Can you ever really heal after domestic abuse?

[MargeSimpsonswig]

I've been thinking about this alot recently as I've found that the long term impact of DV is rarely discussed. I'm a long time poster but have NC for this.

I left my abusive exH over 7 years ago now and am currently NC but we have DC together. He's been in prison for the last 4 years and has another 2 years of his sentence which was for unrelated offences but this has been the first time in my life as an adult that I have been free of him and I have had the headspace to reflect on it all.

I really thought that this would mean I could finally recover from what has happened in the past but it still plays on my mind every day. I feel the shame, humiliation and betrayal, his words still ring in my ears that I am fat, ugly, worthless, a slag, a bad mother, a failure. I'm still terrified of men and freeze if I feel confronted with fear or danger, even if it is just a disagreement with someone. I still suffer with anxiety, jump at every loud noise, feel on edge constantly and have to be on the defense. I don't know how to relate to people who have had a 'normal' life. I feel defective and find it so hard to pretend that I have a normal life too. It's like a glass wall is between me and everyone else, I can never tell them the full extent of what happened and even if they did, they might not believe me.

People who do know can't understand why I haven't been able to move on and so I don't talk about it anymore but think about it daily. The unfairness, the judgment from others who pretend isn't there but i know they see me differently once they know. Most of all the guilt for what my DC went through. I know i am suffering from PTSD and I've been in therapy off and on for years but I remain stuck. I can pretend to be happy but just under the surface it is there every single day. I haven't moved on at all and feel like my life has been stolen. If you saw me in the street you wouldn't know, I go to work, do the school run, occasionally go out with friends but it always is there in the back of my mind. I can't seem to move past it.

So many people I've talked to think that once you are away from the immediate danger, it's all over but I just can't seem to reach that place. In 2 years he will be out of prison and I know I will be the first person he looks for. In his mind I took his DC away from him and he will want revenge. In his mind I will always be his possession and I don't know if I can ever be mentally free.

Has anyone else felt this way after leaving an abusive relationship? Is it ever really possible to recover and live a 'normal' life?

how awful for you - you sound like you live always looking over your shoulder. Do seek more therapy to help you. No advice to offer just best wishes that you can have a better future

Bless you. Just marking place in case you're up. I'll be back in a bit to write you a longer one.

You are correct OP. No one does discuss the long term impact not just on the Survivour but the utterly MONUMENTAL cost to society. In terms of wrecked individual lives and families split apart but the sheer monetary value that is heaped on the taxpayer. My work is bringing awareness.

So you ask, can you ever be normal? No. Once you understand the trick of NPD abuse and given time, you can have an even BETTER life! To do that you have to get yourself out of the FOG. The best person who can help you is HG Tudor, his books and his website, narcsite.com

You have been terribly brave. Really brave. It might seem, right now, that everything is hopeless but it's not. It's just your perspective. There are very clear signs presenting themselves now just how far you have come. They are;

1 -Going NC with that twat of a jail bird. Yay!!!

2 - APPRECIATING, neigh, OWNING the fact you have PTSD.

3 - Understanding that once the abuse stops, recovery begins. You are recovering because you are highlighting key issues.

And...

4 - You have grasped a VERY pertinent point. You ARE his in his mind. A possession or more accurately an Appliance. He may come for you. But you have lots of time to sort yourself. Promise. You have AMPLE time IF you begin to address it NOW

So question, is, how do we speed you along? Get you through the FOG?

This is my advice.

1 - Narcsite. Pronto. Tomorrow. Post if you can.

Whilst also....

2 - Just for now, maybe a few months or so, dont date maybe not having even casual sex. Until you are completely out of FOG, you are very vulnerable to other narcs. (Yup Jailbird is what Tudor would call a Lesser. Nasty. I call them the 'mud people'. Same difference.)

3 - For now, I wouldn't bother with any talking therapies. You need to be able to spot good from bad and right now, I'm not sure you can (most cant so dont take that as a slur). I dont know the numbers but a lot of narcs are therapists. It's an excellent hunting ground you see. Some prey on the vulnerable. Others are Empathic but lack key knowledge on NPD.

Then just read, absorb, learn. Ask questions. HG is really excellent at answering them. As am I.

Now I have questions.

What was your family background like? Do you have siblings? How were you treated in comparison to them? Are you in contact with your parents?

I'll grab some links for you that I think may be of the most help given your circumstances.

Now know that you are none of those terms that were used against you. You are a kind and loving woman and mother. You are an Empath. Being an Empath is awesome. When you learn how to recognise the Predators AKA people with NPD, both as intimate partners AND friends., you'll be amazed how simple it is. You are intelligent.

You are doing brilliantly and you will heal. You may even, as I am doing, choosing to NOT undergo Trauma therapy to treat the PTSD. I have my reasons for doing this and it's because my trauma happened whilst my own brain was developing as a small child. For me; its permanent. Does not mean to say it cannot be managed though. And I do. All the time.

