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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I happy??

26 replies

CoffeeCupz · 15/10/2019 16:36

We have been together 7 years no kids or married I don't want children yet he's not wanting be married (I'm not too fussed) it would be nice, but anyway I have recently been questioning my whole relationship as we have had frequent arguments last month about general household chores/ him making an effort spend time with me. He is massively into gaming and is always in another room I am in the livingroom . He also has a lower sex drive than me we do it around once/twice month mostly me intiating. I still love him and we have a laugh together and still want to spend time with him. I have also recently developed a work crush and it is all getting me thinking grass is greener/ 7 year itch??

What is the normal in long term relationships? I don't know I jsut keep thinking is this my life forever? Maybe it's because I have no children yet?? Is this normal?

OP posts:
Sofasurfer101 · 15/10/2019 16:42

He is lazy. He does not put in the effort. I would not waste my life on him. And i would not explain to him amymore. Let him game away. Alone. Get out and find one who appreciate you.

MikeUniformMike · 15/10/2019 16:45

Have you started several threads about this? Even if you haven't, look at the advice for those threads.

Lex234 · 15/10/2019 16:45

There is no normal in long term relationships, you will get some post they have sex 68 times every hour and others once every 5 years but only if the moon is in Leo.

In all honesty, it should be what is right and normal for you both in a relationship. Is once or twice a month enough for you? Is it too much for him? Sexual compatability is important.

I would be a bit peeved at being a gamer widow constantly. It doesn't sound like the 7 year itch so much as you have different ideas on what a relationship is. If it is to work, there needs to be give and take; it doesn't sound like he is giving you much at the moment-time, attention or thought

Pinkbonbon · 15/10/2019 17:04

You aren't married so do whatever you want. The world us your oyster.

Does he make you happy?
And if so, is that enough?

You sound like you have a sensible head on your shoulders. Definitely don't consider having kids with him unless/until you know where u stand and if this relationship has legs.

Didn't someone say that true happiness was not having the time to find yourself questioning whether or not you were happy? Or maybe that was a quote about money xD

Original poster
CoffeeCupz · 15/10/2019 17:17

Thank you everyone and yes I'm sorry I have posted several threads just have no were else to turn X and yes I agree with you all I need see where it goes/ what happens.. I was okay few months ago it's since the arguments and meeting this other guy at work I am just questioning everything and beacuse we have hit 7 years just making me wonder this will be it... But I don't know if grass will be greener.. 😩 Thank you for your help guys xx

OP posts:
Dawninglory · 15/10/2019 18:10

Personally I would never/ have never dated a gamer or football fanatic, too absorbed in their hobby. Dated a musician once, that lasted 6.5yrs!.....
I ended it , now with helpful, lovely bloke, 2 kids 😊

category12 · 15/10/2019 18:18

Maybe it's because I have no children yet?? Is this normal?

FGS don't have kids with someone this disengaged from you.

Pinkbonbon · 15/10/2019 19:23

...umm dawninglory it's 2019 so most blokes in a certain age range will be into gaming. Heck, I'm a girl n spent 3 house last night on red dead redemption...riding around on my new horse shooting things xD.

It's a generational thing. It only becomes a problem if they spend half life on it and leave no time for anything else. Nothing wrong with having a hobby.

Having said that, can't help but be a hypocrite n agree with you about the football thing. That would get on ma tits too xD

Marmozet · 15/10/2019 19:28

There really is too much disengagement from him in this relationship and you seem to live as housemates. Is there any affection between you?

DontCallMeDaisy · 15/10/2019 19:42

If I didn't have children yet and didn't want to be married yet, I would want to be living my life and making the most of my freedom and I'd want a partner who wanted to do that with me - going on holidays, day trips, out with friends, trying out nice restaurants, experiences. Obviously no one can afford to be out every night of the week but while you're young and responsibility free, not even saving for a wedding, there should be so much more to life than a relationship where you're largely ignored, argue about household chores and have a limp sex life.

Without kids there's a fraction of household chores and it shouldnt be something big enough to cause a rift - it really says something about your compatability.

Don't 'see how it goes' any longer, you've already posted umpteen times. You should be planning an exciting future with a partner, whatever that maybe. This relationship is just wasting your life. The grass IS greener

HollowTalk · 15/10/2019 19:51

Blimey, if I was living with someone who preferred to shut himself away in the other room to play games and who didn't even want to have sex without major persuasion, I'd be off. What's the point?

End it nicely and have a think about the guy at work.

Peachymcgeachy · 15/10/2019 20:26

I was in your exact position 6 months ago. My now ex would sit for hours playing with his laptop. Did the bare minimum when it came to household chores - and when I say bare minimum, I mean he would wash his dinner plate and do fuck all else. We barely ever had sex and like you, when we did I initiated it. We were arguing constantly. I felt rejected, unloved, craved affection, questioned all day every day whether he loved me or not. It was horrible. Despite all of this, just like you I still loved him but I was in such a horrible place, so I had to end it.

