Anxious Attachment

[pinkpostitnotes]

So, I've just been reading one of the threads and it referred to different attachment theories. I've been looking at them and think I probably have an angry anxious attachment style. What a bag of rubbish this is! I feel so frustrated that despite all my hard work to turn my crappy childhood around, I still have a bleak outlook for the future.

I am distraught at the thought I have contributed to my own unhappiness, by both my behaviour and letting myself get attached to avoidant people who don't have genuine feelings for myself. I have had therapy before and had already worked on boundaries etc. but it is just so depressing, that yet again it is a mountain for me to achieve what is just a given for most people.

Anyone else out there with this wonderful attachment style with any ideas how to improve things?

I'm an anxious attacher. It stems primarily from maternal abandonment. I struggle with relationships, expect people to leave, am highly sensitive to perceived rejection, and have a tendency to cling. I know. Tres attractive.

The desire to chase and cling is compulsive ie I feel as though I have little control over it. I know chasing is counterproductive and that it drives people away and damages my self esteem. I KNOW. But I find it very difficult to stop myself. I've had therapy. It makes absolutely no difference.

The one thing that has made a small difference is getting older. I'm better at setting boundaries and recognising unhealthy patterns of relating in myself and others the more life experience I have. I have recently managed to end a relationship with an avoidant man before I began to cling and chase to the point at which I embarrassed myself. For me, that is a huge victory.

Hi Chippy,

It all sounds so familiar, even down to ending a relationship with an avoidant man, although I would say mine was probably after I had embarrassed myself. For me it is compulsive too. I find I can be ok but once I have been triggered enough, I spiral and thats when I behave compulsively. I seem ok with other relationships, just romantic ones, I am seriously considering whether for me I need to accept that I will be happier alone, if not I really need to learn to walk away the moment any disrespectful or unkind behaviour is involved.

I think learning to recognise what triggers us is important for setting boundaries. So, for example, I know that if someone blows hot and cold that can trigger the compulsive urge to cling/chase. So these days I promise myself that at the first sign of blowing cold/avoidant attachment I will leave the relationship. That is what I have done recently and it feels good. For once I feel strong and more in control.

I'm not sure avoiding relationships is the answer to be honest. I think it's fine to be alone if we authentically want to be, but if it's only fear that's causing us to avoid romantic relationships then that's not healthy either. The ideal is to groove healthier patterns of relating.

I think the problem for myself is once I'm engaged, I'm engaged and I find it difficult to go against my emotions. I think at least in the short to medium term, I need to find ways to establish secure neurological pathways in myself , can I even do that for myself? I feel that is probably more likely for myself by not taking anymore risks and not strengthening the pathways that cause me to respond in an anxious way.

I'm pretty sure I have this attachment style too. What you say pinkpostitnotes really resonates; that compulsion to chase that Chippy mentions. The only way I can avoid this is by going stone cold and detaching to the point I don't feel anything. As you say, it's just romantic relationships not friendships.

I've just started counselling to try and attack this from some angle or other. Have had counselling previously and it's been useless, but as this one may involve elements of psychotherapy, I'm a tad more hopeful.

Well done, ChippyPickledEggs for ending that relationship before it triggered you into the downward spiral. Interesting what you say about the 'blowing hot and cold' - I can sometimes interpret things wrongly and see something as 'coldness' or detachment when it really isn't, and that will trigger something. It's almost as if I'm hyper sensitive to rejection triggers.

It really is a bag of shit!

I can definitely be hypersensitive and hypervigilent, normally I'm ok until something happens that throws me, then I just can't let it go.

If you don't mind, what kind of techniques are they suggesting in pyschotherapy? Have you found them useful?

It's so sad that even now, I want to try and be healthy, I really do!

Yes I am also hypersensitive to rejection which makes the whole dance even more difficult. Not only that but my tendency to chase and cling and feel so insecure causes a huge amount of shame. I mean, it's just not cool is it? So dealing with any of this in a healthy way is just fraught.

Hi. As well as therapy the books Attached and Hold me Tight can be helpful. Knowing your attachment style is half the battle I think because then you can find ways to be your own secure base and soothe yourself when feeling activated.

Hi @pinkpostitnotes I think you've probably read the same thread I read yesterday as it made me google attachment types and wow, reading about anxious attachment I could be reading about myself. It's also made me realise that I think my husband is an avoidant

It's difficult isn't it. One way I am looking at it though is that knowledge is power - anything that helps you understand yourself better is a good thing as it means when you're struggling you'll understand better WHY you're struggling and make it easier to deal with.

pinkpostitnotes I'm not sure yet as only just had my first session! I chose the counsellor as she is is qualified in psychotherapy as well as other techniques. The first session was just about her getting an idea of what my issues are. She has suggested that things can be dealt with without psychotherapy, but I suspect I need something that really digs deep. Having had counselling previously, I know that just talking therapy doesn't even touch the sides.

It's great that you want to take control of this issue now - it can't be impossible can it??

Do you mind me asking if your compulsive behaviour manifests itself in communication issues with your DP (when/if you have one)? Especially in conflict resolution? I find I also 'can't let go' when trying to resolve an issue, even if the other person has done all they can. It's weird.

