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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to deal with a partner who has stopped looking after himself

19 replies

Gson · 14/10/2019 20:39

Hi all,

This is me being as honest as I can. I’ve come here as I feel so inherently guilty and I can’t talk to anyone I know about this as I just feel like a dreadful person.

Partner and I have been together for 6 years. He works very long hours in a very stressful job. I also work long hours and in a stressful job but I still manage to brush my teeth at night, eat some fruit and veg, drink plenty of water throughout the day and generally keep myself clean and my clothing clean.

He on the other hand doesn’t. He doesn’t brush his teeth and when he does it’s half heated and once a day if that. He eats the most beige diet - we don’t eat the same things. He will quite happily munch away on a beige buffet - I am health conscious. He hasn’t had his suit dry cleaned in 4 weeks and I don’t understand why. He’s putting on weight.

He’s not depressed - he’s said he’s fine just stressed and tired...but aren’t we all!? I still manage to keep myself looking ok and feeling healthy.

We live with his family until we can buy a flat in the city. There is part of me that really has the ‘grass is greener’ syndrome right now. I’m not particularly physically attracted at present.

Please can I have some advise. I love him so very much and care for him more than anyone in the world. But I can’t continue like this - Cleanliness wise, I am the opposite!

OP posts:

Original poster

Gson · 14/10/2019 20:41

And just to add. He hasn’t been to the dentist in years. He has a skin infection and won’t go to the doctor. He doesn’t look after himself, or anything he owns - just loses everything. I’m just becoming more and more frustrated with him!

OP posts:

Mum4Fergus · 14/10/2019 20:45

How do you know he isn't depressed? Has he seen a Doctor, or is that your assessment?

litterbird · 14/10/2019 20:48

These are classic signs of depression. I trip to the doctors will help with any diagnosis.

Original poster

Gson · 14/10/2019 20:48

It’s my assessment.

Maybe he is - I know he’s extremely stressed in his job.
But generally when we are together/he’s with his friends and family and he’s having some downtime he’s really happy and the life and soul of the party and talks about the future very positively.

OP posts:

Phoebesgift · 14/10/2019 20:51

Don't rule out depression. Assuming he hasn't always been like this, when did his personal hygiene start to slide?

QuaterMiss · 14/10/2019 20:55

Quite honestly, and despite what he says, poor self care and poor stewardship of possessions does strongly suggest depression. They are very recognisable symptoms. (Although of course there could be other causes.)

Have you lived with his family throughout your relationship or only more recently? Are you both happy with this?

Span1elsRock · 14/10/2019 20:56

As I clicked on this thread, I knew there would be lots of replies regarding depression it's the MN coverall for men's shitty behaviour on here.

He's a slob, OP.

Original poster

Gson · 14/10/2019 20:57

To be honest - I can’t remember him ever ring great. But I know I have high standards. I don’t particularly think his mother is really really clean (I’ve also noticed she doesn’t brush her teeth at night / doesn’t shower everyday and is generally a bit ‘slap dash’). His dad is really clean and goes to the gym, looks after himself etc.
I don’t know if it’s that I’ve never noticed it and this is him and what he’s been taught or if this has gotten bad in the last few months. Or both.

OP posts:

Rose87777 · 14/10/2019 21:02

Yeah he just sounds lazy to be completely honest. Considering he has no other red flags for depression from the limited info. Have you tried telling him kindly?

Original poster

Gson · 14/10/2019 21:04

I just don’t understand how he doesn’t get upset or seem to care when he loses or breaks stuff - brand new iPhone 11 smashed the other day and his response was ‘oh well only a phone I’ll get it fixed’ and never will. Lost his £590 wallet after 5 wks of owning it and didn’t even want to look for it - I spent hours walking around and retracing his steps.
He’s also not brilliant with money and likes to spend a lot on meals out on holidays he can’t afford.
He’s really into fashion and designer clothes. So one side of him takes pride and the other doesn’t - it’s almost like when he’s around me he’s not bothered?

No we aren’t participating happy living with his family. It drives me mad and we have no time on our own together, only when we are literally in bed asleep.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gson · 14/10/2019 21:04

Excuse all my typos! Bloody auto correct!

OP posts:

yellowallpaper · 14/10/2019 21:18

Some men are just bloody lazy about personal hygiene once the have a regular partner. Look at how many men don't wash their hands after going to the toilet 🤮

yellowallpaper · 14/10/2019 21:19

Look up the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder in adults. It may be that. In which case it's a lifetime like this

Underyoursky · 14/10/2019 21:23

Have you actually mentioned any of this to him?

QuaterMiss · 14/10/2019 21:24

Span1elsRock I would have said the same regarding a woman displaying these behaviours. The person I know with these symptoms was diagnosed with severe depression.

But, as is often said here OP - you don’t need a litany of reasons to end the relationship if it’s no longer making you happy.

Original poster

Gson · 14/10/2019 21:28

Yes I have mentioned this all to him and it goes in one ear and out the other.
He does make me happy (despite the huge moan about everything that doesn’t make me happy!) and no relationship is perfect.
I’m unsure if this is down to stressful job/traveling with work/long commute/living with family in one room. Could it just be our situation and things will change once we buy our own place (hopefully by Jan).
Could it just be a rough patch :(

OP posts:

NotStayingIn · 14/10/2019 21:33

Have you ever lived together separate from his family? As in, just the two of you in a rented flat? I would definitely want to do that before I committed to buying with someone.

Once you are in your own home and he is a slob and lazy with cleaning etc, that might annoy you even more then it does now.

Interestedwoman · 14/10/2019 21:39

'Could it just be our situation and things will change once we buy our own place (hopefully by Jan).
Could it just be a rough patch'

Mate, if you're this unsure about/not happy with him, please don't buy with him! What if it's not just a rough patch and you end up sick of him, but saddled with a flat and mortgage to get out of?

limpylegs · 14/10/2019 21:40

@Span1elsRock I hope none of the men in your life get depression. Lots of women let themselves go after getting a regular partner too. Don't be so ignorant.

Sounds like he has depression or might be slipping into something. Have a chat with him. He might not think he is slipping into a depression first of all but, it might give him food for thought.

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