Advice please - DP gone AWOL due to ex partner’s tragedy

[Arrivaycida]

I’ve been dating a man (DP) since April. Everything was going really well. We were exclusive and have mutual friends, so I thought everything was above board.

About 3 weeks ago one of our mutual friends told me that my DP’s ex-partner of 10 years (who I knew about) had suddenly lost her teenage daughter in a freak accident in the UK and was coming to the UK to deal with funeral stuff and admin and the body. Obviously I was very empathetic - as much as you can be for somebody you have never met. Mutual friend also told me that DP’s ex had always suffered from poor mental health and she believed that this event might actually now tip her over the edge.

I mentioned it to DP who seemed extremely affected by it. His ex had already called him. Everything then happened so quickly. DP and I were not living together but had been seeing each other and staying over at my house once or twice a week and at weekends. He has continued to see and speak to me everyday, kept in regular touch, called me most evenings, but as far as I know he has spent every night that she has been in the UK, with her, at her house (which she has here but doesn’t live in.)

According to him and mutual friends, they are not having sex or back in a relationship, they are just spending time together and she is crying and on the verge of suicide, and he is helping her through it. He also knew her daughter well, was a surrogate father to her, and so this is profoundly affecting him as well. Apparently when she returns abroad (she is going back and forth) she has a partner who she has been with since they split.

I’ve tried to be really empathetic and understanding about this while at the same time withdrawing myself. He has now not stayed over at my house or slept with me for three weeks. Every time I ask questions about what’s going on and what he’s doing, I get a defensive response - as in I “should know exactly what he is doing” - “pulling her back from the brink of suicide.” Even our mutual friends have the same attitude.

As a result, last week, I politely ended things with him, stopped answering his calls and texts and asked him to give me space. The result was him haranguing me, apparently heartbroken, that I had finished things at such a “difficult time” in his life and saying that he is confused as to why I have done this and I need to explain why, we need to work it out and and that I am being unreasonable for not respecting his need to take time out and ending things with him so abruptly.

We have gone back and forth over this now for a week. Every night we exhaust the conversation and end up at odds. He does not see why him “helping out a dear friend and ex partner” should impact me so strongly that I finish our relationship. I can’t believe that he is so ignorant as to not see the affect this would have on me and our relationship.

He talks in gory detail about the death and all his ex-P’s feelings and suicide threats as if they should shock me into realising why he is doing what he is doing. I presume the result he wants is that I feel guilty for even suggesting there is anything else going on. As much as I empathise, I don’t feel it is right for him to be spending most nights at her house. What are they even doing? Why does he need to stay over? He says he is on suicide watch - but that is not his responsibility.

He makes the point that he and I are still speaking daily and seeing each other, that he has not been unavailable, that the only part of our relationship that is “temporarily” on hold is the sleeping together / sex. Then he reduces it to things like “why are you saying sex is more important than me attending to my close friend? If you love me and care about me, you will understand my need to prioritise.” Or “if I have to choose between sex and helping out my close friend - I choose helping her out.” It’s like a way of making me look like i’m being unreasonable.

Late at night on Friday after i’d gone to sleep I found he’d sent me a few sex texts - presumably to keep me roped in or to prove that he still sees us in a romantic relationship. But he was probably at her house?

When he doesn’t hear from me he calls and texts me incessantly about how unfair I am being for giving up on him because of this. Mutual friends who I have spoken to are agreeing with him saying it is only a temporary thing and she will soon return, after everything is dealt with, back abroad again.

Apparently their split was mutual and happened four years ago.

What the hell is going on?

[HundredMilesAnHour]

Wow you're cold OP. You still don't see that your behaviour has been appalling and self-centered?

[Andromache77]

I think that he's doing the right thing. On the other hand, I also think that you don't have to like it, especially since yours is a rather short relationship. And while I understand that he's either supporting her or grieving or both, it's not right to refuse to accept that you are no longer happy to continue your relationship with him. He may want your support, it may even be the correct thing for you to do, but the fact remains that he's not entitled to it and he should respect your decision, not pester you day after day. No one is obliged to remain in a relationship, even if that is the "right" thing to do.
You should stop all contact. I'm not saying that it's nice of you to do so but if that's your decision, then he should accept it (and you should be consistent about it).

[GrumpyHoonMain]

You are not unreasonable to end a relationship for any reason, but don’t kid yourself that it wasn’t a pretty callous thing to do.

[lottelupin]

Actually ... I've re-read what you said. About totally cutting him off and not answering calls or texts.

I don't think that's necessarily right, OP. It's a massive moment. This is a kid he loved and helped bring up. You have to almost look upon this as his kid dying. He's asking you to understand.

Don't read it wrong.

But at the same time, I revert to my original judgement. I don't think you two are the best match.

[saraclara]

No matter the right or wrong of it, you don't have to be in a relationship you don't want to be in

However, most people would choose their timing somewhat more considerately.

