Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just looking for opinions, am I doing the right thing?

13 replies

OneTimeOnly19 · 15/10/2019 21:09

Hi mnetters,

New to this and just looking for opinions. Split from my ex in June for various reasons, we have a now 9 month old DD, during this time the ex has seen her every weekend recently on sat and sun. This is fine however he would always want me to be present and he often would use his visits to try and presuede me into coming back. I've gone as far as paying for swimming lessons for DD and ex to go to so they can bond without me. This weekend I decided enough was enough, I asked ex that he not come around on the Sunday but that he can obviously come and take DD out. What followed him saying he was looking forward to seeing DD, do I repeated he could see DD but not in my flat, he then said that he wouldn't be around as he needed to see his parents Hmm strange that the moment I say I'm not going to be around he has to go see his parents.

Anyway Im not in the wrong for saying he can see Dd but not in my flat am i? And also am I crazy but does his actions just prove he doesn't have much interest in DD and just wants to try get me back?

OP posts:
paige789 · 15/10/2019 21:12

You are not in the wrong at all but maybe there's a reason behind him not wanting baby on his own, is he worries or nervous/anxious on his own ?

quincejamplease · 15/10/2019 21:13

Of course you're not in the wrong and of course you're not crazy.

crappyday2018 · 15/10/2019 21:15

You do right OP. You need to set clear boundaries now you are no longer together and for the sake of your DD also. It definitely sounds like he is using his time with her to try to manipulate you back. By letting him still come to your flat you are allowing him this opportunity.
Tell him you want to have set times he has your DD each week. For me, my DC's dad has them EOW and one night a week for tea. Although this isn't enough time in my opinion, its what we have agreed and there is no making excuses or backing out at the last minute.
Does he has her overnight? is he paying maintenance?

Needsomebottle · 15/10/2019 21:21

I would also consider if he was anxious having her alone. When I went away for a weekend when my DD was about 9 months I recall DH ringing me in triumph that he had managed to pop to the shop for something with her without incident. I hadn't realised that it was actually the first time he'd ever been alone with her like that and had gone out alone. The thought of taking her beyond his comfort zone had terrified him.

Original poster
OneTimeOnly19 · 15/10/2019 21:23

@paige789 I got think it is so much nervous but he does find it tough when DD is being moody. Or when she refuses food etc think it boils down to no patience.

@crappyday2018 he doesn't have her overnight as she is bf but it is something I want to work towards but I'm mindful that this will take longer to happen if he isn't willing to have her alone. As for maintenance I've had to go through cms as he kept promising to pay a certain amount and never did. Can now understand why he didn't as the amount he said he would pay me in well below the amount that cms said he has to pay.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 15/10/2019 21:36

My ex tried this trick too - he paid way less than he should have been and I initially kept quiet to keep the peace. I eventually had to go through the CMS also. As your ex is not having her overnight at all, you should be getting the full amount.
Hopefully when he sees you are serious about fixing times with her and not allowing him in your flat other than to pick up and drop off, he will step up a bit more. You will need a break yourself!

Original poster
OneTimeOnly19 · 15/10/2019 21:59

@crappyday2018, exactly but it's trying to get him to see that I'm serious and all the while not seeing our daughter and then I get the abusive you aren't letting me see my child messages. Hopefully will improve

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 15/10/2019 22:05

Can't he take DD to his parents? Then they would be able to see their dgd as well.

richteasandcheese · 15/10/2019 22:06

He can take his daughter to see her grandparents, no?

Original poster
OneTimeOnly19 · 15/10/2019 22:14

@singlenotsingle, his parents live 2 hours away. I've even suggested him taking DD out and bringing the GPs with him until he has built up time with DD. Ideally I was hoping that by the time she is 11 months she would be able to do full days with him but if he isnt having her without me I just don't see it happening. Not that I don't enjoy being around our DD but I want her having a good relationship with her dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneTimeOnly19 · 15/10/2019 22:19

Not that they've bothered much either. I could always travel to their hometown and leave DD with the ex and GPs for a couple of hours. I had suggested this but it come back to why don't you come around too. Really I don't mind how it works I just a) don't want to be around him much longer than needed and b) most importantly want to make sure DD is ok

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/10/2019 22:44

Time to put your foot down and say he needs to come collect DD and look after her on his own even if it starts off for only being an hour at a time. Stop letting him in your home.

limpylegs · 15/10/2019 23:02

No your not in the wrong at all!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page