How do I sort this shit out? Desperate.

[Cupcakewithsprinkles]

I feel like I’m stuck in a really awful rut and I’ve been sinking deeper into it for the last 2-3 years. My worst issues at the moment are the loss of identity due to becoming a parent, loneliness, and low self esteem. The combination is truly crippling me and I feel like life is slowly rotting me away. I desperately need to get out of this rut somehow, but I really don’t know how!

I don’t feel I’ve handled the transition to motherhood well at all. My ex turned out to be really awful, and although he has contact with DC he takes on none of the financial, mental, or emotional load of being a parent. Dodged CMS by working self employed. I have an extra two stone of weight, and my boobs are both totally flat and very saggy from breastfeeding. If I could afford it I’d get implants, I can’t even think of dating because I’m so insecure about my appearance.

Everything which made me happy in life has gone - my social life, having fun and freedom, and being able to work and study. I have no childcare, social life has fizzled away because I’ve turned down invites so many times, I’m in my twenties and all of my old friends are still really enjoying life and having fun all the time. I can’t afford to quit my poorly paid work to train or study for something more fulfilling.

Sorry for the whinging, self absorbed post. I’m so exhausted with waiting for the day where things feel a bit better, which doesn’t seem to be coming.

Have you been to see your gp ?

Of course things will get better. The first two or three years are always the worst, then the sunlight comes back into your life. It's just a case of being patient, taking advantage of any help that's offered, and enjoying all the progress your DC makes.
You're still young and you've got all your life in front of you.

Yes @sparkly40 I’ve had CBT previously for low mood but it had no effect at all as my thought process isn’t at fault, it’s just my life which is directly making me unhappy. On the handful of occasions I’ve had a day DC free where I can actually breathe, I’ve felt great and like a huge weight is lifted. No doubt if I had a good support network I would not feel how I do, it’s the overwhelming trapped feeling which is destroying me. Sadly the time I get a break is once or twice a year if I’m lucky.

Thanks @Singlenotsingle I hope things do improve, atm I just feel sad that except for the first few pre DC years, I’ve felt constantly unhappy

It sounds like you may be depressed. Have you looked into getting a part time job or going to uni to have something for yourself

Have you tried some baby groups a
Lot of new
Mothers struggle initially x

That's right advise OP to shove drugs down her, that always helps

Sometimes it's ok to feel unhappy, bored, lonely, hate your body because I have definitely been there a few times including baggy boobs.
I too was in this state at 21 and felt my life had ended but when my son went to school everything changed, I worked full time, had my boobs done and things improved dramatically.
It will get better and it won't be long. Keep working and dreaming and saving for that boob job.
My son is 37 now and I would not wish him away for the world xxxx

Its really really difficult but it does get better just hang in there.

Exercise can really help to lift your mood and get out - do you have a time you could go running or swimming with/or without your kids?

It pisses me off when people automatically chuck in the depression card. Especially when someone is finding parenthood difficult. The reality is, having children can suck, it’s hard, it’s thankless, it’s a life of drudgery and servitude. You lose out on sleep and opportunities.

That’s not depression, it’s reality!! More support is needed for those having a hard time with raising a child that doesn’t involve labelling them with mental illness!

my thought process isn’t at fault, it’s just my life which is directly making me unhappy

I beg to differ. The life you're living is one that you've created and, while you may choose to believe that it has somehow come upon you as if by a curse, or has manifested through bad choices which you now regret, there is no reason why you can't create a more fulfilling life for yourself starting NOW.

Use CBT to stop you dwelling on what you currently perceive to be the negative aspects of your life and turn your attention to bringing about small improvements until you are living the life you want for yourself and your dc.

Study online with the Open University or look for a job that has opportunity to acquire accreditation such as NVQs or other diplomas.

Join one of the slimming threads on this site, begin overhauling your diet and start exercising at home using a youtube guide. Two stone is not difficult to lose and if you start now you'll be at least a stone lighter by Christmas.

You may not be able to pump your boobs up to their former pert and perky glory, but they will look a lot firmer if your pectoral muscles are taut and toned.

You may not have your 'freedom' but that's no reason why you can't have fun. Join Gingerbread, look for free local activities that you and your dc can engage in, and start reaching out to other single mums in order to build a support network.

Google 'mindfulness' and let it work its magic for you. Start a gratitude journal and record those small miracles that you don't usually take note of but which, nevertheless, are still occurring daily.

