Would you move?

[Frazzlesandacoke]

Apologies if this seems trivial, but I feel really torn and would appreciate some perspective.

My parents are in their early 70's. I'm an only child and live about 4 hours drive from them. Although they are in good health now, I'm worried that, as they get older, they may start to need me. Mum doesn't drive and I'm not sure how they'd manage if Dad had to give up driving. They don't have anyone else.

Neither me or DH are from the town we currently live in, we don't have any friends or family here. I don't work and DH isn't tied to any place for work.

We have a window next summer, when DS moves from primary school to high school and DD will finish high school and move on to do her A-levels, when we could move nearer to my parents with minimal disruption.

DH doesn't mind whether we move or stay. DD also doesn't mind either way. DS (aged10) REALLY doesn't want to move.

I am terrified of uprooting everyone in case they don't settle/ hate it.

What do I do???

We

Do you actually want to liv

Oops! Try again. Do you actually want to live there? We have just moved, and elderly parents were a factor, but not-by a long way- the main reason for moving. And we certainly wouldn’t have relocated if we didn’t like the place. If your parents are well and independent they may not need you for another 10-15 years, by which point your youngest will have long finished school. But if you are a bit meh about where you live and you think that life near your parents would overall be better (independent of how much they need you or not) then move.

Thanks for your reply. I think so! It feels like 'home' I guess. I'm just struggling with unsettling my son but at the same time think it's really sad that he doesn't see his grandparents often and vice versa.

My DS (6) really didn’t want to move, and I still feel guilty about it. He hasn’t settled easily in his new school and really misses his friends. DH and I however miss almost nothing (in fact I’m pretty sure DH misses absolutely nothing). I literally drive around smiling. I’ve reconnected with lots of old friends (I grew up here). I love that the postman has known me since I was 7 (mid 40s now). I love that I can pop into my parents house, 5minutes from ours, whenever I feel like it. I love that the kids can have easy GP days without having to make a whole weekend out of it. And I love that I get to be close to my parents at the later stages of their lives. I would have felt guilty for not giving my children the chance to form a relationship with their GP and vice versa. We have no regrets.

I think that children should be given opportunity to say their piece. However, as children, imo their opinions can be taken into consideration, but as adults we make the decisions based on the needs of the whole family and what we deem would be best.

He's going to start a new school. Though he may find the upheaval difficult initially, he's probably in no worse a position than many others moving to secondary school.
And even if stated he has no guarantee that the school he'd be allocated would be with his friends and social circle, which is usually a child's priorities.
As an only child, I think your plan is sensible and better made in your time than to wait and find one gets ill. You ending up having to travel down at short notice, leaving the children for extended parents, trying to juggle your unit and the needs of your parents plus the variety of organisations that would probably be involved.
I would spend the time showing your son the positives of the location and providing the opportunities and investigating what may Be of interest for him.

That would be the time to move. My family moved from south east to south west to be nearer my mums family when I was halfway through year eight. I was horrible to start a new school halfway through the year and after everyone had formed friendship groups. I made friends fairly quickly even though I was really shy but it was really hard work.
I think it would have been ok though if it was before school started as there would be others starting who wouldn't know each other.

I think it makes sense and your DS will make new friends anyway at secondary school and leave the primary ones behind to a certain extent. Now sounds a good time for the family as a whole and lovely for you all to be closer to your parents.

Do you want to move back to your hometown or would you prefer to have your dps move to your present location?

Regardless, next summer when ds will be transitioning to secondary education is absolutely the right time to move. Let's hope your dd doesn't acquire a boyfriend in the meantime

I would be inclined to move. There are certainly a lot of positives about doing so. I live a long way from my parents whose health is now declining and I travel a great deal to help them. I would love to have lived closer to them but a move isn't possible in my case. So, from that perspective I would move if you could enjoy living there. And work towards giving your son lots of support to settle in and make new friends. I don't underestimate how hard that transition could be for him.

We moved an eight year old who really didn't want to move to the other side of the world, we listened to him but ultimately made the decision as adults about what was best for our family of five.

We didn't belittle his concerns, and he was the only person who actually got to bring every single thing in his room with him down to the last LEGO brick as that was a big deal for him and something we could make happen. He settled fine and soon loved it here. You have an easier sell with grandparents to spend time with and it sounds like you would like to move there so I would say go for it.

I'd speak with your parents about their willingness to move as it would be for their benefit.

My grandma moved to he closer to the rest of us and my friend's mum moved a couple of years ago to be closer to her.

I've known a few older (but not yet 'elderly') parents move but not known anyone uproot their young family to move elsewhere.

The only person I know who has considered moving is a 60 year old retired friend who is considering moving to the seaside to her mum who is nearly 90. But she's not happy about it. She has a full life here and feels sad that she will be giving it up to move to her mum who rarely leaves the house and has few friends now. But, equally she understands that it would not be appropriate for her mum to.move.

It's a hard thing to uproot and start again.

I wouldn’t move, v disruptive for your DC.

I wouldn’t move based on it the effect on your DC; i think for your DD it’d be really hard to settle somewhere just for her a-levels and leave all her friends behind.
In this situation I’ve known parents/grandparents do the moving.

Also, what are you and DH willing - and not willing - to do with regard to your parents?

Given their ages anything could happen at any time. Or not. One in four people need long term care.

I would not, for example, want to live with or be a carer to my parent.

A great book on these issues is Being Mortal by Atul Gawande