Expecting fireworks, feelings and excitement after 2 dates... reasonable?

[SlipperSalt]

Been dating now for years. So fed up with it and have been talking to friends about finding someone. They are all coupled up.

I have never been on a third date with anyone despite being asked every time. I just seem to lose interest after date one or two because I think oh we haven’t properly clicked, there’s no real spark, he didn’t totally get what I meant when I said x or y. Then I move on to the next person and the same thing happens.

I’ve read dating threads on here and some people say you should know by two dates, others say they knew on the first date it was right! I don’t really start fancying someone properly until I get to know them, that’s when I’ve fallen in love before. But now it seems impossible. A date is like being faced with the question of whether you like them from the word go. No slow build up.

Am I doing the right thing in binning these people off? Should the spark be there? I just had date two with someone, had a nice time but not totally blown away, they want date three and I’m totally half arsed about it. But also very lonely because I want to settle down :( any advice or experiences welcome

I think you need to just go with the flow. Don't overthink it. If you don't mind the idea of a 3rd date, go on it- if you feel like it.

If you aren't supposed to persue something further, you'd probably get more of an inner hard 'no' and definitely not want to see them again- more like you said you have with previous dates.

With this one you might get that 'hell, no!' at date 3 or 4 or whatever, or even a greater can't-be-arsedness.

Really there's no harm in giving the guy another date, unless you know you're not into him in -any- way or have very rigid ideas of what you want to achieve.

I think even if you've found attraction grows with time for you, you'll find that there was always something you liked about the person to begin with, even if it wasn't their looks but was their conversation.

With this guy, it sounds more like a physical attraction to me- and that's fine. That can even sometimes develop into being fond of the person.

Best wishes xx

Thank you so much for responding. I’m probably thinking I’m going wrong because I’m not giving anyone a chance, but if I wanted to I would. It feels like a minefield! Xx

I think if someone is decent and you get on with them, 3 dates is a good number to have, then if you’re not feeling it at that point it’s probably not happening. Last person I really fell for it took 3 dates to realise I was really interested!

extraordinaryroutines.com/dating-two

Thanks that’s interesting to read

Don’t expect fireworks. Just expect to have a nice time. If you are enjoying a persons company why not keep seeing them? Not every relationship is going to be forever after, so you should just look at what’s good for right now and see if it develops.

I would go; in a nice way it sounds like you find it hard to find a spark so maybe it needs to grow? A lot of relationships grow from friendships where there was no spark at the beginning.

I've always been similar to you in that I've never really experinced those 'fireworks' immediately with anyone (apart from my ex husband but I was 16). If I've enjoyed someone's company though, I've usually given it another date or two and things have gradually built. I also need to get to know someone a bit before I can decide if I like them, which is why I'll usually go on another date if the last one has gone fairly well.

I don't like to go on too many dates if I think it's not going to go any further, as I don't want the other person to get their hopes up too much / feel like I've led them down the garden path.

But then I've always known which people I was especially interested in quite quickly. Not as in a huge surge of emotion, rainbows, flowers etc. But from things like: did their texts before we met make me curious? Did they write something that I found funny or interesting? Is there something about the photo that I rather like the look of? Did something stand out on the date - their voice, eye colour? Did I find myself thinking about the date for no particular reason later on?

So not exactly a spark. More like that feeling you get when you go shopping for a skirt, and the first shop you go in you see a nice skirt, but then you still go traipsing around the shops for ages afterwards looking at other skirts until finally you give up and go back and buy the first one you tried on, because you really know that you liked that one all along.