Getting talked over

[crazyhead]

Lately, I've noticed how upset I'm getting about being talked over by people in my life.

The people who do this to me in particular are my DF, but also one of my best friends (My DH is quite often there with me, and also gets pretty annoyed by it, but I think feels less emotionally affected. He's a fairly reserved man and doesn't get a word in edgeways!)

My DF is in many ways such a kind and generous man, but he absolutely dominates the conversation. If I try to say a single thing about myself (I'm talking one thing about my life, say, in an hour long conversation) he just talks directly over it, and sort of speeds up his own talking - which covers things that have no direction connection to me - his past, achievements, friends I haven't met. It honestly feels that he sees anything I say about myself or even my kids is an intrusion. Sometimes, if I'm feeling sensitive, it makes me feel extremely hurt and disparaged.

I also have a very similar thing with a close friend. Again, she's really a kind person and dear friend, but just dominates the conversation, especially after a few drinks (she knocks it back a bit). She just talks more and more about herself, even in groups (say if we have people over to dinner) when it can be really overwhelming. If anyone says a single thing about themselves, their views, they are just cut off mid-sentence, and the talking gets louder and more intense. Me included, and again I land up feeling hurt.

I wonder if the fact that both my friend and DF come from big families and just are fighting to be heard in some way explains this. They seem to be particularly bad in conversations with at least two people there. I wonder if it's random that I've ended up with two such dominant overtalkers, or something about what I pick or accept.

But I am not dealing with it well at the moment, partly because there are things in my life I'd appreciate talking to those close to me about. It makes me just feel invisible and quite upset, and want to avoid those people. And actually they are people I deeply care about, and want to support.

Anyone been in this situation? I know it's not that serious, but I can't be getting it right.

Do you think your df and friend have any syndrome/personality disorder/ issues that would cause this behaviour.

Be sure it sounds to me so extreme that I wonder if they are entirely normal in terms of communication etc.

My DM and her siblings sometimes do this; they're from a v large family; so that could also be a factor.

But I do think there's a mental/developmental/disorder aspect to it.

*Because

You perhaps tolerated it in your friend due to your familiarity with it from your df; where another person would have legged it v early on.

DF - no, I don't think so. In many ways he is incredibly functional and really nice. I don't think he was heard much in his childhood though to be honest. I feel he is saying stuff to prove he is a success to himself out loud. I also feel it has worsened since my mum died a few years ago, I think I am replacing something she did for my DF maybe. I guess what makes me feel sad is that it is not an interaction, I don't feel like a daughter. Thinking about it, I think my kids being round make it worse, as though he is competing. I wonder if I am almost in a parent role to him.

My friend suffers from depression. She isn't diagnosed as bipolar but there is a kind of manic quality to it.

I wonder that, DarlingBuds. My friend does have a number of tricky relationships with people as well as close ones. In her heart she is really kind and caring though.

I do think that alcohol doesn't help if people are that way inclined.

I had a friend who did this years ago and I just used to say, calmly, "you're talking over me". I used to it all the time and she did improve.

However, I have a friend now who does it. A lot. It so annoying and dismissive, and makes me feel like I'm being belittled. I have never said it to her and never even drawn a comparison until reading your thread. Maybe I'll try it again. My tactic these days is, and only very occasionally, just to persist in what I was saying, until frankly, you both sound ludicrous because you are both talking but she does eventually stop. Not a tactic I'd recommend as it just gets me more frustrated. Funnily enough I've recently been considering our friendship and it feels very one sided - me being there for her, so maybe it is a domination thing. With your father that could be a natural "I'm senior in the hierarchy" thing and he still expects you to be seen and not heard. So more tricky to address.

Could you talk to your friend if she is a genuinely nice person and tell her how it makes you feel? Explain that she is doing it?