Anyone else here been in a relationship with a sociopath or narcissist?

[chakra2]

My ex/father of my baby is a sociopath. I'm thankful to be out of the relationship (he actually discarded me and replaced me 10 days later with a new victim) and I am in therapy and making great progress. But I still feel a bit wobbly and scared. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to tell my child about her father once she is old enough to ask. As well as being sociopathic he seemed to be psychotic much of the time and described my child with him as "an unwanted demon."
Would be great to hear from others who've got through this sort of experience.

I was. And it's horrible. No one seems to get what it's like and I have had to face a lot of blame from my family. I feel very alone with the aftermath and some days I don't want to get out of bed. He was not my first narcissist relationship, so I get why family is blaming me. I feel for you. Its horrible. I am reading up about it but I can honestly say for me, life is not going to get better. I have lost all hope of ever being believed by my family and that is what I am finding the hardest. Sorry for the self pity. I am sure someone will come along with advise as I have only just started my journey of healing.

Hi @lightinthedark

So sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you. Since you've had more than one narc relationship, is it possible your parents or someone in your family is a narc? I invested in survivor coaching from a narc abuse specialist and it was really helpful. Through my sessions with her I began to see that the relationship with the sociopath really mirrored the way my parents treated me in so many ways. I'd accepted his bs because it felt so familiar. Now that i understand the pattern, I've broken the pattern.

Yes my mum is. I have had concelling but it ended a week ago. I am reading a lot about it.

Was just going to post the same thing about - having it in the family means you sometimes go on to date them ect... so its not that your family don't believe you lightinthedark it's just that they are cut from the same cloth as your ex. Your mum wants you to feel disbelieved and the rest of them know that is what she wants, so they dance to her tune to keep her happy.

I was for 7 years. My children are only young but when they are old enough i will explain to them what he is like.

I feel i am lucky though as the courts ordered no contact between him and the children, what he did to me was in the local newspaper and i have a lot of evidence so i wont really have to say much, i can just show them.

I dont mean id show them the "evidence" i have, due to years of being gas lit i used to keep our text conversations so i could tell reality from his lies and now im out of it all if i read the messagss im appauled at the things he came out with.

I keep it all because i have to keep extending the no contact order as it has an expiry date and this evidence massively helps show what a physcopath he is

@ConfusedStressed

Glad you've got a No Contact order.
I had a non-mol order but it's expired now and he's no longer contacting me so I didn't apply for a new one.

After discarding me while I was preggers, he found some random person overseas and married her the 4th time he met her. All so weird. The bride began sending me really weird emails until I blocked her.

The sociopath's family said he's brought "dishonour" to their family and they refuse to associate with him anymore, didn't attend his wedding or acknowledge his new wife etc.

The entire setup is weird as hell.

Chakra2, just waiting for the twist to be that actually he never married, he made it all up. And that the 'dad' w and the new wife messaging you, were him too, pretending. And he's still watching you jaws music lol. Wouldn't put it past a sociopath lol.

Sounds like you are pretty clued up now though so think you would have cottoned on if he was up to that.

He definitely did marry this poor girl and it was her doing the messaging him.
I've no idea whether he is watching me. He was really repelled by the fact I have a career and am educated -- that's not what he likes in a woman at all. So I think he pretty much pretends me and his child don't exist

Probably the best outcome. As long as he doesn't try to get back in touch a few years down the line when he is at the devalue stage with the wife. Using wanting contact with your child as an excuse.

I assume he doesn't pay child support? If so, if I were you I'd move bloody far away and hope he never finds me.

Am related to one. Have done a lot of reading and had a few, 'light bulb' moments. I've watched on-line presentations too. Sometimes, when the examples of their vocabulary is verbatim, what I've listened to from the narc has been chilling/revealing.

I basically did the equivalent of my own personal college course on it via Google ! I could have gone on and on but when I got the gist of it I thought, 'ah hah.'

I've still got of questions though. When I found out about narcissistic hoovering, so called because they suck you back in. I wonder what's going on in the narc's mind whilst the hoovering is going on ? Do they hoover for as long as it takes ? Are there several types of hoovering ?

Nice hoovering such as charm, giving gifts, nostalgia i.e. remember the time when....etc. Or bossy hoovering i.e. look I've had enough of your...…or guilt tripping you etc etc.

Two things I remember that made me laugh during my, 'studies' of narcistic traits. 1. Write a letter to your narc, stand over their grave and read it. Then you will know why they are ignoring you.

1. I want my closure parts one and two.

Also, you can never win with a narcist. If you come across one it's like you would shout to the subjects of a horror movie, 'RUN.'