I know Chippy it does feel shameful as the men I tend to cling to also tend to be really averse to neediness. 👍 I can tell you are quite self-deprecating and it's actually really helping you sharing, so thanks!

Thank's hedgehog, I'll look at those books

Yeah, beach I was equal parts devastated and relieved, at having an explanation but not really an easy solution. But I guess if there was an easy way it would have probably come to light by now. It has already made me think I need to tackle things sooner and more dispassionately.

Oh yes big-breasts, boy does it manifest. Once I have latched onto something, I need to re-hash constantly, I ruminate, criticize and cry, I even exhaust and piss myself off, but I just cannot stop until I have an extended amount of time-out. It's actually like I have an out of body experience, I get myself so worked up and high but in a really unpleasant hysterical way. Oh, yes it is actually a joy being with me!😁

Good lord, it sounds identical to how I am! The re-hashing and ruminating - yes. It's utterly exhausting emotionally and physically. And the after effects can stay with me, bodily; I can be shaking the next day after a major upset.

It sounds like you're very self aware, pinkpost so that's a huge step in the right direction. We need to have this insight before we can start working on changing things.

It's so totally not attractive and that makes it worse. Already feeling unlovable and then exhibiting crazy (looking) behaviour that's bound (we think) to push people away! The people we most want to love us!

I’m reading this thread with interest as I think I’m an anxious attacher. I was pushed away by my mother when I was a toddler and I think it stems from that. I chase too and I over compensate and I’m desperate to please. I can’t bear people being mean to me and there could be 10 people in a room who like me but I’ll be drawn to and fixated on the one person who is disinterested in me. Why is that? I think my husband is avoidant. Do those relationships inevitably lead to disaster?

So other than therapy - is there another option?

Right then my anxious attachment friends, I've been doing a lot of reading up today and it turns out that my very recent ex is probably an anxious attacher and I am most definitely an avoidant attacher. I genuinely love her and miss her, but do I tell her this new information or would it just add to her misery? I'm not sure I can see a way to make it work, but I just love her.

I know bigbreasts, that's the plan that's why I'm looking for any insights into how I can move forward.

I'm not sure gnostick it seems a bit bleak at the moment.

nomoreclue it's tricky isn't it, I have found that age has helped me with that one and I really focus on it being ok and that there is no-one that everyone likes.

Catonaroof, as you are already an ex and you can't see a way to make it work, I'm not sure that telling her would be kind.

Gnostick for me personally (not saying this would be the same for anyone else) therapy gave me insight into why I attached and behaved in the ways I do, but has not worked to help me change the behaviour.

I've had therapy more than once. I've had group therapy, one on one therapy, and different kinds of counselling. I don't need any more insight. Really. I don't need anyone else to tell me I have abandonment and daddy issues. I KNOW. I know I'm really chasing and clinging onto the mother who left the family home when I was 7. I know my father's sexual abuse fucked up my adult relational behaviour. I know.

But I can't change any of that. What I need and want to do is change my behaviour, and knowing why I behave the way I do hasn't personally helped me to do that. It's born out of compulsion, not ignorance.

I wonder if the answer is not to have counselling to understand why but to have proper psychological intervention to focus on positive behaviour change. Something like CBT or boundary setting or even mediation when we feel the compulsive/anxious behaviour starting. Focusing the mind? There has to be a way. People can change addictive behaviour like gambling or over-eating...this is the same right? its an addictive/compulsive pattern of behaviour

Yes I think you are on the right track, Nomoreclue.

I think that maybe the way too. To focus on getting down before we are compulsive and recognising environments which are dangerous to us and having the tools to deal with this.

Chippy a dismissive avoidant here, what has helped is: not berating myself for being triggered, recognising when I am being triggered and at that point, treating myself with kindness ie giving myself a mental hug and telling myself all will be ok. These days I find all I need to do is say to myself it will be ok.
I did have emdr a few years back and it helped enormously.

This post has been an eye-opening read. Thank you, OP.

The counsellor that I saw last week for the first time was talking about focusing on breathing, amongst other things. Everything she said made sense, but it simply won't make a difference when I'm in a triggering situation, so I will definitely be trying to explain to her more about how it is for me.

Often think that the only way for me to be in control of this is by avoiding relationships.

Omg this is me. Everything is resonating here from feeling like the only way to be happy and not anxious is to avoid relationships, to continually attracting avoidant people (WHY???) and their withdrawing triggering me and making me cling more. The loss of all rational thought when my emotions run high, impulsive actions, fear of rejection, always expecting the worst to happen...

I’m about to embark on therapy. I have a fairly good idea why I’m like this (only really realised in the last couple of years) but I’m looking forward to hopefully unpicking it a bit more. Similar to PPs, in the last couple of situations I was able to end things before they became too toxic for both parties and that is a huge achievement for me

'Try focusing on your breathing when you feel the compulsive urge to act out on your anxiety' = 'Oh I see your leg has been blown off. Have you tried lavendar oil and positive thinking?'