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Original poster

OLD getting lots of of first dates but no one wants a second one !

27 replies

Rejectthetossers · 17/10/2019 14:08

Have been OLD for six months (usual POF,Tinder & Bumble) I tend to get quite a lot of 'interest' and lots of first dates but no one ever wants to have a second date with me ...

For context my profile pictures are all taken within the last six months and are unfiltered (although I have obviously picked the most flattering) I do find it easy to get some online 'banter' going and although I admit to only showing my 'best side' I dont try and pretend to be anyone I'm not, so where am I going wrong ? I'm a happy,chatty friendly 50 year old and have been told I'm great company but 'there's no spark'
My only conclusion is that I must be such a disappointment in real life ?

Any advice would be very much appreciated

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 17/10/2019 14:21

There's a "sweetshop" mentality on OLD. A lot of people will have one date, then move on to the next in case they're better in some way. Some have unrealistic expectations. Many men are simply looking for an easy shag, and if you give out the vibes that it simply isn't happening on the first date, they quickly lose interest.

Glitterb · 17/10/2019 14:54

Please do not always assume you are the issue when OLD...people are very fickle and sometimes are already in complicated on/off relationships!

Do not let it put you off, as there are some nice people who would be very lucky to meet you!

sonjadog · 17/10/2019 15:19

This has happened to me loads on OLD. And I am lovely!

Not really. I don't think it has anything to do with you, but that a lot of people on OLD are looking for easy sex, the next new person, etc. In my experience the ones actually looking for a relationship are few and far between.

Original poster
Rejectthetossers · 17/10/2019 15:59

As a middle aged woman my self esteem is pretty much in my boots & just feel that although I get quite a lot if enthusiastic interest and first dates it always goes cold after date number one - I probably have averaged one date a week for the last six months and only had two people that actually wanted a second date ...

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 17/10/2019 17:11

I think @MarianaMoatedGrange summed it up very well about the sweet shop mentality.

Most of DH’s single friends in the 40-60 bracket openly admit they only want sex and not the hassle of a relationship.

If, after 35 years DH & I were to split, I’d become a nun! OLD is especially brutal to people over 45

milienhaus · 17/10/2019 17:15

I have heard (on here and elsewhere) that paid for websites and apps have a bit more of a serious crowd so might be worth a try? Tinder and bumble especially can have a lot of people just looking for a fun night out / sex with such low barriers to entry. I’m younger but my friends tend to use Hinge which has a bit more info rather than just pictures too which acts as a bit more of a filter for the less interested.

crimsonlake · 17/10/2019 17:21

I am in a similar age bracket, do not look my age and scrub up well, I cannot remember the last time I had a date. I get on average 1 or 2 messages a day...and not from any one who attracts me whatsoever, or can usually string a sentence together. I think you are doing really well to even get dates.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/10/2019 17:52

Many like to shop around so move on, some use it for a one night stand, others are looking for “the one” and expect perfection etc.

Who’s paying for all the dates? Some are put off if expected to pay for everything as see it as an expectation going forward.

gnostick22a · 17/10/2019 18:53

Lucky you - I am even getting to the date phase!

chocolatetreats · 18/10/2019 19:25

I find I get about a month of dates and then they don't want to commit to a relationship. By this time I really like them and it's like an emotional rollercoaster when they disappear.

user1479305498 · 18/10/2019 22:05

I think a lot of single people over a certain age use the sites as’entertainment’ and someone for a night out rather than actually seeking a relationship , I actually think regardless of what they say a lot of the more eligible and self sufficient people in a certain age bracket don’t actually want ‘relationships’ , and I do think many get hooked on the thrill of the chase.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 18/10/2019 22:08

There’s a rally really good book about this. It’s called “Have Him at Hello” by Rachel Greenwald. The real reasons men don’t ask women out for a second date.

LastSamurai · 18/10/2019 22:19

Do fill us in on the ‘real reasons’, @HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo. Unless you’re Rachel Greenwald and we have to buy your book.

