Advise needed

[Justcallmesarah]

Hello all, I'm looking for some advice my new boyfriend of 9 months I've recently found out has got severe depression. up until a couple of months ago everything was going great we were making loads of plans for the future and planning to move in together after around the 1 year mark.
I've been supporting him as best I can but he has no asked for some space which I've respected and I've moved my stuff out of his apartment.
Fashion itself has been a bit confusing of until a couple of months ago he wanted to me to move in as soon as possible I was the one insisting that was too soon and we should wait at least a year.
This was approximately 2 weeks ago so not that long but I'm starting to feel like if I stay in this relationship his needs will always come first. he plays a lot of golf which is like he's therapy and I would never take that away from him or try to, but his commitment to it dominates the weekends we have together as it's very early on a Saturday morning or very early on a Sunday morning which means Friday night or Saturday night he doesn't really want to go out for a few drinks. I still think going out and having fun is an important part of the stage in the relationship. Then there's football every Saturday at 3 p.m. which he doesn't want to miss so thats Saturday pretty much out the window. What has triggered this post is that tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment as I've got degenerative disc disease in my back and I've asked him to come to the appointment but he says he's got golf in the morning but hopes my appointment goes well. Feeling very insecure about things at the moment and would like some advice if any one has anything to offer 🤞

I've been with my DH for 17 years. He has suffered from mental health problems for most of that...on and off. But OP....I advise you to get out now.

I don't regret my relationship with DH and love him deeply...we have beautiful children together but it has at times be incredibly hard.

Having a family with someone like this is even more challenging than it is ordinarily...and living together, sharing lives....well, it would be easier if DH wasn't sometimes depressed.

Leave.

Thanks for your response.

I feel it's really just difficult decision to make. When he is not down it has been amazing and he is the funniest guy ever to be around but the lack of stability and not being able to rely on him from a medical point of support, that's been like a kick in the stomach. He has also now quit his part-time teaching job because he feels it's too much for him. he has said because we don't live together I have bills to pay together that it is his decision and his decision alone to make again I've been hurt that he made that decision on his own and I've been an afterthought. Possibly I have a dated view on these things but what for me once you've entered into a commited relationship you make those kind of decisions together🤷 Am I being too sensitive about this? The sports, the job and DRs appointment?

He shouldn't prioritise golf over you if it's something serious such as a medical appointment. Ok, he finds golf make him feel good, but it won't kill him to miss it now and again for something like that. His depression is ipretty much irrelevant to that IMO- he should put something in to the relationship.

Ok so you have fun etc, but if he doesn't also help you with tangible emotional support to face difficult situations with you, he's kind of a fairweather boyfriend.

I think you have to accept that this is the way he is and he manages his depression the way he wants to; you can’t make him better or change him.
Therefore you have to decide if this is the way you want to live and this is what you want your future to look like.

Your needs will always come second and if golf is this important for his MH, it always will be, even when you have a family.

Being the partner of someone with MH issues requires incredible inner strength and stoicism that I am not sure everyone has, I certainly don't.

MH/depression issues aside, he sounds very selfish and it's all about what he wants.... the golf/football over spending time with you, refusing to attend an appointment with you but expecting you to support him. Wanting you to move, then asking you to give him space....

It's all HIM, HIM, HIM.

What about you and what you want?

Personally, i'd end it and move on. And that's before we even get to the depression. You can't fix him; please take control of this and end it. You will never come first in his life; he always will. You deserve much better.

It sounds like he’s trying to do everything to get you to break up with him. If he doesn’t want to spend Friday Saturday night with you there is someone else, or he is at minimum not committed to a future with you. He asked you to move out & you are still chasing him & focusing on him. I would advise cutting contact & moving on. This guy isn’t the one for you

He's a selfish and self centred if he spends his weekends playing golf, preparing to play golf or watching football rather than wanting to spend time with you. This is NOT the sign of a good relationship at any point but especially not in the first year. Get out now while you can m

Thank you for all your responses and views. The key thing I'm getting is that this is not going to go anywhere. I just don't want to be the one to walk away from someone who needs help and support.