At this time of year our vitamin d levels can easily diminish which can result in a low mood, loss of energy, feelings of hopelessness/exhaustion, or 'can't be arsedness' as i term it. Be sure to take a vitamin d supplement throughout the autumn/winter months and well into the spring.

Your future awaits - make it a good one.

Agree with sprinkle. It is the last taboo in women’s rights.

Like with PND, if you were a man had life changing injuries (or major surgery CS) prevented from sleeping for 6 months (or longer) were given a completely different body and then made someone scream at them they would call it torture and diagnose PTSD!

I think actually excepting it can help you think of ways to work round it. Small changes that can make a better difference. Which is why I suggested some form of free exercise to start with.

I think a lot of new parents have felt this way, or parents with pre school DC's.

Firstly, it's ok to be fed up. It doesn't make you a bad person, or depressed necessarily, it just makes you human and want a bit more out of life. What's lovely is you clearly are ambitious for more, and if you hone that ambition and direct it to achievable goals you can certainly improve your life now.

Remember when you had a newborn who was waking through the night and you were exhausted? I imagine you felt that this was life now and would it ever end?!! Yet it did, and this too shall pass and get easier.

@DonKeyshot gives some great advice, i second YouTube workouts for weight loss. Theres short ones on there that you can do straight after DC bedtime, or in nap time, or get up half an hour earlier, whatever works for your lifestyle. At 3 my youngest would watch TV for 30 mins while I did one when we got in the habit, or she would join in! Not as easy but fun. My fitness pal is great to ensure you are consuming less than you're burning and is free and would help.

Look for online free courses, or cheap ones, just to keep.your mind ticking over and self improve. When DC starts school if you can't increase your hours or don't feel qualified to get a better job consider volunteering. I did to gain experience and the people I volunteered with also used to offer lots of free training, including an nvq. Theres things out there which offer a lot.

That sounds awful. Can you explain what you mean by “loss of identity” after you became a mum? I don’t get that. Use childcare to have a night out once a month and catch up for coffee with friends in the weekends. That’s what most people who have kids do for a social life.

Oh dear sweetie we have all felt the same. You are not alone. You are doing better than you think.
1/ You need quality /quantity sleep. Have you relatives who could take the little chap for a few night s in a row? This will help you face the day and think straight.
2/ If you are not tired you will be able to cook healthier meals and you will eat less.
3/ Talk on line or to someone you feel comfortable. HOMESTART is a charity which provided help to people with children under 5. They are great.
Please dont beat yourself. We are all with you . you are not alone.

I second Homestart - it was them I volunteered with, not sure why I didnt recommend them!!!

I’m not sure you’re depressed, hard to say from not knowing you personally. I felt/feel a bit like this after my DS was born and I got SSRIs (because my DM kept going on at me) but they’ve not really helped and I’m pretty sure that’s because it’s not depression in the first place! Just adapting to new motherhood, especially as a single Mum like myself! You’re allowed to feel the way you feel and I hate that so many women are made to feel bad for it or like it’s an illness when I think it’s very common to feel like that, as a PP above said, in any other situation it would be considered a cause of PTSD!

Some lovely advice from DonKeyshot.

my thought process isn’t at fault, it’s just my life which is directly making me unhappy.

I think that phrase in itself is a sign that your thought process may benefit from some work, which may in turn improve your mood. You do sound quite depressed, and you’re blaming your life for how you feel, when in reality there are ways to challenge the perception that your feelings are a direct result of your circumstances and out of your control. You sound trapped in a cycle where your low mood is causing you to think very negatively and your negative thoughts are making everything seem very bleak and further making you miserable. I don’t mean this to sound glib, but sometimes it helps to look at things from a different perspective: you’re struggling with the demands of motherhood and the sacrifices it takes, but somebody who is unable to have kids and desperately wants them would likely give anything to be able to experience the challenges you are, from a different perspective you’ve been incredibly lucky to have chosen to have kids and been able to achieve that. It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, but sometimes it helps to acknowledge the blessings you’re overlooking, and CBT can help with that. Whenever I’m finding pregnancy difficult I remember that being in the position to even be experiencing morning sickness, backache etc. is a privileged one and one that many people would kill for. I’ve experienced severe depression myself and I know how hard it is to try and get out of it and recover, but you’re more likely to recover by proactively challenging the depressive thoughts that are ever present and problem solving to find ways to improve your situation than you are just giving up and telling yourself there’s nothing you can do because your life is making you miserable. There’s a lot you can change.

The lower you feel, the more compromised your ability to problem solve is, so you end up further jammed in a rut and unable to see the ways out that do exist (which is why I like the advice from DonKeyshot!). Again, therapy can help you to learn problem solving skills.

