To split up or to carry on being unhappy trying and trying

[YorkshireMa]

I don't even know why I am writing this but I am just hoping hearing some other people's opinions or experience will help me realise what is the best option to do

me and my OH had our little girl 15 months ago and haven't really been right ever since... we constantly bicker and Get angry with eachother over things that shouldn't even matter, I'm scared this is now going on in front of our little one and she is picking up on all the negativity between us both so Iv said I want to leave and both go separate ways to be happy and give her the happiness she deserves, not a stressed unhappy miserable home what we are living in most days now.

We have been together 7 years, we have had many ups and downs like normal couples do but have always been like best friends which I can't work out if that's a good or bad thing sometimes as we laugh so hard together and really understand eachother, he gets me like nobody else really has but yet we don't have the best sex life and rarely want to show eachother affection

I work from home as a florist so my daily routine is quite tough on me which I think I am causing a few more arguments through stress... I am a full time mum all day then when my little one goes to bed I work all night while probably 10-11pm and go to bed, I don't feel like I have a life through the week but I don't have a choice but to do this!

Another major thing is I really do not get along with his parents anymore and we seem to argue about his family so much because I feel he is scared of them and doesn't speak up when he should. There is lots that have gone on which I don't need to get into but I don't feel comfortable around them anymore I don't like there company and I'm really struggling to carry on pretending to be happy for my daughter and OHs sake :-(

we are now on the verge of selling the house and moving on for good and the thought of it really is scaring me to death... our little girl not having us together, not making family memories together etc is thrashing my head and I cannot think what really is for the best. My OH hasn't took this well, even though last week he was agreeing saying it needs to end and we are toxic towards eachother. He is now constantly being horrible to me saying shitty things like he will resent me forever for splitting this family up, it's breaking my heart but deep down I know he isn't meaning he is just upset and hurt that it has come to this. I am considering suggesting counselling as a last resort at giving things one last shot but I'm scared it's past that point and we are just wasting time being so unhappy together and miserable everyday.

I will now stop rambling but just hope someone can shed any light or has been in a similar position who can actually understand me and know how this feels :-( Has anyone else tried counselling as a last resort or got through a really rough patch like this? Or is this really the end and I am holding on to that tiny bit of false hope xxxx

Just responding briefly as I couldn't not reply. It sounds as though many things are at play here. Fundamentally do you love him? Does he love you? Can you find a common goal to work towards, ie: raising your DC together? What happened to the relationship with DH's parents? Having young children is such a culture shock and tiredness is the enemy of rationality. It's up to you but my advice would be to try everything before deciding to part ways. That way it's easier to live with yourself. Whether you decide to stay together or not counselling is a good way for you each to communicate exactly what is going on and how you both really feel about things. Good luck with everything.

You're just absolutely shattered.

Nothing make sense when you're tired.

You end up making shit up just to justify your feelings.

Is it possible for you to step back a bit.

Can someone look after your lo give you a break ?

Will being a single parent lighten the load or just bring a whole set of new problems. ?

As for the in-laws , at this time I would take them out the equation.

Let oh visit them alone.

Set some boundaries, you're working or resting is your reason.

Things will get easier.

Sounds like us a couple of years ago, we were screaming at each other almost constantly. Counselling really helped tremendously.

Give the counselling a try then you know you've done all you can to try and save it. Don't let his threats mess with your head though

Thankyou for your replies, my head is such a mess with this and I really don't know what is the best option to choose. The main reason for the fall out between the in laws is that when I was pregnant I went over my due date and I had to be induced on the 14th day if my little one didn't arrive before.. it was 2 days over and she decided to book them a holiday on the day After I was to be induced.. even after my partner pleading with them not to go as he would be devastated if they missed the birth, she was sure they wouldn't miss it as inducing "wouldn't take long"... low and behold I had a horrible 28 hour Labour and nola entered the world just as they were boarding there flight. I will never forget how much hurt that brought to our lives, I had an emergency section and my other half had to do everything for the first week as I was in so much pain. My mum did her best and was there for us everyday but all I could do was curse them, they went on a pointless holiday when they could of gone literally anytime in the world but they chose that date. When they got back they didn't apologise, they didn't see what they had done wrong and started being even worse, his mum would come round and start the water works because she felt I was pushing them out and cold towards them, this made me so down as I was trying my hardest to be normal for my other half but I was so hurt and angry, they can be quite manipulative and always think they know best ignoring what I say to do with our baby, it causes lots of frustration on my part.
Yes I do love him, but I'm scared I'm not in love with him right now? Do I want to hug and kiss him, not at the minute. I took a week off from work a couple of weeks ago and we didn't argue once, we laid and watched films and laughed together but still no affection there

I know there is only me who can decide but it's just the hardest decision of my life and I feel torn what would be best. I have a home to go to I rent out my own property that was left to me after my dad passed but mark would have to move back with his parents which I also feel so shitty about! Xx

Go to counselling, its excellent to help you either mend or find a way to separate as calmly as possible.

