Does it really happen - recovery after infidelity

[prettygreenteacup]

2 years on from discovery of DH's cheating.
He slept with 2 women, a few months apart.
Was on dating sites to find them. Told them he was single/separating from me.
Kept photos of them.
When I found out from woman 1 he lied to me about the second woman when I asked him outright was she the only one. I discovered the other a few weeks after.
He said he was too terrified to tell me the whole truth.
I chose to stay. And I choose forgiveness over and over but do you ever really move past it?
We've never had any time apart this whole time. I'm wondering if that's what I need. I'm also booking in for counselling individually.
My self esteem is on the floor and I just fear I will always feel this way.
We have two young DC and I'm so worried about splitting up our family unit

Well he set out to deliberately deceive you repeatedly - not once but twice (that you know of).

Even if you stay together for life, you will always know he is capable of doing that to you. It says nothing about you, and everything about what sort of person he is.

That's what to bear in mind, whatever decision you make.

I know. I think it's the extent of his deceit that I'm unsure I will ever get over. And he's never given me real answers as to why he did it and how he could do it to me. He just says he doesn't understand what he was thinking at the time.
I'm not sure that's enough.

What he was thinking of at the time was his penis.

Not a particularly helpful answer of course I know it was selfishness and sex. I meant I've not had answers as to how he could possibly even look me in the eye all that time, never mind have sex with me. He just responds that he doesn't understand his own behaviour and what he was thinking

Affairs are exciting for those who seek them out. Some men want the single life but also like to hang on to their home comforts and guaranteed sex. Some like the idea of 'getting one over' on their partner. Some are not suited to monoganous relationships. Some are merely bored and want to see if the grass is greener.

Your a bigger person than me OP. He cheated twice and was on a dating website. If he hadn't of been caught out how many more women would he of slept with? Do you trust him at all a couple of years later?

Some operate on the "what they don't know can't hurt them" agenda. That's how they can look their partner in the eye. Men are also better at compartmentalising their lives.

@yawn I tell myself I trust him but I have this underlying fear that 10 years down the line what if he does it again? Before I found out from the first woman he was attempting to end it but concluded he still wouldn't tell me, he'd just have to live with the guilt. So I don't believe he would have ever told me anything. And what I still get stuck on is the fact that he outright lied to my face when I said to him "is she the only one?" She wasn't. But he said she was. That hurt runs so deep because he still couldn't give me that respect at the biggest crisis point. He was too scared.

When something like this happens in a marriage, it does destroy your self esteem and especially with 2 young children you end up feeling trapped.

What you need to learn from the infidelity is that your husband can't be relied upon. Your life was probably centred round your children and him, if you want to feel better, your life needs to be about your kids and you. He can trundle along in the background but your priority needs to be your children and you.

Do things for you. Make a life out with being in a couple. Only then will you build yourself back up and start to feel good about you.

In answer to your question about staying together. The betrayal is always a shadow over the relationship. However, if you make the person a bit player in your life it does get easier. On paper you can still be together, but mentally you detach from the person.

Bumping into someone out on a night out and having a ONS.....
OK, something people can work on (not me - but others can)
But this OP!?
He deliberately went all out to shag someone else.
Not just once but multiple times.
Don't kid yourself it's only twice.
He will only reveal what he has to, as you have already found out.
He's a liar and a total sleaze ball.
Why would you lower yourself to try to keep him?
ICK!!!!!
He's vile - end of!
And get to your local GUM or SHAW clinic for an STD check. FAST!!!

I too, have the same issues . I can not get past the deceit and blatantly lying to my face.

And the whole planning involved ! Can't believe that they joined sites, made profiles, arrangements to meet , etc.

We went to counselling , thought I was OK. But I can't get past it and everything is now suspect.

Only you can make the decision. I am planning to split as soon as I can . And I am in my 50s , married 30 years!

I am afraid for you, in that he could do this to you with young DCs at home. Doesn't seem to have any qualms about potentially destroying your life and his children's.

Think long and hard about what you want your future life to be like.
And please, protect yourself financially .

He won't have answers because if he actually had to be honest with himself, he'd have to admit what a piece of shit he actually is. Instead he'll play victim and try and excuse his choices. Truth is he thought he could get away with it so he did. The thrill of cheap nasty sex meant more to him than his wife and in all honesty I would never ever get past that.
You're asking how he could look you in the eye while doing it? Ask yourself if you can ever look at him in the eye again and have any respect for him knowing what you now know?

Prospect of splitting up is scary when you have young kids - I've been there - BUT it is doable. Being on your own with a peaceful heart and mind is a zillion times better than being stuck in a resentful, trustless marriage with a man who clearly has zero respect for you.

Yes my Dh had an affair 2 years ago, lasted about 5/6 weeks start to finish, he didn't tell me, I found out, this was a man I trusted with my life, it wasn't in his character to do that to me, it turned out he was suffering with severe MH issues, not an excuse I know, but it is what it is,

I chose to stay in our marriage, I loved my dh regardless, it's been tough, I still do get upset about it, he went to counselling, got on meds for MH issues and I can safely say our marriage has never been stronger or happier,