I wouldn’t give up on getting your mental health properly assessed and treated OP especially as you say other than a few years pre DC you’ve often been unhappy. Or you might believe you’re just a bit fed up, if that’s the case then you can just wait and see if it passes. But why not try everything you can to feel better?

Oh god, the early years are the worst. I totally felt like that when the were babies. The lowest point was when my youngest was under 3 because I was burnt out. My youngest is almost 6 now and it is SO MUCH BETTER. They go to school, I get time to myself, I'm back studying, I sleep, I have actual conversations. No really.

I don't really understand the previous posters. Did they not have little kids or did they forget? It's horrid. Maybe it just isn't for some ppl? I guess those are the ones that get heaps of support and time off. They are lucky. Not everyone is though, but I think you are almost past the worst.

Hi, it sounds like you have depression, post natal or in general.

Although other posters have said that SSRIs didn't work for them, there are dozens of meds and if one doesn't work then the person should keep going back until one is found that works. Eventually they usually do hit on one.

Also, there are of course other sorts of therapy than CBT. I've tried a few, but this time I'm having EMDR and it's really helpful to me.

You say you're not depressed it's just life, but life can make you depressed/down (which it has.)

I know it is easy to say and it is really difficult, I'm in the same position and it's easy not to get round to it lol, but if we want to change something in our lives, we have to get out there and work towards it- friends etc aren't going to just miraculously turn up at our doorsteps.

Find out what's going on near you, meetups etc, where you might make friends, and resolve to go along to it. I know that's easier said than done, but if we keep at it it will work.

Best wishes xxxxx

Have you contacted Gingerbread the charity for single parent families? You need perspective and a support group of people who understand what you are going through as a single parent.

Sorry for abandoning this thread for a few days. Been totally overwhelmed with life.

@DonKeyshot thank you for your advice. I’ve invested in a vitamin d supplement and I’m cooking healthy meals from scratch and generally trying to be more healthy. I know you said about this being a life I’ve created, which is true, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn’t have had a child if I ever thought my ex would be so feckless. I continued with the pregnancy because I truly believed I could rely and trust him, and couldn’t have imagined I’d have to take on all the responsibility.

I know lots of single mums who do really well and are happy, with or without support, but I’m clearly just not cut out for it.

@anniemac1 - thank you if I had someone who could look after DC for even one night, it would be such a massive help, I just truly don’t have anyone. I’ve tried reaching out to a few friends, but everyone is very busy with their own lives (which I completely understand, they have no obligation etc etc) but it does make me a bit sad that no one I know can/wants to even spare a few hours to help.

Thank you for your post @18995168a I know there are aspects of my mindset which I can change/challenge. I did want to be a mum, just not a single one, I know I have to accept it but I find it hard to happily accept the idea that I will not have a night out, social life or relationship/intimacy for many years to come. It’s once the trapped feeling starts when I know I have to stay in and never have a break, it spirals and then I feel really really low again. Realistically I know that if I just had a single evening off DC free each week, I could probably make a good start at climbing out of this hole. Childcare rates are just so expensive where I am (£10-£15 per hour) so I don’t really know what I can do!

@Countryescape - by loss of identity, I meant everything in my life now revolves around my role as a parent. I have lost my career, social life, freedom, relationship, friendships; everything really. If I could afford evening childcare I wouldn’t be posting here, I’d be out enjoying myself for the first time in ages.

I’m scared of DC’s childhood passing me by because I spend so much time miserable. If I knew I could have a certain amount of time to myself each week, where I could do what I wanted, I could enjoy our day to day lifestyle. But the trapped feeling, and the dread that comes with it, is really making things hard

It will get better. Have you got anyone who can help? Any parents or friends who live somewhere else you could go stay with for a weekend? Any family? In the meantime you need to make lemonade from lemons. How old is your child? If between 2 and 3 speak to your health visitor about getting free childcare hours. Have you looked into that? Are you going to a different baby/toddler group everyday? Your social life now changes into a daytime social life with other mums. I had the best social life I’ve ever had when my kids were babies/toddlers. Sign up for every free group going. Check out your local library for their weekly groups. Most do singing/storytime. Go every week, you will then start to see regular faces. Post up on netmums that you need some daytime buddies. Have you got a local sure start or children’s centre? Go to all the groups. Check out the website called meetup for single parent social groups. There’s so much social stuff out there. This should be the most social time of your life! Having a little one is the easiest way to meet new people.