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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know where to go from here. Left confused and wondering.

18 replies

Redarrowfan12 · 17/10/2019 14:08

Feel like I'm losing my mind here. my ex and I broke six months ago. We have been in touch since we broke up mutual but she seemed to distance herself at the end and no matter what I tried she didn't seem that interested.

I tried after the break to try again. Was always no. Since then she initiate and me initiate over the months but always end ups her ignoring me and stop replying. last month we started talking again and we got talking about the break up.

I said I wish I did things different etc and she told me how upset she was at the end. That the end was bad and she can't forget that etc etc. She asked me if I'm trying to say I want to try again. I told her I want to meet up and how we both are. I asked her out. She says she's 'confused' and didnt know.

She said she'd let me know but we can still chat. I asked when will she know And she said she will know when she knows... So we were talking for two weeks. It felt like I was making the convo and she would take hours sometimes to reply even though she was online.

She started very cold but started to come around and be a bit more open woth conversation even if she replied hours later. After two weeks I jokingly asked her again to meet up. She told me she still not sure and went very cold to me. I told her that's fine and it has to feel right and she has now completely stopped talking to me and ignored my reply?

That was six days ago and nothing. She hasn't even opened to read it. I posted a pic of when I went away at the weekend last minute and after that she posts video of herself on social media showing lots of cleveage and also add single guys as friend. It hurts a lot but I not reacted to it. I really miss er a lot and wish she would just give me a chance. i haven't attempted to contact again after she has now ignored me.

I'm going out of my mind. girls or guys with any help on what to do or why she is doing this please help.

OP posts:
Whatsthesmell · 17/10/2019 15:13

By saying she doesn't know if or when she'll be ready to meet up it sounds like she's keeping your dangling. Keeping her options open.
I think you should know your worth and cut ties, delete humber, remove from social media etc.
I wouldn't be surprised with her behaviour if she has met someone else and is "seeing" how they goes before she bins you off entirely.

You deserve to in time meet someone who wants you as much as you want them.

Redarrowfan12 · 17/10/2019 16:06

@whatsthesmell thankyou for your reply. I guess if she is doing this she doesn't really feel much for me. I don't know how she can do this, we were together for three years. I want someone who want someone me yes, I thought she did it seems so difficult now.

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Whatsthesmell · 17/10/2019 19:29

It could be her way of trying to let you down gently.
My advice would be to stop contact. From your op it sounds like she's trying to pull away from you and your trying to hold on.

Im sorry your going through this. But I'd say it's time to let go.

Redarrowfan12 · 17/10/2019 21:08

@whatsthesmell thankyou it absolutely breaks my heart but I hope one day I'll meet a girl who won't give up on me so easily

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StanleySteamer · 17/10/2019 21:17

Mate, give it up, six months is long enough for her to do anything positive about getting back with you. She should either quietly and calmly tell you she wants you as a friend but nothing more, or she should say she wants to try again no mattyer how slowly. If she says she'll know when she knows, I think she is hoping that something will make her feel about you the way she once felt about you. This could even be something as extreme as going out with another bloke to see if she feels guilty/misses you/feels it is wrong for her or any other reason to help her make her mind up. By taking the plunge and going it alone, you will be telling her that you have made your mind up it is unlikely to work out, so you are moving on.
It really hurts mate, I know, I've been there, but in the end it could end up with you having a nervous breakdown if you don't.
All the very best.

Elieza · 17/10/2019 21:39

She was probably so hurt by the whole split that she just can’t face it again. Perhaps she’s not really into dating any more or just not that into you now and has moved on.

Ignore her and see what happens. If she’s into you she’ll be in touch.

Redarrowfan12 · 18/10/2019 09:10

@StanleySteamer thankyou. Yes it's does really hurt. It's the fact she just seems to dismiss me like I don't exist. I'm not stupid, why say she's unsure then blatantly talking to other guys behind my back. I know she can but it seems abit sneaky to me. I'd rather her just say no. I think I'm trying to hold onto something that has long gone. It's just a shame she can't be more honest with me but I guess at the end of the relationship she's wasn't either.

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Redarrowfan12 · 18/10/2019 09:12

@Elieza thankyou. She wouldnt talk to me face to face about it and al I got told was not to worry. How could I fix things when I was just told that. Then she would stop wanting to see me. It hurts like hell I put my heart and soul into keeping things going and now she doesn't even want to know me. She's ignored me for over a week now an I know she's talking to a new guy. It's a shame she can't still be honest with me instead of just saying I don't know.

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StanleySteamer · 18/10/2019 09:18

One of the hardest lessons in life is that as much as you may love someone, you cannot make them love you back.
You'll end up even more deeply scarred if you carry on hoping and caring. Keep the happy parts of the relationship as fond memories and simply move on, go to different places, hang out with different people, talk to your mates (but not about all this, except simply to say it's over and you are now free to look about you). Start a new hobby, or take back up an old one, if you can take it, start looking to date again. It sounds as if you have a ton of love to give to some lucky lady.