I've got a question for my narc. I'll never ask it as I wouldn't have the nerve or get the truth but were all the stories you've told me over the years bullshit ? Was that you creating drama to divert attention from your wrong doing and wanting sympathy to boot ?

I've got no way of corroborating your stories and I kind of wouldn't have the nerve anyway. Just in case any of them are true.

I also learned during my, 'studies of the condition' that narcissists don't bond. People are just objects to them. They crave and feed off attention. They don't care whether they are loved and worshipped or hated and vilified. It's all attention which they need like it was oxygen.

I couldn't get my head around why the narc I know is so babyish. It's because narcs don't grow up. It's part of the condition to have the emotional needs of a two year old.

I couldn't get my head around why my narc had to be best buddies with so many randoms. Or regularly changed their place of worship. Attended yet another hobby group. Was obsessed with ex-colleagues. Endless social media accounts. It's all just another audience.

It kills me that no doubt people think this person is 'so lovely' but that, unfortunately is how narcs operate.

Like I say. I've learned a lot.

My dd was in a relationship with a sociopath. He was pure evil. I believe he was born evil.

^ I couldn't get my head around why the narc I know is so babyish. It's because narcs don't grow up. It's part of the condition to have the emotional needs of a two year old.

I couldn't get my head around why my narc had to be best buddies with so many randoms. Or regularly changed their place of worship. Attended yet another hobby group. Was obsessed with ex-colleagues. Endless social media accounts. It's all just another audience. ^

This.

Mine had a second job as a musician and singer, and he did every job he could - he hated doing the same songs with the same band but he needed the audience. Had to have that affirmation. His long Facebook post about the beloved family dog that he never looked at/touched or walked once - it was another vehicle to get sympathy, communication from his adoring fan base. His events for charity - he didn’t care about charities, he just wanted to post long rambling Facebook posts for people to tell him what a great person he was. Awful awful human.

I was married to one for 28 years. My parents both had narc traits and they enabled each other, so I assumed being treated like shit was normal. All the things PP's have said; constantly needing an audience, using Facebook for PR (look at me running the marathon for children with cancer!) He hasn't changed and he won't. We had been divorced for less than a year and he'd love-bombed Schmoopy, moved into her house, got engaged and married. I'm still dealing with the grief I'm carrying for the life I thought I had. He can't bear to be alone because he can't meet his own eyes in the mirror. If he hasn't had direct experience of something, it doesn't exist. He actually can't understand why he isn't worshipped as a god by his children and feels entitled to grope/make passes at any woman who has the misfortune to come into contact with him. While we were married these included my sister and my best friend. He doesn't know I know about my sister, but when I found out about my best friend he had a big teenage angst-ridden sulk and said it was because she and I were close and he felt left out. I'm going to leave it there. He's had enough of my head-space.

I was married to a textbook narcissist for 18 years. He was enmeshed to his even bigger narcissistic mother.
I was emotionally, physically and psychologically abused and financially controlled by him.

He is the life and soul of the party and will do anything infront of an audience, but as soon as he was at home he was angry, aggressive and spiteful to me and the children.
Sadly my children saw too much and both of them defended me over the years, I have apologised to them for being a shit mother.

He lied pathologically about everything. He argued about everything....it was his way or the highway.
He was cheating on me through our the marriage. I was a strong, independent working woman before i met him. I became codependent and a shell of my former self.

I am now trying to heal myself, but I literally want to jump on a plane and start again.
He broke me down and I have been diagnosed with Alopecia and M.E and other autoimmune diseases after putting up with 18 years of abuse.
I did the freedom programme and had counselling with Safer Places/ Women's Aid last year, it is highly recommended.

I did try to leave him earlier in the marriage , but my daughter has a kidney disease and was in and out of hospital and needed stability.

He is with his new supply, but he Hoover's me continuously. I don't respond to him.He is bored of her now, but he was bored of me.
It was 4 years ago that i walked out on him and he relentlessly Hoover's. Once the Court stuff is done, he will be deleted out of my life.
Our 2 teenage children hate him. He thinks i poisoned them against him...... I've told him , that he did that himself.

I was brought up with Narc parents who are codependent, so all the abuse was normal. It was all toxically familiar. I've gone NC with my family too.

I wish I knew all this year's ago!
If you spot a narc/sociopath/psychopath and the red flags start popping up,run a million miles and don't look back!

He is with his new supply, but he Hoover's me continuously.

Do narcissists come over as giggly and silly when they are hoovering ? Almost as if they were high ?

I guess they will do whatever it takes during the hoovering phase. They need to reinstate a former supply.

Certainly seen some of them act 'high' during love bombing (not all narcissists love bomb though) so wouldn't be particularly surprised to see it in hoovering too.