Advice please - DP gone AWOL due to ex partner’s tragedy

[Arrivaycida]

I’ve been dating a man (DP) since April. Everything was going really well. We were exclusive and have mutual friends, so I thought everything was above board.

About 3 weeks ago one of our mutual friends told me that my DP’s ex-partner of 10 years (who I knew about) had suddenly lost her teenage daughter in a freak accident in the UK and was coming to the UK to deal with funeral stuff and admin and the body. Obviously I was very empathetic - as much as you can be for somebody you have never met. Mutual friend also told me that DP’s ex had always suffered from poor mental health and she believed that this event might actually now tip her over the edge.

I mentioned it to DP who seemed extremely affected by it. His ex had already called him. Everything then happened so quickly. DP and I were not living together but had been seeing each other and staying over at my house once or twice a week and at weekends. He has continued to see and speak to me everyday, kept in regular touch, called me most evenings, but as far as I know he has spent every night that she has been in the UK, with her, at her house (which she has here but doesn’t live in.)

According to him and mutual friends, they are not having sex or back in a relationship, they are just spending time together and she is crying and on the verge of suicide, and he is helping her through it. He also knew her daughter well, was a surrogate father to her, and so this is profoundly affecting him as well. Apparently when she returns abroad (she is going back and forth) she has a partner who she has been with since they split.

I’ve tried to be really empathetic and understanding about this while at the same time withdrawing myself. He has now not stayed over at my house or slept with me for three weeks. Every time I ask questions about what’s going on and what he’s doing, I get a defensive response - as in I “should know exactly what he is doing” - “pulling her back from the brink of suicide.” Even our mutual friends have the same attitude.

As a result, last week, I politely ended things with him, stopped answering his calls and texts and asked him to give me space. The result was him haranguing me, apparently heartbroken, that I had finished things at such a “difficult time” in his life and saying that he is confused as to why I have done this and I need to explain why, we need to work it out and and that I am being unreasonable for not respecting his need to take time out and ending things with him so abruptly.

We have gone back and forth over this now for a week. Every night we exhaust the conversation and end up at odds. He does not see why him “helping out a dear friend and ex partner” should impact me so strongly that I finish our relationship. I can’t believe that he is so ignorant as to not see the affect this would have on me and our relationship.

He talks in gory detail about the death and all his ex-P’s feelings and suicide threats as if they should shock me into realising why he is doing what he is doing. I presume the result he wants is that I feel guilty for even suggesting there is anything else going on. As much as I empathise, I don’t feel it is right for him to be spending most nights at her house. What are they even doing? Why does he need to stay over? He says he is on suicide watch - but that is not his responsibility.

He makes the point that he and I are still speaking daily and seeing each other, that he has not been unavailable, that the only part of our relationship that is “temporarily” on hold is the sleeping together / sex. Then he reduces it to things like “why are you saying sex is more important than me attending to my close friend? If you love me and care about me, you will understand my need to prioritise.” Or “if I have to choose between sex and helping out my close friend - I choose helping her out.” It’s like a way of making me look like i’m being unreasonable.

Late at night on Friday after i’d gone to sleep I found he’d sent me a few sex texts - presumably to keep me roped in or to prove that he still sees us in a romantic relationship. But he was probably at her house?

When he doesn’t hear from me he calls and texts me incessantly about how unfair I am being for giving up on him because of this. Mutual friends who I have spoken to are agreeing with him saying it is only a temporary thing and she will soon return, after everything is dealt with, back abroad again.

Apparently their split was mutual and happened four years ago.

What the hell is going on?

[Scratchyfluffface]

This makes such depressing reading, do you have no empathy? Can you not stop and think for a second that this woman and child who were a major part of his life for 10 years are obviously going to trump a 6 month relationship in this period of grief. Yes it's a bit shit but come on, EVERYONE else can see that you are being the unreasonable one here, otherwise you'd have some support from your mutual friends. By all means do what is best for you, but don't think you will come out of this looking anything less than an arsehole

[timshelthechoice]

You don't really know someone after 6 months for them to even be a partner, and this thread is proof of that, you have no idea what this person is really like, just block him if he's not taking no for an answer but FFS, leave off and get rid of him and move on and take a good look at why you're so needy.

[Arrivaycida]

He has not put me in the picture about what her current partner is doing or what role he is playing. He is, afterall, the one who has lived with her daughter for the last four years. I know he is still abroad though. She also has close family here, so I don’t really know why my DP/ex-DP is the focal point.

There was no “dumping” i just gracefully withdrew. What else could I do? No-one was asking me for emotional support or receptive to me offering it.

[Brazenhussy0]

@FizzyGreenWater you’re a voice of reason. Agree with your reading of the situation.

OP, you did the right thing backing away from this. Her current partner and family should be supporting her at this time, not an ex that neither she or her DD had seen in 4 years.
Spending 3 weeks living with her is a big pressure on a new relationship. He has shut you out entirely, and I think your decision to end it was the right choice to make.
He isn’t able to put the energy into building a relationship with you right now, and you can’t be expected to wait around in limbo forever with him refusing to tell you what’s going on and refusing to let you in.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I thought you'd say that re the partner.

