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Relationships

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Original poster

How to a let go and move on when I'm having a baby with the person I love?

19 replies

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 14/10/2019 16:43

You might recall my post a few days ago about my ex-MIL contacting me to talk after I announced my pregnancy. The dad, as far as I was concerned hadn't been in touch and had blocked my number and deleted all social media I had emailed him but no response. The MIL ended up being rather nice and informed me that my ex (12 weeks pregnant, we were together just under a year), had actually emailed me two weeks ago. It must have gone to my junk mail (I am very hot on my emails) as I never saw it and having been blocked everywhere else I didn't even think to look. It turns out he had emailed me two weeks prior to let me know he didn't want to be with me but did want to be in the baby's life.

I still love him and obviously best case scenario we would get back together and have a family but I know deep down that it's never going to happen. However since finding the email we have met up to talk a couple of times, first time ended in lots of kissing and cuddling and the second time ended in lots of cuddles and sex. Obviously I need to put my baby first but a part of me is holding out to see if we can somehow be a family. He's still not sure what he wants and hasn't really made any effort to talk to me since I saw him a couple of days ago and has been quite cold.

I know I'm being an idiot and I know I need to let go, but how am I meant to do that when I'm pregnant with his child and he wants to be involved with the pregnancy and the baby?

If we didn't have the pregnancy it would be so easy to just cut him out and heal and move on, but it's so hard when I know he's going to be involved and when the baby comes he wants to be over a lot to spend time with him/her.

What can I do to detach myself and try to move on from my baby's dad?

OP posts:

RLEOM · 14/10/2019 17:00

It's going to be hard to let go of him, depending on the kind of person you are. My ex and I split up when our baby was 3 months old. 9 months in, I still love him but he's with someone else. It sucks but I'm getting there, feel nearly over him.

It'll be hard, and it's not ideal, but it is what it is. You just have to keep yourself busy and happy.

lyingwanker · 14/10/2019 17:09

To be totally honest I would really really struggle with the idea of having to hand my tiny baby over for contact with dad away from me. So much so I would seriously consider a termination. I know that sounds absolutely terrible but after having 4 children I just couldn't imagine handing a small baby over to anyone and be away from them, I would find it too hard.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 14/10/2019 17:09

The main thing is to stop all sexual contact. It's not impossible from what you say that at some point in future he will see the light as it were and want to be part of a family with you and your child.

That will only happen (or there will only be a real shot at it happening) if you have been strict about not letting a Friends With Benefits on/off situation drag on. If that happens he'll get his cake and eat it. He will never need to choose you because he gets cuddles kisses etc from you and interaction with the baby but at the same time not being officially committed to you, he'll be also dating elsewhere. You will feel you have no right to complain about it because "you aren't together".

On the other hand if you are strict with your boundaries especially about physical contact, he will have to make a choice in future because he won't be able to bank on the on/off sexual contact.

In the short term, fake it til you make it. Play the part of a person who has moved on even if you don't feel like it. Sign up for dating apps -even if you have no intention of seeing anyone right now - it will just put you more in the right mind set.

Original poster

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 14/10/2019 17:16

@lyingwanker (nice username, haha) I won’t be handing my baby over at any costs and have made that clear, not until they’re old enough to be away from me for a couple of days. What he wants to do is come to my house frequently to spend time with him/her, but that means us spending even more time together.

OP posts:

dontgobaconmyheart · 14/10/2019 18:04

Don't sleep with him OP. Judge him on what you have right now, not what you used to have, or what you want. What you have now is a guy that's dumped you when pregnant and is happy to sleep with you when it's on offer and then ghost you afterwards. Sex isn't love OP, it doesn't mean he is swaying back towards anything - especially when he is telling you he isn't and you are lining yourself up for potential long term heartbreak that can be prevented. You don't want him with you if its just doe the baby and you don't need to provide no strings sex to someone who doesn't give a toss about how that might affect you. I wonder if he will wanting sex at all when you are heavily pregnant and it's all a bit more real.

I would do my damndest to rally support around me from friends and family- stop seeing him entirely (other than relevant pregnancy updates) get on with life and my pregnancy and see how interested he actually is when the baby arrives re: maintenance payments and scheduled contact. Lots of people who were together a lot longer manage for their kids in these situations- obviously you can't avoid seeing him if he is to have contact. That doesn't mean you are 'spending time together' or that there need to be blurred lines. It's the only way OP, just because something is hard doesn't mean you can't do it.

