Parents in law

[Kinikanas]

Dear all
I was wondering if I m being unreasonable.
My in laws are actually quite nice people but in the past few years they have done small stuff which, combined, has started ticking me off! I have a bit of an aversion towards them and was wondering if it is justified. Here a list:

• FIL is super stingy: he comes to our city once a month for work and stays over at our place but never thinks of inviting us out for dinner or anything
• when FIL comes once a month, he sometimes does not communicate what time and ends up showing up too early sometimes
• MIL forgot I m vegetarian for her birthday so I ended up having a slice of meat giving the rest to husband (didn t want to be rude on the spot). Next day I had indigestion which caused me a loud and long session in bathroom at their place (we stayed over because it is a 3 hr drive), as if I was not embarassed enough, when I got out, MIL asked in front of 10 brunch guests if there still is any toilet roll left in toilet.
• day after wedding FIL asked me twice when we re having babies
• once talking economy and politics and giving my opinion, FIL didn t let me finish my sentence and bashed my comment by saying „nonsense“!
• we are expecting a baby And while my friends and family shower us with gifts, parents in law have done nothing until my hisband felt embarassed and told them if they could also buy some things
• MIL bought cheap polyester baby Gloves (instead of cotton as we asked)
• MIL bought 3 baby clothes all of them saying „i love daddy“ none mentioning anything about mummy
• MIL commented „you look good, you are very full“ during my pregnancy
• They never get me anything for my birthdays, while my parents think about my husbad when it s his birthday, even if just a dinner...
• MIL is very gossipy about people I don t know (neighbors etc) and keeps on repeating the same stories every time I see her
• I ve been made redundant due to pregnancy (in Switzerland there s no protection unfortunately) and my mother was telling my FIL that it s no big deal, worst case I can stay home and care for baby 1-2 years and that she also stayed home for 2 years when she had me, his response was that both partners must work and contribute 50/50 financially because it is unfair to put all financial pressure on one person (notice the guy was a big shot himself at a bank and his wife was taken care of most of her life!)
• I m a mixed child, one of my parents comes from a third world country he had to flee in the 70s for political war reasons, my MIL was a Part time German teacher (when she worked). Once out of the blue she started complaining that she was approached by a volunteering organisation asking her to teach german to refugee families (as part of an integration program) once a week for a couple of hours since she s retired, she was saying: I can t believe they permitted themselves to bother me, I m retired I worked all my life and I want to enjoy it now.... I am so annoyed at this organisation (PS she never had to work hard, only did part time teaching)
• FIL asked us if we want to go to their place for his birthday and I answered that I have a friend visiting from the UK that weekend and that we planned it long ago (shey got her flight ticket and all), he seemed quite pissed off

There are a few more points that I probably missed but I guess this gives you a gist of the situation... am I being ureasonable for not being able to really like them?

Thank you

FIL is super stingy: he comes to our city once a month for work and stays over at our place but never thinks of inviting us out for dinner or anything
I don't think it's unreasonable for FIL to assume that his family will welcome him to their home once a month without expecting anything in return. But I agree it would be nice if he treated you to a meal or takeaway. This wouldn't bother me.

when FIL comes once a month, he sometimes does not communicate what time and ends up showing up too early sometimes
Then your DH needs to make it clear that he'd like his DF to give an ETA.

MIL forgot I m vegetarian for her birthday so I ended up having a slice of meat giving the rest to husband (didn t want to be rude on the spot)
This was thoughtless of her. I presume you reminded her after the meal?

Next day I had indigestion which caused me a loud and long session in bathroom at their place (we stayed over because it is a 3 hr drive), as if I was not embarassed enough, when I got out, MIL asked in front of 10 brunch guests if there still is any toilet roll left in toilet.
she was rude and I don't blame you for being upset at this.

day after wedding FIL asked me twice when we re having babies
I'd have laughed this off.

once talking economy and politics and giving my opinion, FIL didn t let me finish my sentence and bashed my comment by saying „nonsense“!
Surely this is just part and parcel of a healthy debate?

we are expecting a baby And while my friends and family shower us with gifts, parents in law have done nothing until my hisband felt embarassed and told them if they could also buy some things
I think your DH was rude in this instance.