So yes, I have PTSD too. From both my parents so c-PTSD and my ex-H (A Greater, very intelligent. Raped and sexually assaulted me. Psychological and emotional abuse was far worse. Never verbal. Not like you) and therefore standard PTSD too. c-PTSD is very difficult to treat. But not impossible.

Prozac helped a lot. Also try CBD oil.

So your child.

When you are stronger, give it 6 months, apply to the Family Court for a residency order. Ignore anyone who says no.

Highlight the circumstances in cold, hard detail. Be brutal but factual. Lessers tend to have low concentration levels due to their lack of cognition.

You are in unenviable circumstances as you have a child. The Court system (both) in the UK are fucked. Uttely. Be prepared for delays. So give yourself time. Again, you HAVE time. This cunts' going nowhere fast. For now.

I'm guessing you are in bed. Sleep well. You'll be OK. Promise.

Apologies. I didnt expand on Lessers. Their low and brutal approach to life, aka as gathering narc supply or Fuel, means that they will shy away usually from long and lengthy Court cases it will only ever be attempted to gather fuel from you whilst simultaneously punishing you.

Because they are frankly, dumb cunts, make it difficult and they will go hunting fresh supply. They have to. They do not have the energy to maintain a big fuel network. However, they can turn on a penny which makes then physically dangerous. Let's cross that bridge when hes released.

I do hope this helps

narcsite.com/2017/01/10/the-lesser-narcissist-five-facts/

narcsite.com/2019/03/19/fuel-fight-or-flight-8/

narcsite.com/2019/10/14/15-boundary-breakers-4/

narcsite.com/2019/10/14/5-myths-about-the-narcissist-8/

Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I have been learning about narcissism and I have also stopped dating as I did keep attracting abusive men that just traumatised me further. I have learned the signs now and I can see how my childhood impacted me and I am choosing to stay single forever as I just don't think i will ever be able to go through that again. It's a very lonely existence though.

My DC are older now and eldest DC will be 17 when he gets out. I know exH wouldn't stand a chance of getting contact as he was abusive to the DC too but eldest DC is showing interest in meeting him when he gets out. He doesn't understand what his father is, that he will only ever be manipulated by him and will ultimately try to become financially dependent on my son if he allows it. I know once he let's him back in, he will start the abuse again but DC thinks he will be able to handle it. He just doesn't understand as an invincible teen.

You're right that exH isn't very bright but is extremely violent. He was emotionally abusive too though and managed to isolate, gaslight, and control me and is extremely paranoid. He's like an entity who I feel will always be hiding in the shadows. There isn't a restraining order in the world that would keep him away.

What I struggle with is trying to move past it all. I don't want this to define my life and my DC's life but I feel out of my depth trying to navigate this situation. I have the understanding, I've done the freedom programme but I just don't know how to feel like a normal person. I just want to live a normal life without this shadow hanging over me but after years of trying, it's still very much there.

I feel for you OP absolutely from my own experience. You are absolutely NOT defective. You have responded totally normally to what is utter betrayal, abuse and total obliteration of trust and human decency. You would be very odd NOT to be feeling as you do!
I think you’re right - people don’t understand how long these effects last unless they’ve experienced an intimate partner/other individual like this. These types fill prisons of course and there are plenty not in prison too sadly. Around 16% of the population are narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic so that is roughly 1 in 6. And it is a sliding scale where people have tendencies and the grey areas are the most difficult to navigate.
Your brain has undergone the same as combat ptsd or being tortured in a war zone. Your whole belief that a man could be decent and ever trusting another has been shattered - not to put too finer point on it those feelings can make one very cynical about humanity as a whole. Unfortunately one can encounter people like this professionally and almost anywhere.
But, NOT everyone is like this. Please remember this. No one is perfect but NOT everybody is like you have experienced with your ex. Also if someone is not like this it doesn’t mean they’re some kind of empath or another label. It just means they haven’t got some pathalogical personality disorder.

Your ex sounds very manipulative as well as being violent and controlling. I think an effective way to deal with these sorts of mental scars is by identifying exactly what they are and then doing stuff in real life that proves the opposite to yourself. It is a risk to do this (especially if doing so on your own without the support of a councellor) as you will feel incredibly vulnerable whilst you work on it. BUT it is better than focusing on the narcissistic/abuser themselves and what they are/what they did etc. They will never change and are not healthy. You know plenty enough to spot these people even if you worry you might not at some point if you relax your guard a bit (your unconscious will spot them and tell you and this is a great strength). So you will spot them, but you also need to build bridges with the good things in the world, reasonable people, happy experiences and gradually this will help how you feel. You will get back to a normal, but a new more informed and canny normal. It is like Prolonged Exposure therapy really- one of the gold standard treatments for ptsd.
You have not lost anything, you’ve gained information, education and strength from your experiences even though that is hard to believe now.
It is probably impossible to go through life without encountering these types and so you must give yourself an enormous congratulation for surviving, getting away and being in a position to warn your children.
I realise however that you must be very worried about your son getting involved with his father again.
If you can explain to him once you feel stronger in yourself how dangerous his father is in terms of manipulation and that you worry he will prove to have no genuine feelings for your son/is incapable of having them, this might help him be braced for any interactions with his father. You can explain you wish he could have a good loving relationship with him but fear he will not be able to and what it will do to hurt your son. This way your son will hopefully realise you don’t want to prevent anything for your own ‘selfish’ reasons (something your ex might claim), but that you only want him to be safe, happy and loved.
I hope all this helps and wish you much peace and happiness for the future.