Having done what he's done even if he completely changed his mind and wouldn't leap into anything at all before the baby is born - it's a challenging time for the most and in love secure couples. I'd not be bothering with his MIL either, it has very little to do with her and all it's doing is ingratiating you in his life- you've got to remember OP, her objectives here at the end of the day are that she wants to see her grandchild and cares about her son. Just keep a polite distance and update if you like but don't get bogged into it just so she can secure some time with a grandchild.

category12 · 14/10/2019 18:42

Having sex with him was a very bad idea.

lyingwanker · 14/10/2019 19:15

@Idontknowwhattodo2 I'm glad you've thought that far ahead, it's so unfair that you are expected to lose time with your baby through no choice or fault of your own! Is he the type to take you to court to gain more access?

user1481840227 · 15/10/2019 00:57

Don't kiss, cuddle or sleep with him and then allow him to be cold to you, because that's exactly what he'll do again the next time. Your only option is to avoid all of that.

He doesn't need to be involved in your pregnancy at all, and any 'help' he may offer will be to your long term detriment because you won't get over him.

When the baby is born and he's visiting at your house you will be absolutely exhausted. Show him where the babies stuff is and what to do and then go to bed and sleep. You'll be out cold in seconds so will barely need to see him.

user1481840227 · 15/10/2019 01:03

Forgot to add....if he really wants to be with you then there will be none of this not knowing what he wants crap. He will come back and commit properly. He won't do that if he's allowed to act like this now.

And if you let him go now and he doesn't come back promising to commit to a family unit then you'll know that he is not the man for you and would never have appreciated you or made you happy. If he's not sure about you and then you are carrying his child and he's still not sure and doesn't want to commit then good riddance to him!

CannonCaboodle · 15/10/2019 01:05

You sound immature and undecided. You're supposedly done with this person and yet meeting him ends up in "kisses and cuddles" and then "cuddles and sex?"

So which is it? Are you together or are you not? Or is he now just some sort of fuck buddy?

You really don't know what to do? I think you really do.

Drabarni · 15/10/2019 01:17

Do your baby a favour, move away and don't give him PR, he sounds hot and cold now, what's he going to be like when baby arrives.
No way would his name be on the bc.

75Renarde · 15/10/2019 01:50

There are flags here. The biggest us that the MIL is a flying monkey. Shes doing his dirty work.

If you put him in NC then you have done this for a VERY good reason. Stick with that feeling. It will serve you well.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 15/10/2019 04:23

It’s oh so convenient that you announce your pregnancy on FB and suddenly he’s emailing you saying he wants to be involved. It was more like he was ashamed at friends etc judging him for the bastard he is.

You should not have slept with him. He doesn’t want to be with you, but uses the fact that you still have feelings for him to have sex. This isn’t about he’s not sure what he wants, he wants his cake and eat it.

OP, wise up now. Don’t meet with he can contact you by WhatsApp etc. This is your pregnancy...he doesn’t need to be involved with it.

You need to set firm boundaries OP otherwise you will get even more hurt than you already have been.

He is not a nice man. Who dumps their girlfriend of a year because they are pregnant.

Please get some self respect and take back control of this situation.

dangerrabbit · 15/10/2019 09:24

With all the others. Do not have contact with him except to discuss baby once baby is here. If he breaks your heart imagine how he’ll break your precious baby’s heart with his on off behaviour. Keep him off the birth certificate because he sounds the kind to play games using a child.

inlectorecumbit · 15/10/2019 09:35

Please go no contact after one final message telling him that you will be in contact AFTER the baby has arrived. There is no need for him to be involved before then.
Do not have him at the delivery - he has forfeited that right when he decided he didib't want to be with you an l am not sure he will step up when the baby arrives.
Hopefully after 6 months of no contact you will have moved on a bit so that any contact he does have will be less traumatic for you
Look after yourself

JasonPollack · 15/10/2019 09:37

He doesn't need to be "involved in the pregnancy". His part in that is done. If you want to you can let him know how it's going once a month or so but no more than that.

This will give you chance for some headspace before baby is born. And stop bloody sleeping with him! He does not have your best interests at heart and will continue to mess you around if you allow it.

user1481840227 · 17/10/2019 14:02

I personally wouldn't bother to offer to let him know once a month how it's going either. Be very honest with yourself there and if you want to give him pregnancy updates and deep down it's as a way to see if he gives a shit about you, make him think about you, or keep in touch then just don't give him any updates at all. I agree with the earlier poster who said one final text to tell him you'll be in touch after the baby is born is the best way. Cut him out!

Drabarni · 17/10/2019 17:01

I don't get why he needs to be involved at all, he's an ex.
Do you really want him involved, who knows how much he'll let you and the child down.
I can also believe it's his mum who wants to be granny, not the ex wanting to be Daddy. Otherwise he'd have stuck around.
Please do the best for your baby and keep the ex away.

Drabarni · 17/10/2019 17:05

You say you aren't going to hand baby over until you are ready, you won't have a choice if he has PR/ named on birth certificate. He will have equal rights to you, could go to court and give you no end of hassle to do it his way.
I can't believe you slept with him. This may sound harsh but if you are to continue with the pregnancy you need to put baby first and atm you most certainly are not.

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