I am currently trying to weigh up my self worth and supporting him when his suicidal on occasions. His parents ask me to stick with him and he needs my support and that he cares for me so much. I think I know what needs to be done but will feel guilty don't want to walk away just because he is having a low moment as I do love him and up until the last MTH or so it's been great. He is on new medication and the crisis team are supporting him regularly so I just hoping things will settle down and we can get back to how it was to a degree.

But as somebody said it's me that needs to make this decision as he is who he is, just confusing as the person I met and the person I'm currently with seem to be two different people 🤷🤦😭

He is asked me not to discuss his mental issues with any of my friends because he's embarrassed so I guess I'm just needing a little bit of support hence why I have come to you guys and thank you for that.

It's great the hear that he is getting proper support and help for his MH. Issues.

But again, let's not forget that you need support too. And again, him denying you this from your friends because of his 'embarrassment' just says more about his selfishness that his feelings for you.

It really seems to be a one-way relationship; with you supporting him and his parents emotionally blackmailing you too! That's awful. I'm not surprised you feel all over the place.

Mumsnet is a great resource for support but it can't beat some real-life help when the going gets tough.

You are not responsible for his mental health. And you cannot fix him. Yes, of course you can support him, but not at the detriment of your own mental health (and emotional help) and that's what it's starting to sound like.

Should have read: emotional health

As he has asked you to move out, I would leave it there and start to distance yourself. I am sad you have been blackmailed by his parents to stick around. Depression is real and is a difficult thing to deal with not only for the person with it but for those around them. If you are willing to care for him, become second to himself and his illness and move out and back in when he is well or unwell will be totally up to you. He won't change his golf/football/sports as this gives him some relief from the depression. The ball, I am afraid, is in your court. The life you live now will probably not be any different from now on. So sorry.

Your bf sounds selfish. If he understands how important you are in his life and how important your support is for his MH, how come he doesn’t see how important his support would be to you? There are plenty of mums who complain about their spouses playing golf at the weekend and not giving them a bit of time to themselves after having looked after the kids all week long. Some of them go through important surgeries by themselves because the husbands choose to go to work. Would you want to be one of them?

In his eyes the honey moon period is probably over,and it’s more convenient if you lived with him so he wouldn’t need to put in more effort.

If he needs the space, give it to him, but do not try to make your plans at the weekends to accommodate his golf and football. Even if he had no MH issues, would you not be bothered about the times he chooses to play golf or watch football?

I say give him the space but carry on with your life, and do not let yourself emotionally blackmailed by his parents either. When he will realise you are not there for him all the time he then might want to change his golf times so you two could spend more time together.

I have no advice though on how to live with the guilt if you left. Just think you’re putting yourself first, just like he is. There is no harm in that.

He is utterly selfish and couldn't give a damn about your most basic needs. I'd get out now while you still can.
Depression does not mean you have to be selfish 24/7.

I suffer from chronic depression but the situation you describe with the golf and the Saturday football doesn't sound like depression. It sounds like selfishness. And of a particularly male type.

How many women are in relationships with men who devote the majority of every weekend to their hobbies? The answer is far too many, and if I were you I'd break it off. You're not his top priority, simple as. Can you imagine having a baby with this man? It'd be like being a single parent.

Thank you all for your advice. I've got family visiting for my birthday in a couple of weeks so just need to decide if I do it before they come and try pull my self together for the visit or stick with it until after they visit and put on a happy face 🤦

His parents ask me to stick with him and he needs my support and that he cares for me so much

That is awful that they are putting you under that kind of pressure OP, and if they say that again ask them directly how that is going to work when their son is asking you to leave? He is getting support from services that specialise in supporting people with his needs, you have your own health worries and need support too, so where is that coming from, because it is clear that this man will not be a supportive partner.

Depression is awful, I have been a lifelong depression survivor and the first thing I learned was that I had to be responsible for myself, the things I do when well are what will stop me from sinking when I am not well. The second thing I learned was that depression was no excuse for being selfish, and this man sounds selfish. I think you should move on and focus on yourself, good luck with your medical appointment. i hope all goes well for you.