Tired of being the hired help

[aloneinthenight]

I feel like I've reached breaking point.

Things weren't great between me and my husband at the beginning of the year but we were working through it.

However in the summer DS1 was diagnosed with a serious illness. This has been incredibly stressful and we are managing. DH has continued to work whilst my work (I'm self-employed) has taken a back step while I care for DS. I'm still trying to keep my business going however.

Everyone is being horrid. I feel like I have to look after DS1 (he's 13) but he is also still a teenager who now expects me to wait on him hand and foot. And keep on top of his medical appointments, medication, general health and just all round parental worry.

DS2 (11) is naturally feeling left out so sort of demanding the same treatment and generally being quite mouthy.

And then there's DH, who just keeps shouting at me about the mess, and expecting me to run around after him too whilst doing nothing to help. I've always taken care of all the house admin, organisation, diary management - everything really, and it feels like the workload and stress level has tripled.

And yet he still acts as if I can bring in my full salary as well.

I don't know what to do. I can't just go on strike, or not look after everyone. I just want someone to be kind to me, or maybe ask if I'm OK.

I'm sorry you have yet got any response here. That sounds like a truly shit situation but it's one your husband should be at least an equal partner in. The kids response can be partly excused but only partly. I suspect they are taking cues from your bastard husband and they need to be brought into line as much as he does.
I'm not sure what discussions you've had with him but you need some icy cold dose of reality talks about what you are doing and what he has to do. He's used to just shouting at you and you getting upset, presumably? I think you need to find a way of leaving the three of them alone for a weekend? It would be good for you and might make them realise how important you are. One way or another they need a serious wake up call. You can't carry on like this.
You have my sympathies. Is there anyone in real life you can open up to?

Is there an old friend or a family member who lives over a 150 miles you can go and visit for a weekend? As a PP said just leaving them all to it for a few days will make them realise they can't treat you like crap. The 150 miles means you can't just pop back when something goes wrong or they can't find something.

Also if possible can you got to marriage counselling with your husband? He needs to realise he is an adult so should clean up after himself as you need your sons to start pulling their weight. They won't if they don't see their father doing it regardless of how ill your eldest son is/has been.

You tell your fuckwit lazy DH to fucking step up - that's what you do.
You tell him exactly what you have told us and you tell him if he doesn't step up then you will have a breakdown and EVERYTHING will down to him anyway.
He either helps out properly and gives you the odd half hour to wind down and you are going to end up in hospital and HE will be looking after everyone - Including you.

Do you have any family support around you at all?
I'd honestly be off this weekend, if he doesn't work weekends.
I'd leave and tell him to get on with everything and you'll be back on Monday to see how clean the house is. If the washing is done. If the boys have had good hearty, home cooked, healthy meals, etc.... Then leave him to it!

I do need to talk to him.

It has been a really stressful time and I think my coping mechanism is to over function, and his is to take his hands off the wheel entirely.

I don't really feel like I can go away and leave DS at the moment, but I do need to plan it in maybe. I'm not sure I would find it terribly relaxing.

But you're absolutely right, my sons take their lead from him, so he needs to up his game a bit. It's more in tone of voice than actual activity. He does do stuff but more like a 'sometimes helpful child' than an actual partner.

Then TELL him. You sound beaten down but you have perspective. Spell it out, how serious it is, it's not just 'nagging' (yuck) it's you at breaking point and he has to do something about it. It doesn't have to be relaxing for you to go away, it has to be a drastic action, a shaking up. It will be relaxing though, or at least a breath of fresh air. Plan it, do it, follow through on everything you say. You can do it. You must do it, you deserve it.

Sorry to hear about your DS being ill.

I think you need to sit everyone down together and get them all to pitch in more (can DS1 do anything like wiping up or putting dishes away? Also remind him that being ill doesn't give him the right to act like a brat.)

DS2 is old enough to be helping out too.

And your DH needs a massive boot up the arse. He's dumping EVERYTHING on your shoulders and that's not fair.

Hello yes just tell him. I feel stressed with my DS and DP where I seem to be endlessly busy running the house whilst working and I have nothing like your health worries with your DS. Tell him how you feel and work out what he can do to help more

You seem to have come to the right conclusion OP so no advice from me, just support and good luck vibes.