Name calling

[Peachymcgeachy]

Ex H and I split around 6 months ago. We have had a lot of arguments over email (I had to block him from everything else so he uses email) mainly over him not being available to see DS, not turning up at arranges times or at all and always using his work as an excuse. As much as I can give as good as I get from him, I do try and ignore him as much as possible. BUT, he always resorts to the most vile name calling!

Until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t spoken to him for around 3 months. The arrangement we had in place for him seeing DS was working and everything had seemed to settle down. Then I woke up one Sunday morning with an email from him saying he utterly despised me and that I’d ruined his life. He then went on to call me a worthless cunt, unfit mother, said I didn’t deserve DS, I was a psycho, mentally unstable and a lunatic.

Last week I asked him if he could increase the overnights he has DS to 2 a week (just now it’s one) one during the week and one at the weekend. He told me no, he will only have DS one weekend night.

Fast forward to yesterday - he called me a stupid cunt. Then this morning said I’m the lowest of the low and I have a wicked, dark, evil soul who will never be able to provide anyone with happiness. I have another child from a previous relationship and he even got personal about their dad, slagging him off for the way he looks. He’s never even met the guy!

He’s made me feel like shit today and I am actually sitting here wondering if he is right and I am a horrible person.

Keep the messages. Report him to the police for harassment. Demonstrate to your children what a strong person you are, and how you address unacceptable behaviour. Your ex is a bully who does not wish to take responsibility for his life as an adult. He is not your responsibility. If you want to get the access arrangements formalised, go to family court. However, you may wish to think hard about this because your ex may use contact time to turn your child against you. Consider safeguarding issues because if he is vile to you, then your child may be at risk. You are not a horrible person and you know that old saying 'sticks and stones...' is true. People can only project their negativity onto you if you let them. Stop giving him control to beat you with his verbal stick. Tell him that all communication needs to be purely centred upon child matters, and that if he cannot agree then you will involve legal agencies. He is not acting like an adult, so you are going to have to,

Tell him his son is available x day at x time and it's up to him to show up and that all contact is to be via email. Explain that if continues to insult you, you'll no longer communicate by email and he will need to seek mediation to implement a proper visitation regime.

Then ignore unless it's anything to do with the children.

OP that's awful! No matter what he may think of you, you are the mother of his child. Don't listen to what he is saying. I wonder what has prompted it? Have you got a new relationship that he has heard about maybe? No matter what, there is no excuse to say things like that. Keep the messages but don't reply, don't engage with him at all.

I only ever communicate with him regarding DS. I don’t get personal or name call so I just don’t understand why he has to.

This all blew up on Sunday because he contacted me asking if he could bring DS home and hour early so he could go for a haircut. I said I was sorry and that I was out at the gym then had to go food shopping and wouldn’t be back until the agreed time. If he’d given me a bit more notice, I’d maybe have been able to accommodate him. Then I got the response.... I was only f*cking asking and all the shit that followed. He said I’m a psychologists dream, that I’m obviously not in a happy place at the moment and for my sake and the kids I should go and see a therapist. I feel like he’s projecting, could this be the case?

Of course he is projecting, why are you even giving half a thought too what he says. He is an idiot trying to hurt you

You got all that abuse because basically he couldn't have his own way , what an absolute idiot ! He sounds like he really has got issues , please just ignore him but obviously if it carries on report him . He sounds deranged

Why TF are you letting this vile creature even take up space in your head, let-alone upset you and make you feel like shit?
His language and his messages are actually laughable!!!
They really are.
So you are an unfit mother who doesn't deserve DS but he's happy for you to have HIS DC 6 days a week while he will only do 1 night.

You KNOW it's all bullshit so stop listening to it.
And certainly stop allowing him to upset you.
I'd send one message..... I will no longer accept your abuse. I am cutting off all and any communication with you. I am reporting your latest messages to the police and will be obtaining a harassment order if I get any further messages like this. This is slander, cyber bullying and harrasment and all of these are now illegal activities. Any and all communication will go via my solicitor for the foreseeable future. Current contact arrangements will remain in place for now. If I feel threatened any more by you I will press charges.
AND MEAN IT OP!!!!

Call 101 and ask for the DV team. Get all his messages on record. Report every single one of them.
He may think he is above the law but he is not.

If you need a professional body to help you then contact Womens Aid.

If it was me, I'd also tell him that the drugs aren't doing him any favours and he should stop taking them immediately. It's so bloody obvious that is what is causing his outbursts. He needs to rein it in or you could report him for that too! This is harder drugs than weed, guaranteed!!!!

Just ignore him. Hurt people hurt people. Once he stops hurting, it'll all calm down. Might take a while but as long as he doesn't pose a danger, just leave him be until he's over it.

So he thinks you are evil incarnate, incapable of mothering, that you are mentally unfit and suffer psychological problems?

And yet you are fit to look after his child the majority of the time.

Huge gap in logic there...

@Zaphodsotherhead

Yea, good point!

Suppose when someone continually makes comments or remarks like this on your character and your mental health you wonder if there’s is actually something wrong with you.

Thanks for all your replies x

Suppose when someone continually makes comments or remarks like this on your character and your mental health you wonder if there’s is actually something wrong with you

Even if the person making the remarks was ostensibly morally and ethically beyond reproach, I wouldn't entertain any criticism of my character or mental health that was couched in language such as you've described, OP,.

As this criticism is coming from a self-centred prat who is clearly out to vent his spleen on you I think it's safe to say that you can rest assured there's nothing wrong with you - and everything wrong with him, hence the projection.

Keep all of his vile messages as they'll be helpful when determining child arrangements in your divorce proceedings which I trust are in hand, or that you'll be filing your petition in the very near future,