NotStayingIn · 18/10/2019 09:32

she posts video of herself on social media showing lots of cleveage and also add single guys as friends

I do get that it’s very tempting to check ex’s social media but it could well be that her posts are very normal and you are reading into it that she is just doing this because she wants a bloke.

From what else you’ve said she doesn’t sound interested. If she hasn’t communicated that clearly to you that is a shame. But from what you wrote it sounds like it really is over and I think you need to back off now. Don’t become that pestering guy, it’s not a good look.

Windmillwhirl · 18/10/2019 09:37

I can clearly see the pain you are in. It's time to close this chapter and move forward gently and with kindness for yourself. You tried, it didn't work.

Take from this fond memories and a willingness to open your heart one day to someone else. There will be others that make you happy. Take care.

Redarrowfan12 · 18/10/2019 11:06

@StanleySteamer trying my best to move on I really am. Thanks fo rthe kind words.

@notstayingin thanks I'm trying to reduce my social media a lot now. She hasn't told me clearly what she feels. That's probably why I'm clinging on maybe. I asked to meet and she told me she'd think about it the next a day later came back with she's not sure but we can still chat. So we chatted for two weeks, and I jokingly said about going for coffee she told me she still wants sure and then has ignored me ever since.

@Windmillwhirl thankyou for the kind words I'm gutted be honest. It's good to talk on a forum here because I don't have many people I can talk to here. Sometimes you think about it so much without venting you start to go crazy! I hope one day I'll meet someone who wants me but I just want to feel broken free of her at the moment.

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StanleySteamer · 18/10/2019 11:54

As @NotStayingIn says, don't whatever you do, become that creepy, stalky guy. It absolutely won't get you anywhere except into trouble. It may be tempting, but she is entitled to move on unhindered as are you.
Time following her on social media or anywhere else is time you could be spending pampering yourself or going out and having fun. I think you get this but just underlining it. IT IS TOUGH to let go, but you must.
All the very best of luck.

Redarrowfan12 · 18/10/2019 12:52

@Stanleysteamer absolutely I understand that. And in my own mind I guess I felt she can easily jump to the next guy then that maybe that says everything I need to know.

I'm going to take myself away I think and also get something for my anxiety. It has started since the break up and that is causing me to overthink and worry a lot about what she is doing and thinking. I know it's tough to let go, but I need to grow some balls and not affected by this any longer. If she wanted to be with me she would make the effort like I did.

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lexiepuppy · 18/10/2019 15:27

Here's 4 difficult life lessons ( believe me there are trillions more!)

  1. You can't force someone to love you.
  2. The only behaviour you can control is your own.
3.The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself. 4.The only person you can change , again, is yourself.

Block her, delete her. Love yourself more. Flowers

Elieza · 18/10/2019 20:36

She’s keeping you on a lead so she can pull you in if she feels like it. Or to get her revenge on you so you know how it feels to be hurt by someone you thought loved you.

Either way it’s not good. I’d suggest you prioritise yourself. Keep fit and active. Do sports or hobbies or both. Change into the best version of yourself. You will be happier and the seretonin (don’t know how to spell that) your brain releases when you do things you like will help raise your mood and prevent depression.

abouttime2 · 18/10/2019 20:47

I feel like I could have written this myself. I waited for almost 6monyhs. My ex dangled a reconciled relationship on a string and I kept trying to make it work. It didn't and it won't.

Everyone told me. But I needed to realise myself. Know your worth. Know you deserve some one who wants to love you, rather than a second best choice.

Block from all social media to avoid the inevitable social stalking!

You will be okay, you will find someone who deserves your love. It's obvious you have bundles to give.

Hang in there op ❤️

Redarrowfan12 · 18/10/2019 22:04

@lexiepuppy thankyou for that :)

@elieza thanks I have suspected she keeping me as an option. I honestly thought we had something deeper that would keep us together no matter. I know she was upset by the break up but I really don't remember doing anything to hurt her. It was me who was trying to keep things together yet she says she was the one who got hurt. I tried to talk with her and tell me he problems but all I got was a 'don't worry' I was kind of in the dark I suppose.
I'm a religious runner so that does help me a lot. I'm trying my best to keep busy, she always pops into my head but that's understandable I guess.

@abouttime2 I'm sorry you've gone through similar. I'm trying to keep telling myself it's over, I think sometimes I look at her through rose tinited glasses when the fact she are right in front of me. She has made zero effort to try and e, actions speak louder than words I guess.
Thanksyou, I do have a lot of love to give, I can honestly say I tried my very best right until the end at least I know that much. Unfortunately that wasn't good enough for her. Thankyou for your help

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