Interesting how he's the one hassling and contacting over your decision to back away, but can't or won't let you know the answer to the obvious big questions - why isn't the DD's current 'stepdad' figure here with her, where are her family.

And Brazenhussy0 good to see someone else through the tide of froth.

I think you need to walk right away. There's something not right at all here and I honestly think the nature of the situation puts you in such a hands-tied position - and he seems to be fully making use of the 'beyond reproach' position he's now in - that you are better off continuing with detaching.

[DonnaPaulsenSpecter]

So what do you want from this thread OP? You clearly don't think you've done anything wrong despite the majority saying you are. You have ended the relationship so go on and be merry and live your life, no need for the thread if you're so sure of your actions.

Quite frankly, I believe he deserves better and here's hoping it comes his way soon.

[user1573334]

Wow. He is not just supporting his grieving ex, but also grieving himself. It actually chilled me that you could be so shortsighted as to not understand that and break up with him. He was with her for 10 years. That is presumably most of this poor girls childhood. She is or was like a daughter to him. 3 weeks is literally nothing. Heartless to do this while someone is grieving, for a child no less!

[Pannalash]

Crikey OP you talk of ‘empathy’ but you don’t appear to know what it actually means.

[Babyg1995]

Op I think you were right to back away I think it's great he's supporting his ex but the staying over ect would unsettle me that the ex is depending on him too much. As a mother yourself you can only imagine what the poor woman is going through . This will be the situation for a long time now and if you aren't happy with the relationship you done the right thing leaving now anyone can leave a relationship at any time .

[DarklyDreamingDexter]

He's better off without you. You have zero empathy and are therefore clearly mismatched.

[LunasOrchid]

Completely agree with @FizzyGreenWater and @Brazenhussy0.

Why isn't the woman's current partner of four years there supporting her? Instead her ex goes to live with her for the past three weeks. She's suicidal yet her family and partner are nowhere to be seen and your DP doesn't answer this when you ask him? YANBU.

I don't care what anybody says, I think two people who are grieving can definitely have sex (heightened emotions and impulsive actions etc).

You've had a rough time here OP and you don't deserve it

[Undecided84]

I have to agree that @FizzyGreenWater is one of the few sensible posters on here. As tragic as this is, it is really, really odd that the OPs partner is fulfilling what should be the role of the ex's present partner.
That would send alarm bells ringing for me, and I am really impressed that the OP has stuck to her guns and not let his emotional blackmail sway her from her decision to end it when she suspects in her gut that this is symptomatic of her partner and his ex's relationship not truly being finished with.

[OldAndWornOut]

I could barely function when my daughter died.
Literally could barely open my mouth enough to speak, because just being alive was just too painful.

I couldn't have had sex then, and haven't had it since, and I don't care if I never do again.

[BlueBirdGreenFence]

You the think the woman whose child just died and that is suicidal is busy shagging your boyfriend? Catch a grip of yourself.

[puppyconfetti]

Somebody has died and you are winging because you haven't had a shag for 3 weeks

This is an absolute classic example of 'it's not about you'

[OldAndWornOut]

Just to add, it was an ex that comforted me, because we had shared memories of her as a little girl, and a teen.

It wasn't planned that I would turn to him, there was nothing untoward in it, but he knew her more than anyone else in my life because he had been there when she was growing up.

[Walnutwhipster]

Fucking hell you're cold.

[LunasOrchid]

@puppyconfetti The OP hasn't moaned about not having sex Learn to read properly.

[Slappadabass]

If he hasn't spoken to the child for 4 years then what gives him the right to play the grieving dad, if he had been there for the child since the split then I'd say fair enough, but to suddenly jump into grieving dad mode it's a bit OTT, not saying he can't grieve, ofcorse he can but he hasn't bothered with her in 4years, why now play the heartbroken parent.
If he was the only person available to support the mum, ofcorse that would be the right thing to do, but she has a partner and family that presumably would be there for her. As much empathy as I would have, and I have a close friend who lost her son so I know how awful and utterly heartbreaking it is and the terrible lasting effect it has on the parents, I wouldn't be comfortable with this situation, it's not his job, not if he's not bothered with the child for 4 years.

[BritInUS1]

YABU ! Why on earth did you end it because he went to help a friend !

[cubiclejockey]

OldAndWornOut , I am very sorry about your daughter. I just wanted to acknowledge your post and your pain. Thank you for posting.

[littleorangecat22]

You're being selfish and breaking up with him when he needs you the most.. Are you not capable of putting someone before your needs?

[OldAndWornOut]

Thank you very much cubiclejockey.
It means a lot; its still raw and incredibly painful, every single day.

I was hoping to convey how all consuming the grief is, but well.. I dunno.

[QueenoftheDay]

For actual fucks sake

How has it even crossed your mind that they might be sleeping together?! She has LOST HER CHILD. How is that even a question?

[TimeForNewStart]

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want, and a gut feeling that he is sleeping with someone else (assuming that you’re not normally a particularly jealous person) is a good one. It was a new relationship, and when the going got tough, it just didn’t last the course. That’s all there is to it. I don’t think you’re necessarily a bad person.