MIL bought cheap polyester baby Gloves (instead of cotton as we asked)
You are bring a bit precious here.

MIL bought 3 baby clothes all of them saying „i love daddy“ none mentioning anything about mummy
Sigh and ignore.

MIL commented „you look good, you are very full“ during my pregnancy
She was rude.

They never get me anything for my birthdays, while my parents think about my husbad when it s his birthday, even if just a dinner...
You shouldn't compare his parents with your own. Different families have different ways (or not) of marking occasions. That doesn't make them any less loving.

MIL is very gossipy about people I don t know (neighbors etc) and keeps on repeating the same stories every time I see her
I'd find this tiring too.

I ve been made redundant due to pregnancy (in Switzerland there s no protection unfortunately) and my mother was telling my FIL that it s no big deal, worst case I can stay home and care for baby 1-2 years and that she also stayed home for 2 years when she had me, his response was that both partners must work and contribute 50/50 financially because it is unfair to put all financial pressure on one person (notice the guy was a big shot himself at a bank and his wife was taken care of most of her life!)
Ignore their outdated views.

I m a mixed child, one of my parents comes from a third world country he had to flee in the 70s for political war reasons, my MIL was a Part time German teacher (when she worked). Once out of the blue she started complaining that she was approached by a volunteering organisation asking her to teach german to refugee families (as part of an integration program) once a week for a couple of hours since she s retired, she was saying: I can t believe they permitted themselves to bother me, I m retired I worked all my life and I want to enjoy it now.... I am so annoyed at this organisation (PS she never had to work hard, only did part time teaching)
I don't see how it being a refugee organisation is relevant. And she is entitled to enjoy her retirement if she wishes, without feeling obliged to volunteer.

FIL asked us if we want to go to their place for his birthday and I answered that I have a friend visiting from the UK that weekend and that we planned it long ago (shey got her flight ticket and all), he seemed quite pissed off
It's possible he was pissed off. It's also possible that you misread him.

I understand some of these niggles. But I also think you need to decide whether you want them Tom turn into resentment, or whether to ignore/deal with those that are unreasonable or need addressing.

Thanks for your input Gazelda
Helps me putting things in perspective.
Refugee thing was annoying to me because it was an unnecessary comment especially since she knows one of my parents was an immigrant of the sort

You need to let a lot of this go. Half of it is of no consequence at all.
Oh and you & your DH are being very greedy and grabby by telling his parents to buy stuff for your unborn baby.

My DH asked for a few things because he felt embarassed with my family and friends whi constantly fight about stuff to get us... we actually bought most things ourselves and tild my friends and family not to exaggerate, but they still did. My husband is just ashamed I guess, that his parents don t even think of their grandson

Maybe your inlaws aren't comfortable buying things until the baby is safely here. It's the norm for many older people. It actually freaks me out that people buy everything beforehand these days.

MIL bought cheap polyester baby Gloves (instead of cotton as we asked)

You sound like very hard work.

About the gloves: doctor told me to avoid 100% polyester and get cotton for newborns.... my own clothes are ALL polyester

They’re different to what you’re used to.
Nothing sounds that bad. It is hard to consider ‘you look well’ as the worst thing ever, even if followed by very full.
Don’t forget, these people love and raised the same man you do.

👍🏽😊

I love in Switzerland. There is protection when pregnant but not for after maternity??

live

Not really ... depends on company how you are treated
I work in a male dominant environment and I am not the first one being sent away because pregnancy was inconvenient for their needs. At least I was lucky since the conditions are ok. An ex colleague of mine was made redundant at 6 months pregnant from one day to the other 🙈 without the benefits I got

I think you are being petty- the only one that would really rankle would be the ignoring the fact you are veggie.
Baby stuff- you seem to be saying that buying you stuff when you are pregnant is necessary to show they care about the baby- that's ridiculous.
they are obviously more focused on their son becoming a father and worried about him rather than you - which is natural as he is their son.
I actually think their comments on 60-50 working are modern rather than old fashioned. The fact that your FIL said it might give be giving you some insight as to how he felt always being the bread winner as his wife didn't work.

I'm sensing there is a lot going on here OP.

