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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unsure what to do

8 replies

Monkeymoo92 · 16/10/2019 22:20

I feel awful. Just for background I'm in a long term relationship for the last 7 years, never cheated. I've also never cheated on any previous partners no matter how much of an arsehole they were or if they had cheated on me. I really disapprove of cheating.
However I seem have developed a ridiculous crush on a man at work. He's lovely, intelligent, helpful, and a loving husband and father. He's about 10 years older than myself. I have reflected on this and I think it's come about mainly because he sort of reminds me of my own DP except older without all the things that are causing me to question our relationship. DP doesn't seem to want to commit to any sort of plan for children (when asked if he would consider ttc now or near future , met with a definite no, however no idea if he would consider them in 1-2 years time or 10 years time - I'm suspected he'd rather never have children but won't admit it) , despite the length of the relationship and the fact we are late 20s, he seems to be completely lacking in career asperations, I'm happy with him not having a particularly well paid job, but it's not stable and he can't even say he enjoys it, he also doesn't try to actively try to spend quality time with me, he seems content with how life is and no intention of changing any of this. Am I wrong to just want more? I feel like we have started to grow apart the last year especially, I'm ready to grow up and move forward in life and he just seems to want to stall as much as possible. I feel like this crush on another man is a symptom of my unhappiness with my relationship. I just wish I could get some of this other man's qualities and inject them into my DP.
Maybe we've outgrown each other? I don't know, I just feel guilty at the moment for feeling this way, surely a 7 year relationship is worth fighting for? Or maybe its time to call it a day, are we just going to drag this relationship out because we're comfortable?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/10/2019 22:28

Op is the baby thing a game changer? Honestly I think you need to dri de if you're prepared to wait around for him to decide and if not, to bite bullet sooner rather than later.

C0untDucku1a · 16/10/2019 22:29

sunk cost fallacy. Move on.

Monkeymoo92 · 16/10/2019 22:42

I think the baby thing is a game changer, I feel quite sad being around men who adore their children and find joy in being a father. I don't know whether to give myself a time line that if nothing changes by a certain date that I will have to call it quits. I don't really know, to be honest all my previous relationships ended due to them cheating etc. It feels wrong to quit a relationship when there we don't even argue particularly regularly

OP posts:
Confused866 · 16/10/2019 22:55

I think your gut is telling you it’s time to end it and move on - listen to it rather than stay because it’s comfortable. I wish I had listened to mine before I married and had children, that makes everything more complicated.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/10/2019 23:38

People will tell you you have YEARS to worry about babies but it isn't alway that easy. You need time to find someone new, settle in, make babies and see someone if they aren't easily being made. Don't go e him years of your life to waste.

If you gave him an ultimatum, would he have kids with you and do you think he'd be fully engaged with it?

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/10/2019 07:15

Is this the gamer partner? If so again? Thread number 9? Getting concerned for you now OP! The baby desire is a new addition, but everything else is the same. What are you expecting mumsnet to do for you? The advice doesn't change regardless of how many times you post. Most say move on. Please speak to someone in real life. After nine threads I would suggest counselling as you seem to be extremely unsure of what you want and/are frozen by inertia and/or fear of making a decision.

Monkeymoo92 · 17/10/2019 07:30

@thingsdogetbetter no, this is definitely not my 9th thread, I can only assume someone else has been in similar situation to myself. I'm guessing ita not that uncommon a situation to be in

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 17/10/2019 10:08

Your situation isn't uncommon but please don't drag this relationship out any more.

7 years may be a goodly chunk of time but don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy; during this time you've learned and grown and it's taught you that you want more from life than a lack lustre relationship with a man who has no apparent ambitions and who doesn't make time for you.

This relationship has run its course. You've outgrown him and it's time to move on the next chapter of your life where you look to find a man who has all the good qualities of your crush.

Don't let your biological clock rush you into 'settling''; you've got plenty of time to embrace being completely free to do whatever you want and go where you want without having to consider anyone else,

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