He became and still is abusive towards me (I posted a thread earlier about this) but I need to keep in contact with him as we have a child together.

I would honestly end it. He will never make you happy. It’s just who these men are and they’ll never change. You have no ties to him so you can just walk away. Life’s too short. Just end it and go and be happy

Peachymcgeachy · 15/10/2019 20:29

P.s. the grass is greener! I am so much happier without him!

Original poster
CoffeeCupz · 16/10/2019 04:20

We still have sex and do go out we going to cinema this weekend. But again it would be me that's mentioning us doing something. Sometimes he wil suggest watching a film. God its jsut so difficult when you love them. It would make me sad knowing I would never kiss or see him again ever but keep thinking could be greener on other side 😩 it's not as if he had cheated or I don't love him it's just really difficult. I still want to do all them things with him it's just why am I questioning it all this last month or so I think it's since meeting this new guy we have been going through rough patch.

OP posts:
FavouriteSong · 16/10/2019 04:38

I don't think you have a future with your current partner. Leave him to his gaming and go out and grab yourself a proper fulfilling happy life. Maybe with the bloke at work, maybe with someone else, maybe you'll find you enjoy life being single.

facevalue · 16/10/2019 04:51

@CoffeeCupz oh dear. sounds like a nightmare. i posted the other day moaning about crap non existing sex in my 6 year relationship and it's because i met anyone else.

tell us more about the other guy ? has he been flirting with you- are you thinking he could be your next BF? why not.

most people stay in crappy relationships until they meet someone else who gives them that incentive to pack and go

my husband is a gamer - you find him on that bloody phone playing all the bloody time. then when i complain that no sex and he's constantly on this fucking game then he says " well u r on your phone too- chatting, checking whatsapp mumsnet facebook etc "

well, if i didn't chat to ppl and i'm not having sex then bloody hell i best just die 🙄

i work and have other hobbies

Original poster
CoffeeCupz · 16/10/2019 04:57

Yes he flirts with me and I do like him, I jsut dont know what to do it's making me upset going round round in my head, then I come home and boyfriend asks if I'm okay and that and just feels lot going on my mind. And yes I do think I would have gone out this new guy if I was single. Hard when I love boyfriend keep trying push this new person out my mind :( then I come home and he's on his game for hours and then says he will come join me in the livingroom in bit and jsut makes feel unwanted and then makes me think about grass is greenr and all that! And that I love him and still want spend time him god it's so confusing xx

OP posts:
facevalue · 16/10/2019 05:17

@coffee how old are you? you probably worried about a break up. i recommend u just get on with it. your feeling loyalty not love . if u find out you have cancer and u look back on your life - were you happy? i am married to the guy with no interest in sex PLEASE don't make my mistake as u will get stuck ... divorce is so so much harder and if u have kids everything is worst trust me!

Original poster
CoffeeCupz · 16/10/2019 05:22

Thank you and im 25 X but this is what I'm confused at I would look back and know I loved him and it made me happy it's just some things how we don't have much in common I like cooking he doesn't, I like horror he dosnt ... God im just torn over it all xx :( thank you your help x

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeCupz · 16/10/2019 05:24

I have spoken to my mum about it and she says only I have the answer that's it's up to me he won't change and I know that X I jsut dont know my answer I don't care about being single I just worry I love him and it will make me upset to never see him again

OP posts:
nzeire · 16/10/2019 05:31

Most blokes of a certain age into gaming? Really?

I’d be bored stupid with a relationship like this. You are 25! There is SO MUCH TO DO!!!!

Original poster
CoffeeCupz · 16/10/2019 05:41

I know most guys are into gaming which i understand X I don't feel bored I just don't know why I keep questioning it all... I mean 7 years is a long time we stil look at each other and the love is there X I just want the grass is greener thing to go away/ my crush

OP posts:
facevalue · 16/10/2019 05:41

25 and u were together 7 bloody years- get out and find a real relationship ... u have so much living travelling and sex to enjoy ... get out of this rut .. i PROMISE you this is not true love x

facevalue · 16/10/2019 05:42

if you had a dog i'm sure u will look at it too and the love will be there. wake up .

MOVE ON

GaraMedouar · 16/10/2019 05:43

I said this on another similar thread of someone else but - you are young, do not have kids with this guy , plenty of time to leave and find someone else. You will feel so rejected, unloved, dissatisfied. I had the same in my marriage but had 2 kids so was tied to him, even after divorce. You know what you need to do (you're just voicing it out loud on here) Flowers

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