Going NC or LC but not sure about impact on children

[jillandhersprite]

So after a lot of soul searching and reading I think I am ready to go either no contact, or low contact or grey rock with my parents and brother. The big but is that so far they have only really ever been horrible to me not my kids. The kids have no idea that there is this big problem as they are still very young.
Can anyone else who has been in this position but with older kids or teenagers offer any advice?
My worries are that as they get older they will a) realise there's something weird going on with me and my family and b) that my family will be more than happy to cause chaos and disharmony because thats the kind of drama they thrive on and I want to get away from. e.g. you're not allowed that toy/clothes/whatever don't worry you can have it at this house, of course you can stay here as long as you want if your mum and dad are being so mean to you to not let you do what you want - that kind of thing.
I don't know what to do for the best - for my mental health I just don't want to deal with them anymore. But how do you do that if you have kids that will want to see their nanna and grandad?
Any advice from people that have been there? thankyou

My children have been NC with a set of grandparents since they were very young. I dealt with it by being honest about why from the start.
Sometimes they ask me about it and as they get older (about teenage now) I can explain a bit more, they understand.
If your family are being horrible to your children you have nothing to lose really. My children have never once asked to see their grandparents.

They are too toxic for you so they are too toxic for your DC.
They are already running rough-shod over your parenting and boundaries.
They are already undermining your parenting.
Don't allow your DC to be confused by these people.
No contact.
The only impact it will have on your DC is a positive one.
No more being poisoned against their own parents!!!!!

Thanks for the replies - they are currently very nice to the kids but it just looks like normal grandparents spoiling them.
The reason I want to get away is that they show obvious favouritism to my brother, and whenever anything is discussed either about behaviour now or in the past it gets made out that I am making things up - I understand from my reading on here its called gaslighting. The dynamic between us is fucked up. At the moment the children are too young to be being brought into it, but I have this fear that if they continue to be part of their lives while I am not - then through no fault of their own my kids will be brought into this fucked up dynamic.
I am scared because if I try to remove contact then there will be a massive shitstorm that I am using the kids in our own adult battle. But if I leave it then the kids will be drawn into the battle anyway as they get older... So do I have the shitstorm now to protect them in the future...
Arghhh... am so stressed and confused by the whole thing. Feel like packing up and buggering off to the other side of the world...

Ahhh... Your DBro was the golden child and you were the scapegoat.

I am NC for just over 18 months, 2 young DC. I had, still have, the same fears as you do. The overwhelming guilt of "denying" the children my entire side of the family ( as is the all too familiar case with dysfunctional families, extended family/friends have either taken my mothers side and discarded me, the rest are flying monkeys that I cannot trust to have any form of contact with ) and the worry that my children will hate me in the future for keeping them from their grandparents.
To the outside world my parents are upstanding members of the community, loving, caring and hard done by by their selfish, abusive daughter ( that would be me )
In reality my parents are psychological abusers that were ruining my life. They have left me with scars I doubt will ever fully heal. The pain is indescribable and is something I deal with daily.
There is no way I will ever risk subjecting my beautiful, innocent children to their dysfunction. I will be the shield between them for as long as I need to be and it does mean I take a constant battering ( from society that doesn't understand my NC and tries to guilt me into "making peace" with my family, from repeated contact attempts by my parents, from myself questioning if maybe I am just too sensitive and it is all in my head. A lifetime of gaslighting will do that to you! )
But the way I see it is, if I allow contact between my children and my abusive parents I guarantee they will be damaged in some way. My mum in particular would HAVE to turn my children against me, it's what she does. She's bloody good at it to she's done it to the majority of my family and I cannot step foot in my home town as my name is mud there due to her smearing! By keeping them away there is a strong chance they will enjoy happy childhoods. With a happy mum. I am showing them that it is never ok to accept abuse/bullying regardless of who is dishing it out, family or not and that we do not tolerate people like that. I have endured a lifetime of being bullied/disrespected/used/taken advantage of by family/friends/partners/work colleagues all due to my upbringing and conditioning to believe I deserved it. It is my life's purpose to raise healthy, happy, secure and confident children that will never experience trauma like I have. To give them a safe upbringing that I should have had.
I am dreading the day my DC ask why mummy doesn't have any family, I'll admit that. But the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.
If you do choose to go NC it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and is a very lonely journey that most wont understand. It's also incredibly brave. Good luck.

Thanks for sharing Harmony. It sounds familiar but maybe not quite as bad in our situation. In a horrible way if it was as bad as yours I would probably not feel any hesitation as it sounds awful for you and I'm sure you are doing the right thing.
I'm just fed up of the constant put downs, the criticism, the disapproval and general negativity. When I push back it's not acknowledged and I'm told I'm making it up or getting emotional over trivial things and that I'm too sensitive. It makes me sick and when the phone goes or door knocks there is this dread that it's one of them.
Can I reduce the contact and allow them to have a relationship with the kids in the hope that they won't have that much of an influence because it's not that regular and maybe they won't screw up the kids. Or will they take a perverse pleasure in undermining me as the kids get older and naturally push boundaries with us their parents... I don't trust them so should I just burn the bridges once and for all... Or for now just muddle along and let my mental health deteriorate so the kids can have fun with their grandparents/uncle...

Am in similar situation. I'm NC with parent I also live in another country which helps !
But we have been letting GP over twice a year to visit GS but fully supervised by DH . However this is too much abd I want to break all contact as so worried the effect GP will have on him as he gets older .
But I'm so scared she will try to apply for a access from the court which you can do where I live . I don't know what to do .
I couldnt imagine GP being allowed to see him more or on own as by what I read grandparents are favoured here . Even though if I told them what GP was like I would hope they realise how abusive GP is . But as pp gp is v good and pretending they are wonderful and everything is my fault
If I didn't have this fear there is no way I would let her have any contact as had caused so much damage to me

Only you can decide what level of contact you can live with OP. I imagine in the short term LC will be easier. You will need to be strict with your boundaries and educate your children ( when old enough ) about manipulative behaviours and hope your parents don't drip feed poison into their unsuspecting ears. Kids can't comprehend lovely Granny & Grandad would ever do or say anything to hurt them, so will most likely believe everything they are told by them.
However, you run the risk of breaking your children's hearts in the future if you allow a bond to grow and then decide to go NC. If your parents are being good to them they won't understand why all of a sudden mummy is saying they can't see them anymore. Have you considered that your parents may also favour one of your children over the other, as they do with you and your brother? These behaviours are passed down through generations and I couldn't face that happening to my children.

Dear OP, massive sympathies from me.
I was you 2 years ago and went NC with my mother after she tried her best to ruin my wedding and refused to accept her second grandchild (much longed for and many rounds of IVF). My first daughter asks after her regularly and I am explaining as well as I can, in her words, why we cannot see Nanny any more. We talk about how we in our family are nice to one another and will always say good things/say sorry to one another. I totally get the undermining part as my mother already started to say "don't listen to mummy Nanny will get/let you/buy it for you". The worst one was still that she would love to say how a bad mum I was and how sorry she felt for my daughter all the while I was in the grips of PND/hormones/ivf.
Two years on, our family life is calmer, more harmonic and on my part much happier. The guilt is enormous sometimes but on a whole I certainly feel that I am better mum as I am not racked with self esteem issues and negative comments on a daily basis. A lot of my issues seems to stem from this toxic relationship. Both my daughters will never mirror this or see their mum being treated in an appaling manner, this is my consolation. But I cannot lie, it has not been easy.
Only you can know how bad this affects you, only you can try to imagine how a NC or LC will affect your future family life. Best of luck for the future OP