You've quite rightly outlined what the surface issues are. Id hazard a guess it goes much deeper.

It's difficult to say atm which one of your PILS is manipulating the other. They could be equally as bad but that would be unusual.

OP, at least ONE of them are not good people.

What do you want from this? What is your DH like with you?

I admit it is hard not to compare parents especially when one lot do more than another. DH and I have this. My parents bend over backwards to help but to get anything from DH's is like getting blood out of a stone. The way I cope with this is just to ignore. They will never change

Thanks for your inputs!
It s true, my parents are just so available and happy to help that when I told them they don t need to worry or be concerned so much and take example from in laws and go enjoy retirement and go on holiday travel the world, my parents were like: we are now happy to be grandparents and prefer being here for you guys in case you need us (childcare in switzerland is half of one salary). MIL openly said that she s not up for it which I find fair enough as she s done her part with her children. I m just worried there will be a massive imbalance like this: my parents sacrficing too luch and PIL s kust not even caring at all!
Also stimgy FIL is not only because of the once a month finner thing, I was brought up that it is good manners to do something when I m a guest. When we stay over ar PILs for weekend I always invite them out for dinner! Inmean he is a guest: i have to put effort as in wash, cook etc for him. Not being grabby, just think would be nice that once he told me that I don t need to cook and maybe have initiative on that part (bring something). He s generally stingy one other example is that whenever we do go out for dinner when he stays over (i told DH that I can t cook for guests during the week always as my job was pretty demanding with hours etc), when bill comes he puts his hands behind his head (actually does that!!!). Another time he invited us out for a concert (what i thought to be a birthday gift for DH) and at end of evening he asked for our share of the money back.... i was so embarassed!
Generally I find FIL petty and MIL selfish and not too bright which makes me WANT to not like them.

I hear you OP and especially the hands behind the head move.

Can I ask, when he dies it does he have a supercillious look on his face? Smug like? Bet he does.

The more you reveal OP the more it looks like an utter nest of narcasssitic vipers.

The smug look: unfortunately yes 😏
I really don t know how my DH got educated since he s def not petty nor selfish. He even accepts that I bring in stray cats (when on holiday it has happened that I adopt half alive cats which we now both love with all our hearts now) or he was ok with me not contributing to rent for 2 months as I was helping my student cousin out financially (his parents are not well off at all).
Which brings me to 2 more points:

• when we told them I was preggie they asked us several times what we are going to do with our cats. This annoyed me the first time but second snd third time I was exasperated as if showing they do not approve of kids and cats Being together
• FIL comment about 50/50 gamily contribution especially annoyed me and I considered insensitive since he very well knows that it wasn t my choice to be put of job after pregnancy! I have a degree in computer science so perhaps there are plenty of jobs out there afterwards, but I guess being made redundant worked me up psychologally and lowered my self esteem too, so I m going to think twice about taking a next job (pickier)

Dear OP. You may have a degree in Computer Science (Mine is post grad Physics) but your emotional thinking is all over the place! I mean this very very kindly and gently.

Like many women who are as intelligent as you, you are over-analysing this.

Remove yourself from this situation and ask yourself, what do you need?

Always here to help.

Cats! I have cats! But what has that got to do with your situation?

Thanks Renarde
Cats= because PILs keep asking us what we will do with them when baby cones snd to be honest I cannot think of abandoning them! So I feel pressured by their questioning the cat/baby situation

Why have you got two threads on this? one in Aibu (where everyone said you were unreasonable) and one in relationships? It seems like because you didn’t get the answer you wanted you started another thread. Which sort of proves the point the problem being yours not your in laws.

Your pil are very different people. Not all people like each orher.

Adults get along if they need to, e.g. they have a person in common, like your dh, or your dc.

You can't always choose who is in your life but you can choose to be the bigger person and let things go if they don't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

YABU most of your points are petty.

Why would you eat the meat and not just say 'oh remember I'm vegetarian'

The worst part is the cotton gloves

They don't seem to be as generous and considerate as perhaps your family. But you do sound a bit hard work too.

Why have you posted this in 2 different areas?
I find it really hard to believe a vegetarian would eat meat rather than 'appear rude'. You come across like a complete gobshite!