An open relationship

[Threeisfine]

Name change for this.
Just wanted to see if anyone else is in a similar situation to me. I’m in an consensual open marriage. DH has had girlfriends in the past and I have a girlfriend who I have been with for two years. Our DC are grown up and don’t live at home. The arrangement suits us fine.
I’m only asking because we were out at the weekend and the topic of ‘thruples’ came up. This is not our situation but I was surprised at some of the comments made by others - basically that anyone who wants to live in anything other than a one man one woman relationship is a bit odd, deviant and probably into kinky sex.
I thought as a society we were becoming more accepting of letting people live as it suits them? Am I deluded or do I need new friends?

I'm in a closed heterosexual marriage at the moment but my husband and I are open to other ideas down the line because you never know where life will take you! As long as you are happy, who cares - but I do think society is a loooooong way off from accepting anything other than the status quo in many things.. you have to find the people that will accept you without judgement, or accept their narrow view and love them anyway.. so maybe yes new friends are on the horizon - or maybe you agree to disagree - good luck!

Thanks for that. Our friends don’t know about us (most don’t know that I’m bisexual) and one who has known me longer has laughingly referred to my ‘lesbian phase’. They are not ancient but the attitudes to even homosexual relationships was so sad to listen to. I thought one woman was going to have an attack of the vapours when someone spoke about trans people! Obviously the rural county we live in is not ready for alternative lifestyles yet!

I have had a few friends over the years who were in open relationships. I think it is quite unusual in the sense of not being common - or at least it’s not very common to be open about it. I am a very open minded person and have lots of friends who would be considered quite ‘eccentric’ and I have to admit it was hard for me to get my head around. I think part of that had to do with the struggles said friends had had in their relationships (infidelity which caused a lot of pain, in one case, one partner working in the adult industry, which was a source of stress for the other partner). The answer for then seemed to be to open up their relationships, which in the end, didn’t help any of them. They are all now divorced.

But I think there are certainly circles in which this would not be unusual. If you’re talking your standard suburban middle class heterosexual over 50s, yes, you are probably quite an outlier! I’m just thinking here of my friends who would fall into that demographic.

Do you have friends you know through other couples who might also have open relationships? I know my friends seemed to meet people just dating who they became couple friends with, and I think in that sense it was less isolating.

Trans people are a bit controversial on here also. (My partner is trans)

Our relationship is currently closed but I’ve previously dated and my partner has had a short sexual relationship. I think as long as you’re happy that’s really all that matters. Although it can be hard to come across people in real life who feel the same.

We have some friends from local kink/poly groups and it’s nice to occasionally chat to people who are open minded about alternative lifestyles.

I think that when there is a difference of views, at least one party has to just ‘accept’ the other’s POV.
Usually that’s me... “I think this...you don’t? Ok then, I guess you’re entitled to your opinion.”

In this situation you can either share your opinion and expect for it to be accepted...or sit quiet and accept theirs.

Is the world becoming more accepting of others? I don’t think it is really. I think we just say we accept things to avoid the consequences of being seen as bigoted or discriminatory. I know of a woman who has gay friends, but secretly still thinks it’s weird and unappealing.

My overall conclusion is to just be yourself, enjoy what you want to enjoy and remember...it doesn’t really matter if other people are accepting or not, because it’s none of their business.

Thanks for the responses- feeling less of a social pariah!
@mindutopia spot on with that demographic!
I didn’t really want to talk to our friends about it but their attitudes just saddened me I guess. I thought we had moved on from the days of calling gay men poofs and thinking lesbians just need a good seeing to.

As long as you are both happy, open and honest then what's the harm?

Enjoy!

I'm in a closed heterosexual relationship and as far as I'm aware all but one of my friends are too. The couple that aren't are singers.
Personally I couldn't care less what their/your relationship choices are, as long as you're happy that's all that matters at the end of the day.

It's no one else's business what you get up to in your private life. Personally it's not for me as I don't like to share lol.

It is uncommon I think, but I don’t see an issue as long as everything is consensual and no one is getting hurt or forced into it and so long as all involved are happy with that set up. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at others who enjoy that lifestyle, good on them. I don’t think I could do it though, I’m a tad too jealous! 😂

I think people who are less open to these things tend to come out with these insensitive comments because in reality they don’t know much, if anything, about it.

It’s nobody’s business anyway, live and let live the way you want.

Do your DC know about your and your dh's gf's?

Our DC don’t know about the other women in our lives. DS is a perpetual student so would treat us like a research project and DD is planning her wedding and would probably only worry about seating numbers being changed! Joking apart, we haven’t ever told them or anyone else just because it’s our business. I guess I had a small hope that one day things would change. DC would not be surprised about me and GF - she was my friend long before she was my gf and they both know that my first relationship was with a woman. Not sure how DD would feel about her dad having a gf though as she is a real daddy’s girl.

Yes it seems to be unusual but I guess it depends on your circle.

I'm trying for ethical non-monogamy at the moment - the non-monogamy is not difficult, the ethical is. I've found that I think of my connections as more or less important, but why should other human beings be ranked in that way? A harem is not exactly excitingly new, it's an ancient form of exploitation.

I'm sure in many circles I would still be considered achingly square - I dont do drugs, anal sex for me or quite a lot of other stuff. Theres an element of me having fun shocking my less experimental friends. But who knows what they are up to? Maybe they are MI6 operatives, sleeper terrorists, Opus Dei members or breathtarians? They might just have better boundaries about telling other people. Really me having the odd fuck in a travelodge is not exactly news story of the year.

If you get new friends, you might feel less exciting too...

I have never had nor wanted an open relationship. But l have enjoyed some significant spells in my life as being a sexually active single female (40s now) with a number of special concurrent friendships.

I learned 2 things long ago.

1. You need to combine passion equally with discretion. Go careful what information you share with others.

1. With those most critical of anything other than the 1:1 lifestyle, often hypocracy is the 11th commandment.

1. The ignornorant who do know are likely to calk you names.

Take no notice OP.

Society has brainwashed us (including myself) into thinking monogamous relationships are the norm, when in reality we are animals.

Just do what makes you happy

Goodness me! I can’t type any more. My post above should have referred to 3 not 2 things and No 3 should have read “The ignorant who do know are likely to call you names.”

I have had open relationship type of things and they were relatively ok.

I will say tho that there can be issues in actual threesomes for many people- jealousy, coercion etc- I knew of someone who did a PhD on the issues. It often ends in tears IMO.

-Of course- people who are up for an open relationship are more likely to have -experimented- with kink etc than the average person, because they're more open minded/adventurous.

Can I just say that none of the relationships are based around sex! Myself and DH - been together over half our lives, kids etc. I work long hours, he is semi retired. We get on very well. Lots of cuddles on the sofa, late night films and occasional sex. Myself and GF - long term friendship, weekends away to spa hotels, the odd trip abroad to a lovely city and occasional sex. DH and most recent GF - a shared love of golf and occasional sex.
If anyone has considered this type of relationship then my advice would be to set ground rules that make you all happy and go into it with open eyes and an open mind.

I don't know anyone (that I know of) that's in an open relationship but I like to think I'm pretty accepting of others, generally pro choice as long as no one is hurting other people. I don't think an open relationship is for me though. I'm curious of how you don't get jealous? Imagining my partner being that close to anyone other than me is my worst nightmare. I'd rather be single than share 🙈. I'm not suggesting that monogamy is superior to any other kind of relationship, I'm just genuinely curious as to how people manage these feelings (if they even have them) in open relationships. What if they end up loving someone else more than you? 😱