I can't get over your MIL - what an absolute bitch!! How dare she blame you for going over the due date, it's not something you did to spite her ffs!! And to make it all about her? Sorry, she is one nasty piece of work, get her out of your life as much as you possibly can.

Does her son know how she has treated you? What was his reaction? If he doesn't know he needs to, asap, to know what his M is really like.

Lovely to read about your week off together, that is so positive.
Fwiw, I think this is relationship is completely saveable, if you both want it.

I’m not sure what you DP’s parents going on holiday around your due date has to do with your current situation tbh. You sound very emotive and worked up about a fairly minor wider family difference of opinion from 18months age. I fear you may be conflating two separate issues here and this is needlessly adding to your emotional turmoil.

You say you had your own DM on hand every day, plus your DP. There weren’t any other older DCs to juggle. I’m not sure why you’re so resentful and angry still over what was a minor issue, but I think you need to park this, as it’s obviously stoking up resentment in you and adding to the perceived troubles between you and your DP.

Having a young DC and working is always a challenge and tiring, and places strain on all r’ships. Have you and DP sat down and looked at logistical changes that could be made re: your timetables/working arrangements? Putting your DC in nursery a couple of mornings a week whilst you work, instead of working in eves? You could then use those eves to reconnect by getting your DM to babysit whilst you spend time together as a couple. In 6 months time your DC will probably be eligible for free nursery funding, so this would radically change your current situation.

I think taking a step back with a cooler calmer head on, looking at longer term solutions, going to relate counselling together to look at your communication styles, and enlisting some help and support from other sources would be the best options before you go down the emotive talks of selling your house and splitting up. For all of your sakes.

I think you are slightly over reacting about your IL’s choice of holiday date ... & why did your DH feel ‘devasted’ that his parents missed the birth of a grandchild ... the vast majority of mumsnetters seem to want their ILs out of the way. . I had an Emergency Section but both my DPs & ILs lived mikes away, I would never have assumed they would be around to help.

However the bit about your MIL being manipulative sounds as though she is just not a very nice person, can you detach yourself from her & just concentrate on your DH & baby .... or is your DH over invested emotionally with his parents?

I’ll be honest OP. I’m not sure if this is all to do with your tiredness but the in laws going on holiday when you were due is a strange thing to be so upset about. I had no idea where my in laws were when my kids were born! They didn’t see my kids until they were a few weeks old. No big deal. I’m not sure why you got/get so worked up about that? There really are bigger issues in life. If this is indicative of how you are day to day then you really need some help. I’d suggest you go see somebody on your own who specialises in birth trauma and BPD and depression before ending your marriage. You also need help in setting boundaries. Do you count to 10 before you speak? Maybe start that as a strategy. You sound very reactive. Start delaying your verbal reaction to whatever is happening around you. That might help in calming your home life down.

The first year to 18 mths is almost always tough. I’ve had 5 children, yet every time I have a baby, I’m shocked at how much impact it actually has on everything. ( you’d think I’d learnt by now) The books are pants pre baby. Pp here are bang on. You’re shattered, not just physically, but emotionally. You can’t see an end in sight.
Babies have been the making of some couples, but they have also been the breaking. Not that this in anyway is babies fault.
It’s so tough to feel empathy towards someone else when you’re feeling so frazzled yourself. You then both end up with resentment for one another, entitled, not listened too, not respected. Things you may once have tolerated, become the target of all your frustration, anger, sadness.
I’m sat here now, typing this to you with my 18 mth old clambering all over me. She’s my shadow! It can be very overwhelming and suffocating sometimes. You need time for you. time for you and your dh. Then with clarity you can both make a decision. Make time. Just 15 minutes to start. Acknowledge to each other just how tough things have become since baby arrives. Laugh about it. Listen to each other. You’ll be amazed at how acknowledging this will lift a huge cloud. Don’t discuss is parents, etc or actual triggers. Just you him and baby and the impact. X

I’m not sure why they needed to be there if you had help. We hear on MN of evil MILs crashing births & how innapropriate it is for groups of relatives to just rock up to the hospital these days. I know the birth is the most important thing in your life but it’s really not for everyone else. They might be looking forward to both their holiday & seeing new baby upon return. I don’t see this as wrong in isolation. But if you don’t get along & feel they dislike you then can see why that would be hurtful. Just the way you describe it sounds a bit self centred to me. Not everyone must drop everything because you’re in labour & have plenty of other support available to you!

