Waiting for a brilliant connection/spark V the want to settle down before it’s too late...

[User627]

35. Time running out...I don’t know what to do.

I meet nice met a lot, maybe one date every week or so. Most of the time I’d be happy to meet them again but I’m yet to find a real connection or spark

Is it time to get on with it with someone who is nice enough?

That’s a really hard one because if you want children obviously you’re going to feel a bit of time pressure. I married without the spark / strong connection because I wanted to settle down and he ticked all the other boxes. I’ve got 2 lovely dc now and I wouldn’t change them for the world but if I’m honest I’m not satisfied in my marriage, purely because of the missing spark. Currently weighing up whether we should separate so we can both find other partners and that true connection with someone, but of course it would be devastating when there are kids involved. Maybe give it a bit more time before you rush into settling? Sorry that’s not much help, I don’t think there’s an easy answer here but if I could go back I wouldn’t have settled (even though I adore my dc of course)

Ahhh that’s my dilemma confused

I’m waiting for a moment where it’s ‘yes this is it, it’s right.’ But mostly I just have nice dates, that’s about it. I couldn’t really care less if we went out again.

It depends whether you see having children as the ultimate form of love, or if romantic love is your goal & if he were infertile it wouldn’t matter because your love was as grand as Jack & Rose

If you crave connection then you need to accept you are settling. That is OK if children is what you really want & the other person is on board. There is a recent thread with a woman who chose to settle & now feels guilty for wanting to separate & break up her family, but in reality after you get the kids you will want them gone. It would be using someone to just get children out of them. It depends what is important to you in life

Meet them again. It's not necessary to have a fairytale love at first sight, the attraction can grow. At least in my case, the instant connections turned out to be just illusions and all ended quickly and not so well.

Most ‘sparks’ I have had have not ended well at all. And obviously all have ended.

I’m just not sure how I feel about a relationship where there’s no real feeling of adoring the person, not all the time but deep down feeling a deep love and sense that it is right. I could carry on with dates where that’s not the case and it’s just average. Seems sad though?

prawnsword that was my thread... just to clarify I really didn’t ‘use’ my husband and I don’t think most people who end up ‘settling’ are intending to use the other person, it’s just you persuade yourself that the spark isn’t so important and the more reliable stuff is what matters... which many people will tell you is true because butterflies don’t last. What I’ve come to realise with hindsight though is that if the spark is missing at the beginning then there may not be a strong enough connection there to last you through the years and the hard times. Some people may feel differently but that is my experience.

The thing is you don’t have that spark or ‘adore’ someone on a first date. A first date is just about finding out if you can manage to carry on a conversation for 2 hours, the person isn’t a total weirdo, doesn’t have any wacky political or religious views that are totally offensive, and you can see wanting to hang out with them again.

When I met my dh, there definitely wasn’t a spark, but I found him funny and easy to talk to and we genuinely enjoyed hanging out with each other. I would say we knew each other for probably about 6 weeks before I felt a ‘spark’. And actually when I did, because I remember the moment very clearly when it dawned on me that I actually really liked him, it was so unusual for me that I still remember it. I can’t say I’d really felt quite like that about anyone else before then, even relationships that lasted years. Feeling anything more that that takes even more time.

I really liked him and we got along so well and we spent probably 5 nights a week together from day 1. But I didn’t really know I loved and adored him until we’d been together probably 5-6 months.

Unless someone is really objectionable, you might just need to give it all more time. I wouldn’t expect to feel much, besides just being happy to chat to someone, before at least 4 dates or more.

It's difficult. If you really don't care whether you see someone again, then it's pretty pointless going out with them again. But some people are slow burners and it would take a while before you feel that spark. If someone's right in lots of respects I think I'd see them a few times, but try not to make all those in the evening and involving alcohol. Try to see them how they are most of the time, not just on a date.

I'm slightly younger but in the same position. It's so bloody hard.

I think there is a first date spark. When you're sitting there dying to get home there's no point seeing them again. I've advanced searched enough threads on here about first dates to conclusively state that most people claim 'they knew'.

I'm really beginning to consider having kids on my own. I want to be a mum so badly.

It’s so rubbish isn’t it :(

I’ve met loads of people and never felt something in the first couple of meetings

It's awful. I so hoped that I'd have a boyfriend by the end of this year. The 'festive season' is particularly crappy for so many reasons.

Neither have I. I did try and meet men three times but my opinion has never changed.

I think there has to a be a fairly decent attraction. For me you know if the connection isn’t there. I wouldn’t settle but I would ramp up the dating a bit.

You can’t tell within a date or two or maybe even ten dates whether there is a spark. You have to get to know someone better to see if there is a connection. Any ‘spark’ before that point is just lust really.

I’m just not sure how I feel about a relationship where there’s no real feeling of adoring the person, not all the time but deep down feeling a deep love and sense that it is right.

You can't seriously be expecting to feel adoration and deep love for total strangers you've met once or twice? What you're describing is something that exists between two people who know each other and have shared experiences together.

I don't think the problem here is lack of sparks, but you holding a totally unrealistic romanticised expectation of what a relationship should be or how love develops.

You can't adore or feel deep love for someone you've just met. That would be lust and/or infatuation, which isn't a basis for a long term healthy relationship. If you start searching for something grounded in reality this might go better.

Where did you get this idea from? It sounds like something out of a terrible romcom.

I think I expressed that wrongly, but there’s probably truth in the fact my expectations aren’t matched with reality.

Obviously I know deep love isn’t going happen on a first date. I mean more a feeling that it is so definitely right?

I married a man I really liked and had lots in common with because he wanted the same things as me, to settle down and have children, I was with him for 20 years but I never really really fancied him, we separated three years ago and I've been in a relationship for a year now with someone I absolutely adore, the way I feel about him is the reason I left my marriage, there's no way of knowing what the future holds but I have never felt like this about my ex

You really need to meet these men for further dates. You just can't get to really know someone from one meeting. Having a 'spark' can be just an illusion of love and mean nothing in the long run. I'd aid for at least 4 meetings to really get to know someone, maybe in different settings?

Think about how many people meet their partners at work. There's not usually a sudden rush when they first meet, but they get to know them and love them for who they are, not how they appear at first sight.

I met my fiancé at work - but we knew there was something from when we had our first meeting together. Not intense love or adoration or anything, but a spark, a feeling. Neither of us admitted it for a while but it became more obvious and we were together within 6 months. We're getting married next Spring and live together now.

But whether that is likely for you depends on a lot of factors. Some people are more slow burners and don't feel those initial attractions. Do you, usually?

Would you be able to settle with someone long term without the spark and the adoration, or do you think it'd be really difficult?

@User627 I'm not sure you should be looking got 'so definitely right' on a first date either? At that stage surely is more about whether you enjoyed us company and might fancy him a little bit... if the answers yes then you see them again, and again, then you'll spark or you won't.

Alternatively you need to date the complete opposite of your usual type and see how that goes.

I know women who chose to wait, met their now husbands in their early 40s got married and had kids quickly. It does happen.

I think life without the 'spark' will be unfulfilling and eventually will drive you apart. Worse when kids are involved.

From my experience.... ive done both :gone for the "we get along well, not real spark" And also the " i knew the moment i met you i wanted to marry you". Wasted all my 20s trying to get my relationship with the father of my kids work, nice enough bloke, never had the spark. We split and i regret a bit having wasted so many years. then i met my partner of the last 3 years (he has just said he wants to split) and we both felt an instant connection on the first date. Our first date ended up lasting 3 days. I would not settle anymore... i think you may not fall for them straight away but you know when u meet that someone special.