NC with family WWYD

[naomhbreandain]

For various reasons to do with historic abuse I am NC with most of my birth family with the exception of one brother.

The NC has been a very emotionally difficult process for me and I am incredibly raw from it, I would say I am difficult for my lone brother to be around.

I am hurt and angry about the things my family members have done. The problem is though that my brother brings up the rest of the family to tell me how everyone is getting on. He is very supportive of one of my fellow victims who when push came to shove sided with my parents who were being intolerable towards me, over me. This I can understand as she has been through a huge ordeal. But I am hurt, angry and disappointed with her because she threw me under the bus again and again as I tried to face up to what had gone on.

When my brother tells me about family life continuing on without me I feel very upset. I am not sure why he is doing it, I suspect because he hopes there will be a longer term happier solution where we get back in touch but I just cannot see that happening and I definitely don’t want it happening at the moment.

I have been fit to burst over the last while because discussing anything over the last few years has been an utter disaster so I get so anxious about it but I really don’t know what I need to do next.

I have really wanted this last family link but I have been really struggling because if I want it I have to pretend that everything is okay with me which it simply is not. There are cousins involved for my children too who would be really, really sad if they missed out which is a huge consideration.

I find it incredibly difficult to speak to my brother because I am so raw from the whole thing and because what he is saying is painful for me. Couple that with incredibly sporadic contact now for a variety of reasons but including how difficult I find him to speak to properly.

WWYD.

I would write to my brother telling him what you have told us here. I would add that I could only continue to see him (that is if you still want to) if he stops talking about your other family and taking up the bad memories.

It is all well and good to hope your family will all play happy families again in the future, but it isn't a realistic option where abuse has been involved. Your brother, whilst being supportive, will never understand unless he was abused too.

My Grandfather only told me he wanted to kiss me, like a couple he pointed out to me were kissing, and that resulted in my family ceasing all contact with my maternal GP.

It is better to walk away for self-preservation than have anyone put in harm's way. If that means going NC with your brother too then so be it.

If you are still feeling raw, maybe you need a bit of time away from all of them, including your brother. You could tell him and say you would like to be in touch in a few months, or whatever you feel.

Have you actually asked him, very directly and clearly, not to talk about your family of origin because you find it upsetting. If he ignores, keep reminding him. I cannot see how he could continue to ignore your wishes.

@Idontwanttotalk

I would write to my brother telling him what you have told us here. I would add that I could only continue to see him (that is if you still want to) if he stops talking about your other family and taking up the bad memories.

Good idea.

My Grandfather only told me he wanted to kiss me, like a couple he pointed out to me were kissing, and that resulted in my family ceasing all contact with my maternal GP

Oh what a disgusting specimen. Was there a wider family fallout?

@Chamomileteaplease

If you are still feeling raw, maybe you need a bit of time away from all of them, including your brother. You could tell him and say you would like to be in touch in a few months, or whatever you feel

That is happening anyway just due to life getting in the way.

When your brother is talking about the family do you say “I’d prefer not to talk about them. Let’s talk about...instead.” You’ll need to be consistent in doing this every time he talks about them until he gets it and it’s normal for the two of you to talk about other topics and it’s almost unconscious that family is a taboo subject.

First well done for going nc and standing up for yourself.

Your brother sounds a bit like a flying monkey.

So you may have to go no contact with him - at Least for now.

Then start ti build yourself up.
Think of all the good things in your life and how peaceful it is without all the previous hassle.

Hold yourself in that moment when ever you can.

Slowly and surely your confidence will grow and new and more healthy things / people will start to come into your life.

Take it slowly. And if anything starts ti feel uncomfortable, pull back a little.

Talking things through with a therapist may help when you're ready.

But remember you're in the driving seat. Your life.

Don't worry what they are doing.

Eventually you'll feel so good about stuff you won't even care.

Good luck.