thinking you want to get back together and all of that, anyone who is stupid enough to sleep with someone in the first couple of weeks after doesn't get to play the we weren't together, were on a break, I was single card, and then try to get back with you, because he's then put you in an awful, awful position.

AmIThough · 18/10/2019 10:58

To me you're either together or you're not. Spending time apart is different to splitting up.

But I think sleeping with a girl from work is very different to a ONS. Both are shitty but what he did is the worst.

SunshineAngel · 18/10/2019 11:08

Sorry but any couple that needs a break in the first place is destined to fail. If you have issues, you should be able to work through them together, not break up and then start again. That's not how it's meant to work. I honestly don't think you're right for each other if you felt that you needed to do this.

MashedSpud · 18/10/2019 11:15

He said going to be wanting a break every time his dick is twitching is someone else’s direction.

Sims44 · 18/10/2019 15:36

I think what’s difficult about this is that “a break” implies that you aren’t done for good, and you are taking time out to think about/assess your relationship. So him doing this isn’t a great move.

However people do use meaningless sex as a means of distraction/comfort during rubbish times, which doesn’t make it any less painful. He also chose to tell you, he could have easily never said anything.

I think it depends whether he is truly remorseful, and really understands and the hurt and consequences of his actions. There’s also the factor of why you broke up in the first place and whether those issues still remain.

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