Texting styles, how many days of nothing are you comfortable with

[sofato5miles]

New to dating here after 17 years married and am 45.

1st guy texted me all day every day. 41 years old found it odd to begin with but soon got used to it and liked it. We broke up over a non negotiable for me after a few months.

New potential: he is not a chatter! One and one, incredible. Apart, very odd. Odds are stacked against us due to geographical distance but we both wanted to try. We've agreed a weekend away in 3 weeks.

Now I KNOW he fancies me. I know he has a busy life. But nothing for three days. Do I say anything or just wait it out. He thinks I am confident and very independent. We agreed 3 nights away on our own to suss out if it is worth going for. So I am just feeling insecure and doing my own future faking?

I don't want to be a dick!

Would you send a text to break the silence?

I wouldn’t be going away for 3 nights with a bloke I barely know.

Texting is irrelevant- it is a game and you really don’t get to know a person by texting. You could be texting someone on death row and not know.

I take your point, but he's a great friend of a good friend of mine and we have already spent a weekend together. We all went away for a our mutual friend's birthday and got together the first night. All mutual friends were delighted.

OP. In the nicest possible way, you néed to calm down.

Getting over invested in any dates at this stage is a route to messing with your mental health.

Honestly, you're both busy, you're both used to being single, once every 3 days is actually OK, at this stage. Id be more worried at the serial texter. You're both adults, surely they have other things in their lives?

If you want to text, text. Don't wait for him to do it. Just say you were thinking about him and hope he's having a nice day or something. Nothing that forces a conversation, but just lets him know you're still about.

Thanks @treacleroots that is what I needed to hear. I just wanted to gain a sense of perspective. Had a weird dream about it.

I shall wait it out and continue with my normal life

OP I did lots of OLD before I met my current DP.

Most times texting vs the actual reality of the meeting up with the guy resulted in a huge disappointment for me. Although it appeared we had some sort of connection via messaging it was extremely apparent to me that I just didn't fancy him & I just wanted to get the hell outta there when we first met up. This happened most of not all of the times ( except for 2 dates )

Agreeing to go away with a man whom you've never actually met in person is a big mistake in my eyes. You could spend the whole time cringing and planning your escape.

There really was nothing worse for me, sat there with date, guy was trying really hard to wow me & chat etc & there was a huge pit of 'nooooooo' in my stomach & I just couldn't wait to escape.

Do video calls, meet up for coffee first.

Do not be that person that gets you in this tangle because it really is an awkward horrible situation to be in.

I vividly remember how excited they were to meet & how they were trying their hardest to woo me whilst all along I was sat there & just couldn't wait to get away as I just didn't like him/them in that way

polly She's already met him

@RaymontStopThat

Yeah I figured OP gave that update whilst I was writing my response.

Slightly annoying when further facts are presented later on when you take the effort to respond & try to help

I apologise! Didn't meant to drip feed, but also didn't want to write an epic OP and sound like a gushing idiot

It was the texting issue I thought I was interested in but the responses have made me realise I am probably investing too much for this stage. Bloody endorphins.

Anyway, just texted my mate and she said if he doesn't get in touch to go to them. They live in europe so that is fantastic plan b.

Also, I did say that one on one we were great. Sorry if that wasn't clear that we met. I did appreciate your answer @pollypocket952 and will keep that advice on board if OLD comes next

Nothing for three days - this would be me in the dating game. I wouldn’t text unless there was a need to. Chatty, inane ‘just because’ texts are something you do with someone you know intimately I think. Frequent texts to and from a new date/potential seem unnecessary to me. Texts for the sake of it, trying to force a dynamic that simply doesn’t exist yet...no thanks. Not for me.

I only text when I need to and don’t like getting lots of texts. Shock horror, I might not even reply till the next day!

Ok OP let's start again

I second what @pictish has just said.

Too much messaging early days can sometimes be seen as a bit forced & needy from whichever party is doing so.

He is playing it cool 😎 OP.... play it cool 😎 back : )

😎 advice noted 😄

Just keep dating and not worry about it. You've spent one weekend together. He's still a stranger to you even if your friend knows him. Your friend doesn't know them in a relationship. You hear far too many stories about house devils, street angels. The 1st guy who texted all day every day, sounds like he didn't have much to do all day except text.

Hmm, I had one of these, and to be honest the whole not texting for a few days ended up feeling like he just wasn’t that arsed about me.

I think tbh if geographical distance is against you, if he isn't a texter or caller it's not really going to work is it?

You'll just meet up for a weekend every few weeks and then forget about each other

I'm not one for texting all day everyday but I think a message a day just to keep in touch with someone you are going away with is fair enough

I still think you should go on the weekend and see how it goes, it's early days and he probably doesn't want to come across too keen at this stage. Send him a text if you want now but I'd just want to bear it in mind

He’s not bothering you with daily texts because he likes you but is not that invested yet - so you’d be wise to disengage the future fantasising (tough in practice as we all know!). See how it goes when you meet up. But do reserve some mental and emotional energy for self protection here.

A lot of different advice but since I've got back into dating. I've found people have different styles and neither have suggested they weren't interested or been too much.

The only thing I would ever take note is if they suddenly change how they text etc if they go from texting every day to hardly hearing from them. But over a period of time.

But the best thing I've learnt is to just go with what feels right for you. Dont play power games or any games, but also don't get over invested and do that by keeping busy with your own life.

That way whatever the outcome you know you were true to yourself.

Yep, interested but not invested is the right vibe. In his mind he told me to block the dates in my diary and I reckon that's where he has parked it. He also added me to social media which makes me feel 15.

If we do go away, a lot will be understood and said about potential. Until then, I will pretend it isn't happening.

He is definitely a softie though. A nicer person than me when we have chatted

Ps serial texter is a regional director of a massive global company and a podium triathlete, his texting rate baffled me. But does show if you are that way inclined a text takes seconds he was also obsessive

@lifegoes yes, being true to yourself is important. No way would a LDR work for me with this level and, if one develops, I will definitely need and express that. No point for me otherwise.

Am I right in thinking you’ve not been on one date together? You’ve met once, slept together and now communicating virtually?

If so - to go away for 3 nights?? Bloody hell, no! You’ve spent one night together and then been sporadic messaging. 3 nights together is surely a tad.... OTT

You’re doing the right thing. Calm down, look no further ahead than the next date and enjoy.

The daily texting bore, would’ve done my head in. Inane text prattle like “how are you?” and the like, bores the tits off of me

So, he called. We live a 6 hour flight away from each other. However, I have a life that really most people don't have, as does he. I travel internationally for a week most months. (Even for my friends, it's hard to understand).

Anyway, he likes me. But I cannot move to where he lives, even if I was delirious enough to want to, for a couple of years. He says that "if it goes boom and we want more, do we both suffer a year of naughty weekends, not willing to make the huge sacrifices to make it work".

So I am going to go to our mutual friends for 5 days and he may/ may not come for a couple of nights.

C'est la vie. 🤷‍♀️

But, it has shown me that chemistry does exist, even as a wizened 45 year old. My marriage was sexless for a decade, so it gives me hope!

Honestly, why you would even entertain ‘dating’ someone a six hour flight away is beyond me.