Am also confused as to why you work from home but it’s seemingly impossible for you to get any work started until the baby goes to bed. You need to learn how to manage your business from home better. I get SAHM is a full time job but work from home should bring the benefit of Being able to work while also looking after baby.

@nomoreclue you have it perfectly spot-on. V perceptive advice here which I wholeheartedly second.

Having a child really adds a huge amount of strain to a relationship some people get through some don't. My advice would be to make a decision sooner rather than later if things don't get better don't keep waiting for them to change. You dc is still young separating now will have far less impact that waiting years down the line

The first year/two of a child's life is one of the most common times for parents to get divorced. I'm currently pregnant and my DH have made a deal that however tough it is (and we're expecting it to be tough), we wouldn't consider leaving/divorce until the child turns two. By that point things should have calmed a little and be a better perception of reality. Do you think you could give it a bit longer? I also think you are being a little overly sensitive re ILs - they can go on holiday whenever they like, aren't obliged to give you help. Assuming neither you/your DH are teenagers then you made this decision on your own and shouldn't expect to rely on others (sorry, don't mean that to sound harsh).

I can't get over your MIL - what an absolute bitch!! How dare she blame you for going over the due date, it's not something you did to spite her ffs

RoseyOldCrow You have completely made this up. The OP has said nothing of the sort.

I’m also struggling to see why the IL’s holiday is such an issue. If this is the biggest problem it is an odd thing to break up the family for.

It's hard reading some of these views as it's hard to write in a short message just how bad things are with a certain person and to tell a whole big story for people to understand but reading this I think I am the issue of this and do need to just drop it it's like I'm finding this to hold on to any excuse for us not to get along. The holiday was the main reason which despite what you all say you don't understand I was still a little shocked and hurt, they constantly go against what I say with my little girl which is just a massive stress but I suppose there is only me to blame for being a pushover and not opening my mouth. Writing this down it all sounds so pathetic and there is so much worse MILs In the world I know that, we just clash and grind eachothers gears which isn't nice I cannot seem to warm to her at all which is understandably not very nice for my other half but he does fully understand just what his parents can be like so I suppose it's me on that part and I need to learn to keep my thoughts to myself instead of slagging his parents in anger when he is pushing me for an argument :-(

For the working from home I do floristry so mainly big events, this includes working with some poisonous plants, sharp equipment etc and it's just not a safe working environment to have a baby toddling around who is into everything so I prefer to work on an evening when she is in bed and I don't get distracted. She is a very hyper full on baby and doesn't nap much so working while she naps isn't an option either. We don't get any help as all our family works full time but maybe getting help with some nursery hours would be a good idea I just liked the thought of me doing it myself aswell as juggling work as prices are so high too for childcare, but it's quite clear I am struggling

My other half seems to have anger issues I can happily walk away from an argument and give us space but he continues to follow me around saying hurtful things which then results in me snapping and us both in yet another argument. He would never hurt either of us but slams doors and raises his voice which I hate him doing around our little one so I get upset and feel awful for her.

We split 4 years ago and both moved on for 6 months but found ourself back together, I'm thinking is the grass greener on the other side and we could still work at things as it all seems so petty writing shit down but in everyday life it's very stressful when this is constantly building up and feeling like you don't have much of a connection with someone anymore

I feel like I'm really rambling on about nothing and that this is pathetic compared to how bad some relationships are :-(

@Tojigornot I have also never said this is the reason I am splitting the family up, me not getting along with his family is just another thing in the background that we sometimes argue about

It sounds like you enjoy ideas of things but not reality. You enjoyed the idea of everyone celebrating in the delivery room & you didn’t get what you wanted so you’re upset your moment was taken. You like the idea of being a full time mum who juggles her successful business from home while also doting on baby all day. I think your expectations are really unreasonable. You simply cannot focus solely on your baby at home and only commence your job at the end of the day. You will need to manage it when they nap, or put them in a play pen. If this isn’t feasible then daycare is your option.

I think you’re living in a fantasy land & need to be more realistic here because it’s not making you happy

@tojigornot In my sleepy state this morning, I read "his mum would come round and start the water works" after OP daring to go to 14 days overdue, and put them together. (I still think MIL is not exactly selfless though!)

OP - forgive me for my misunderstanding above.
Please forget about how your problems rate in the scale of those of others, it's what feels right or wrong in your world that matters to you.

Are you trying to fit two roles into one now by "working" day & night? If so, It is not sustainable (or healthy) & is not going to help help you, DH or your relationship at all.

So really you need to work out where you can improve your use of time, whether it is to use nursery care to give you day hours in which to work, or to cut down on your clients, offer fewer / simpler / quicker products, take on staff....

Gahhh, I hate it when I put in beautiful paragraphs & the sodding app takes them out 😡