Thank you for your kind words @Joanofardvark and I'm sorry you have experienced this too but it's nice to hear from people who understand.

I think you've hit the nail on the head that I have lost faith in humanity. I think I'm just frustrated that after all these years I'm so badly affected. I suffer alot with anxiety and depression and think I am slipping back into this and have decided to restart medication as I am isolating myself from the rest if the world.

I know there are good people and I wish I could just enjoy their company instead of feeling so far removed from their world. I really do try but sometimes people say hurtful comments about single mothers or single women even and it's hard to not feel their judgment, even if it isn't necessary aimed at me.

I have had these conversations with my son and yes, his dad used to say all of these things to him about me. He deserves so much more than his head fuck of a father and I wish I could protect him from it forever but I know inevitably he is curious about his father and wants to see for himself.

I just wish I had a happy ending to my story but really it's just survival every day still. I want to carve out a life rather than just go through the motions and have done so in my career etc. and my DC are doing OK but it's the mental prison I am still stuck in.

Hi OP,
It’s really my pleasure to give you kind words, you absolutely deserve them
I think once one has been through these experiences there can be also a lot of rage tbh because one can feel the abuser has stolen joy and time from you. Believe me, it is possible to feel better, and even to start to be able to heal in a world which can seem very unsympathetic. People who make remarks about ‘types’ of women are ignorant idiots to my mind. They have no idea about any ‘type’ of person’s life and experiences and are stupid commenting. Ignore if you can!

That feeling of numbness and being cutoff from enjoyment is a very strong ptsd thing. Have you had counselling specifically for ptsd? This is definitely something that I think would help...Prolonged Exposure Therapy or CPT (as opposed to CBT) are the gold standards that have proven treatment efficacy. Also this book is really good:
www.amazon.co.uk/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence-Political/dp/0465061710/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=trauma+and+recovery+judith+herman&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1571238380&sr=8-1

It may be hard to read right now however and triggering if your feeling really bad but when you feel ready it will show you more clearly the patterns that trauma makes the human ‘mindbody’ go through and by having a knowledge of this it can make one feel that your responses are perfectly normal and can be treated, that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

There is even recent research to suggest people can come through trauma stronger, hard to believe I know given how trapped you feel in it at the moment. This is the link:
www.betterhelp.com/advice/trauma/post-traumatic-growth-is-it-really-possible-to-change-for-the-better-after-trauma/

However, don’t feel pressure to come out stronger or anything at this point as that could make you feel you’re somehow failing if you don’t. You’re absolutely not failing and it is natural you feel you will not escape having been in situations that have threatened your life and very being as a person because these situations make the body and mind fight for their very life.

I think this feeling of still being in the present with this abuse is also worse for you because you’re understandably really worried about your son and future interactions he might have with his father.
Have you talked to your son about parental alienation? I am thinking you undoubtedly know all about this and have talked to him about it with regard to the law, but perhaps you could get some further advice from legal/child protection agencies in advance preparation for when your son interacts with his father when the latter gets out of prison? After all your son will be still under 18 at this point...he could perhaps see a counsellor as backup if things show worrying signs with his father? I don’t know if this helps...even just to talk to a professional about your fears might help.

You sound a very strong person you know. You may not feel like it but you are because you’ve discussed these things carefully with your son (I’m sure he’s sensible and able to think well because you’ve brought him up).
Have faith that your son will see this as a truly loving act and that he will given time and perhaps not much (because of your decency and good upbringing) recognise what his father is really like. It will be hard for you to see him meet his father if he chooses too because if one feels a lack of control in life due to trauma, your son’s risk will weigh even more heavily on you, but you are doing really well reaching out for help, thinking about what to do.

Don’t underestimate how well you are coping.

One last question, did you say you enjoyed your career or was it not so much? I wasn’t sure. Perhaps there are some happy things you could do with friends/in your career, some self care and self development you could begin that will invest in you and remind you that you are a wonderful person who is strong underneath the sorrow of what you’ve had to put up with.

I so hope you feel better soon and know you’re not alone! X

Ps. Check out ‘learned helplessness’ too. The study on electrocuted dogs is famous and shows how repeated trauma can affect the brain. Don’t give up dear OP. There is ‘feeling better light’ at the end of the tunnel . Feel free to PM me if you like