Mother

[Clare99q]

I’m currently feeling really shitty and just wanted to vent and seek reassurance that I’m not being unreasonable.

I’m in my early 30’a and for one reason or another have found myself still living at home with my parents. I’ve suspected for a while that somethings not quite right with my mum, whilst I’ve no doubt she loves me, I’m starting to think that love has and always will be conditional.

She’s never really been an emotional support, when shit things have happened to me in my life, it’s always been about how the situation has affected her. To the point, I avoid telling her things or sharing things with her for fear of a ‘blow up’. I’ve always put these extreme reactions down to her suffering quite badly with anxiety.

My problem now is that I’m planning to move out with my bf in the new year, the guilt tripping has already started about how they’re going to have to ‘pull their belts in’ because her hours are changing at work. Dad has his own issues at work at the moment which I’m almost entirely supporting him alone because her anxiety just won’t allow her to.

I’m panicking about what will happen to them both when I leave, my friends are telling me this isn’t my issue and the responsibility shouldn’t fall to me. I can’t keep putting off growing up and moving out, can I? I don’t want to put in too much info about dads work situation but if he loses his job I’ll all most certainly be made to feel even worse by her for leaving.

My anxiety is through the roof, I just don’t think I should have to worry about these things.

Anyone

Your friends are right and you've waited far, far too long already to start living your own life. Your parents have serious issues with boundaries, and they are not your responsibility. I would move out as quickly as possible and not wait for the new year.

If I could leave before Xmas, I truly would. It’s just not viable right now

I have a mother who uses guilt with me it was worse in my twenties, she should be behind you and excited about your new future, set clear boundaries

You should start planning, as should they. Do not make your big life decisions with anyone but your own happiness in the middle of it

Your parents have made you codependent and are emeshing you. They have also parentified you.
And you mother sounds high In Narcissistic traits. The guilt tripping and conditional love are very typical of NPD.
This is your life, don't back down for them, they will survive on their own.
You must break free from this and put up some boundaries with them so that they do not keep interfering in your life.

You do not say if you have any siblings or if you are an only child.

Personally , if you get out earlier , I would go. Just brace yourself for a whole load of moaning and dramatics. But stay strong and live your own life.
Good luck!

My dd is 20 and has moved out. I really miss her but she has to live her own life and you do to. Your parents will adjust. I guess at the age they are when your life has been centred around your kids it's hard to imagine how you will function with just each other.

Hopefully, for her, you will still ho and visit. And She is maybe just wondering out loud how she/ they will manage

They have options, downsize house? Buy something in a cheaper area?

You need to live your life for you, not them - just say don't be ridiculous, I'm growing up and moving on in my life like you both did - I want a family and husband too

Aren't they retiring soon?

What are you doing to work on your anxiety? You don't want this toxic cycle to continue I assume? It's a shame as you should be looking forward to moving out with your boyfriend (a perfectly normal thing to do) instead of getting worked up about it.

Them 'having to pull their belts in' is not your concern, there will be many more 'reasons' you shouldn't go, and shame on the pair of them for doing that.
To each and every barrier take a deep breath and don't engage. There could be some dramatic nonsense coming up for you, expect it and it will lose power.
It's unfortunate that your dad sounds too weak to be an ally. Look up NPD and try to view your mother dispassionately if you can, you will ruin your life if you don't put yourself first.

I felt worried for my parents when I left home, who were reluctant that I leave. It worked out fine. There will be many challenges and changes to overcome, particularly for your parents. But once they adjust and they will! You may find they prefer their new life and new freedom. I would put in place a working plan to keep in touch, for me I dropped in for tea once a week and called to check in with them and I stuck to it. I offered nothing more but was consistent in helping them to adjust to our new relationship.

I’m not an only child, no. My brother has already left home and I have a sister here too. They’re no where near retirement age. I’ve mentioned downsizing but of course, how could I suggest such a thing. I love mum dearly but I do want my own family

It's their problem not yours!

They have each other. Your parents are privileged to have had you at home until your 30s if that's what they wanted! Mine more or less left at 18 when they went to Uni, they found their own way in the world and that is normal. I find it awful if parents try and stunt a child's adulthood by hanging on to them for their own needs and reasons

Don't be guilt tripped. A parent should be delighted that you're finding your own way in the world and leaving to be independent. I have adult DCs, and the way I look at it is this... children are lent to you. You don't own them, they need to fly and find their own way in the world. Have that as your mantra.

It’s not your responsibility and really and truly she shouldn’t be putting her anxiety on you. Moving out is completely normal and it sounds like if they wanted to find a solution eg. Downsizing then they could but your mum selfishly would rather compromise your happiness and future

OP they managed without you before they will manage again! It is not your job to parent your parents...now is your time to forge a life for yourself...go grab it. They will adjust they will adapt and they will be fine.