[Mydogmylife]

Lack of empathy is a very unattractive trait op , I hope you never find yourself in a position where you need support, perhaps from where you least expect it.

[nespressowoo]

You are so self-centred it is unreal. Get a grip will you. Disgraceful behaviour.

[Jaffacakebeast]

I must be a Cold and callous 2 then, as following ur update I’d dump him too, it’s his ex who he hasn’t been friendly with for over 4 years, a child he hasn’t bothered with for whatever reason for 4 years, don’t get me wrong, visit ex, send condolences support at the funeral, but it’s not his place to be looking after her full time for weeks on end.

[Juanmorebeer]

You have behaved like a complete arsehole tbh. What is 3 weeks in the grand scheme of life and death?

There was a thread yesterday about green flags in relationship. One recurrent theme was people saying when a man was kind to / spoke warmly of ex partners. The way he is behaving is a sign of a good person.

You've fucked it though I reckon.

[readingnc]

@Jaffacakebeast who says it's not his "place"? You?

He thinks it's is, the ex thinks it is, their mutual friends think it is.

The two of them are grieving a teenager they raised together for 10 years. You don't know that he hasn't "bothered" with her.

I haven't seen my ex's daughter for years, because they moved a few hours away and then she subsequently moved abroad. So what? I'd be devastated if she died and me and her dad are the only people who have ever lived with her/raised her. And if he needed support I'd spare a few weeks of my life to give it

[louella999]

You are being very selfish. I feel bad for him that he's having to chase you/negotiate with you/try to appease you while dealing with a tragedy.

You sound jealous and immature.

[TARSCOUT]

I'm with 99% of the other people - I think you've got it totally wrong however if you can't see that then maybe you are better apart.

[DonnaPaulsenSpecter]

I think you've done him a favour

Yep, and here's hoping he doesn't take you back as I imagine you will be "apologising" and trying to get him back soon.

He sounds like a wonderful man and I cannot even begin to imagine what his ex and he are going through.

You come across ridiculously selfish and self centred. It takes a special kind of arsehole to make such a tragedy about themselves. Instead of being supportive, you have been difficult and made this all about you and your feelings, absolutely vile. No, you have not been empathetic, that is evident.

[Bouffalant]

In the grand scheme of things, someone your DP spent 10 years of his life with HAS LOST THEIR CHILD. Their child is dead.

It's a shame if you feel it's an inconvenience to you, but realistically your short relationship is a tiny amount of time in comparison to their relationship, and the life of her dead daughter.

Suck it up and don't be a selfish brat at not getting your sex and cuddles. Her child is dead. This is one of those times where you really need to remember what life is about. He could be saving her life. I know you say it's not his responsibility, and no maybe it isn't. But it's horribly callous for you to even think that. It's not like it's an ex with a broken down car.

To be honest I think you've destroyed any future relationship you might have had with him, so I'd just move on now if I were you.

[FavouriteSong]

Such callous disregard for other people's grief. Unbelievable.

[Jaffacakebeast]

The op said he hasn’t been in his exes dd’s or the ex life since the split

[readitandwept]

Sleepovers with a woman you've been dating for all of six months, or grieving for a child you knew and cared for for ten years, while also trying to support her suicidal mother, someone you once loved?

Yeah, tough one.

[readitandwept]

But not in her OP, funnily enough.

[category12]

And so what if he hasn't seen the dd in 4 years - she was a teenager and would have had her own stuff going on - and it's always complex when there's a split. It doesn't mean there wasn't love there, and it doesn't erase 10 years bringing her up.

[saraclara]

A freak death of a child in another country must be about as bad as a bereavement gets. No warning, no goodbye and complete disbelief. Then you fly to her in a place where you don't have the support system to gather you up that you might have in the country where you live, without your partner who for some reason can't accompany you.

How grateful would you be to the ex who puts behind him any ill-feeling that there might have been in the past, in order to support you and keep you from trying to join your child.

[Ginger1982]

YABU.

[Span1elsRock]

He sounds like a decent man, OP.

Your loss.

[CodenameVillanelle]

TBH in your position I think I'd probably want to take some space from him too. Not to end the relationship but he's in a place and you can't reach him there so best to let him have his space, and you take yours.
I don't know how long he will be in that place for. Possibly long enough that your relationship won't survive anyway. You can have compassion and empathy whilst looking after your own mental health and keeping some distance.

[Drabarni]

Wow, he's dodged a bullet with you, I hope he sees that soon.
You obviously can't trust him.

[Joe2019]

I am going to go totally against the grain here and say why has he not turned to Op for emotional support? Surely most of us would turn to our partner or loved ones and I think it says a lot about the relationship that he hasn't. I wonder whether either of you are really feeling the love for each other? I think I too would have thought very carefully about this situation and would have reached the same conclusion as op, although I might have waited a few weeks for a better time to end it.