Abusive BIL what would you do?

[Lentilbug]

DH and I attended BIL's engagement party this weekend. When the time came for speeches he refused to make one. When pressed he mumbled something about "shotgun weddings" and just left it at that. His fiancé was the one to thank everyone for coming and for welcoming her to the family.

Later that night DH gets a phone call from their other brother who wanted DH to sort BIL out. He had gotten very drunk and flew into a screaming rage at his fiancé because she posted pictures from the engagement party on Instagram. BIL deleted them and lied about it then went off when his fiancé questioned him. It was so bad that other brother kicked BIL out of his car and made him walk home. He called the verbal assault "disgusting".

I have had issues with BIL in the past; he did not adjust well to DH and I being married as he was quite reliant on my DH for attention and emotional support. His poor social skills mean that he has no friends - he will talk about himself and his job endlessly with no consideration for others.

My biggest gripe with him is that he is also quite sexist. He's a horrendous slob who refuses to cook or clean because he believes this to be beneath him. He tries to blame the fact that he had a housekeeper as a child to explain why he was "used to it" and can't pick up after himself. He says that he can just make enough money to pay someone to do these things.

He has a history of being verbally abusive towards his girlfriend. He has called her a bitch and made her cry on several occasions. He makes her the butt of his mean jokes. Once at a family gathering he accelerated his car at her "as a joke", leaving her in tears. I tell DH to pull him up on it but he gets defensive, lies and minimises.

BIL today has called DH to claim that everything is okay now. DH previously agreed with me that BIL is clearly abusive and needs to be held accountable but today it seems like everything is back to normal. No one in the family wants to challenge BIL. I am furious and don't want anything to do with him.

If I cut him off completely it means I'm cutting off other in laws. I have a baby so it's not feasible. I have already decided I don't want him in my house. How do I deal with being around him in a way that doesn't feel like I'm condoning his shit behaviour?

I am so so angry.

I personally think you just ignore the abusive prick.
But..... you should contact your future SIL.
She needs to know that this family will still support her and baby if she wants to leave BIL.
Let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk.
Give her the number for the your local Womens Aid.
Tell her to do the Freedom Programme before baby comes along.
She needs to know his behaviour is not acceptable and that it is OK to do what is best for herself and baby and leave an abuser!
Give her some comfort in knowing she won't need to raise the baby totally alone of she wants to escape from her abusive partner.
And mean it!

First of all, please reach out to his fiancee. Do this privately and ask her if she is OK. Do not let BIL know.

She may be feeling horribly trapped and for god's sake don't encourage her to marry what sounds like a vile man. Offer her safe harbour and a safe place to talk. Or even just a shoulder to cry on for now.

Agree that it's your DH (and his other brother's place) to talk to your BIL. What do his parents think about it?

Well this is familiar, I have a very similar BIL it has taken 10 years for dh’s Family to understand why I don’t want my dc round him.

Unfortunately sil has denied any problems although had periodically asked for help. It’s a very difficult situation

Good idea I will reach out to her. I suspect he has done worse or will do worse but she's so desperate to get married to him I don't think she will leave. He has her under his control. My PIL don't know. I think they will try to ignore it. They are the kind of family that will brush it all under the carpet and pretend it's normal. I don't want my children to be a part of that.

Agree with contacting his fiancé, please do that above all else. As for the rest I have no idea whether it's the right thing to do but I would not be able to keep quiet and let the rest of the family brush this under the carpet. I would be raising it at every opportunity with all concerned (except BIL obviously) and asking why on earth they're sitting back and allowing/condoning his behaviour.

DH and other BIL should be explaining to him in no uncertain terms how unacceptable his behaviour is and the whole family should be visibly supporting and protecting his fiancé. It shouldn't be down to you to have to shame them into doing the right thing but I'm afraid I wouldn't be above doing it in your shoes, they should be ashamed of allowing their family member to abuse his partner while they do nothing.