Jane1978xx · 18/10/2019 22:22

What are the dates ? If you keep them short , an hour for one drink or coffee then people may want to meet to know more a second time. You are still having more luck than me 😂. I talk to one or two men at a time for weeks then they ghost 👻 .

Chocolate1984 · 18/10/2019 23:35

I always thought POF and Tinder were hook up sites. I think your using the wrong sites if you are looking for a relationship.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 18/10/2019 23:56

OLD can be used for hook ups, but also for proper relationships. I've seen posters on MN say they met their DP or DH on OLD. My daughter had a LTR from Tinder, I had one from POF. It's a numbers game, coupled with luck.

Ghosting, lying, love bombing, future faking and downright pervs are all par for the course though. You need tits of steel to navigate it all Grin

FakeUp · 18/10/2019 23:57

Sorry to sound pessimistic, but I don't think these sites benefit women at all, including the paid ones.

Scott72 · 19/10/2019 00:15

Apparently they don't benefit men much either. The paid ones aren't going to be much better either, you're right FakeUp, since they will only provide access to the same sort of people, just with the worst wasters filtered out.

OP of course there could be many things going on here. You could try giving men you normally wouldn't go out with a try to see if it makes any difference.

lottelupin · 19/10/2019 00:32

OP, if they didn't feel a spark, did you? Probably not?

If you asked me to go out with a different man every day for a month, I couldn't guarantee at all that I'd have a spark with any of them. The problem with OLD is that the initial contact proceeds on kind of limited and artificial information, and even though conversations can go quite far, when you actually meet that's a different thing. That's the real deal. And very often there won't be a genuine spark.

Because genuine sparks are quite rare.

Keep looking on OLD, but because of that structural problem, I wouldn't expect much, unless you strike it lucky.

Probably more effective to check out people in Costa or at the gym ...

lottelupin · 19/10/2019 00:35

Fake up I think I agree. The natural way is much better. Ie, catching the eye of someone you like. Talking to them.

I also think that the very fact of being on OLD is a bit of a turn off. It's really never appealed to me. It's all so potentially misleading.

I would need to check someone out in the flesh before engaging!

user1471504234 · 19/10/2019 08:21

Tinder is not just a hook up site. It’s a great way to meet people if you use common sense and weed out the idiots. I don’t know the answer to your issue OP but just wanted to say it’s fine to use OLD. Sure, it’d be lovely to meet someone nice in real life but for a lot of people that’s just quite unlikely!

Weekendchocolaye · 19/10/2019 17:07

OP - if I'm on a first date and I want to see them again I will often tell them I had a nice time and say I hope to see them again either before we part or by text. I don't ask anyone out though as I haven't got the guts.

I find men sometimes need a bit of encouragement

Weekendchocolaye · 19/10/2019 17:08

I mean text after the date and say thanks for a nice evening etc.

Macaroni46 · 19/10/2019 17:37

It took me over a year and over 20 dates to come anywhere near finding anyone decent. I finally met a nice really decent guy a few months ago but have just ended it as despite him ticking all the boxes I felt no spark.
So it's back to the drawing board for me ...
I think it really is a numbers game. And trying to not be that bothered seems to help - easier said than done of course!
Best of luck OP

crimsonlake · 19/10/2019 19:33

My heart sinks whenever I decide to do a quick scroll on pof looking at picture profiles in my age range and I have to give up. My heart sinks even further when I click on a message and see the accompanying photo. Will I ever get a message from someone who even attracts me slightly? Or even an interesting message, instead of the usual 'hi gorgeous '
I do despair and feel as if I hae become stale bread.
90% of the time I am happy on my own. I can please myself...tonight I am eating supper in bed, I have a glass of wine and will watch what I want on the tv. I will wake up when I feel like, no one to disturb me.
I am not sure if there is room in my life for a man and I do not want to live with anyone. However I do miss being special to someone and the ' hugs. '