Anxiety about trying to leave DP

[NameChangeofMyOwn]

I'm not sure where to start. It's tempting to have a big rant, but that isn't very useful.

Essentially I would like to separate from DP. We have a 3yo DD, and we own a 2 bed flat in London. I am trying to work out if I can afford a 1 bed nearby, and have 50/50 custody of DD.

We get on ok, and do things as a family. I would still be keen to coparent actively, go to events together and have dinner as a family often, but living with him is driving me crazy.

Almost everything I say to him, he rolls his eyes. I know that sounds minor but it is so wearing. He's not interested in doing anything together and he thinks my interests are stupid.

He is very untidy and unclean. He smells really bad and I have to ask him to change his shirt in the evening (he cycles to and from work, in the same outfit, and doesn't shower till bedtime). His clothes hanging in the bedroom and the hall smell badly of BO. I mentioned this to him once and he was really angry and didn't do anything about it. Our bed smells sometimes from him not washing properly.

He never does any chores around the house. I don't think he has ever cleaned the toilet. There is often piss on the floor. I know this happens so I asked if he could just give it a wipe occasionally but he never does.

He gets very angry with me for nagging, but if I ask him to do a task he will agree but then not do it. He also gets angry if I then do the task.
We have a dishwasher now but when we didn't I used to have to rewash all the dishes as they were still greasy, but when he saw me doing it he would yell at me so I would do it when he was out.

This was years ago though when he had a drinking problem and he has stopped now.

After I got sick of the drinking (he had been hiding drink, hiding empties around the house, often falling asleep drunk and spilling beer all over the sofa, etc), we essentially broke up. He was on the sofa for a couple of months, even after he sobered up (with medical assistance). Somehow he ended up back in the bed.

We had some counselling. He didn't want to split. He was very angry with me for not having sex with him (this had been a problem for a while, for a bunch of reasons. I am not blameless...but eventually I just didn't want to, and he was never nice about it, just angry. I didn't like kissing him because his breath smelled, and various other things, cos he wasn't clean...). But after a nice Christmas we had sex again, and I had been suggesting it about every 2 weeks since. Essentially to keep him from being angry. I wasn't enjoying it and it was making me feel really sad. It was also always my suggestion, as he stopped initiating years ago because he didn't like me sometimes saying I didn't want to.

But then recently he said he didn't like it, that I was obviously just going through the motions. This is true. But when he used to periodically yell at me for not having sex with him, he would say i should just do it, to make him happy. But apparently I didn't do well enough.

I can tell he's angry that I've not suggested it since he said that, but I really don't want to. I'm not attracted to him and he's not nice to me. Him touching me makes me feel really nasty.

We do get on as friends and enjoy chatting and watching TV together. I think we could be successful co-parents. He could move on and meet someone new, and I could get some space. But I worry if I suggest it he will be angry. Previously he had said he wouldn't accept not living with DD full time, and implied he would go to court. I don't want that.

Sorry. I don't know what I'm asking. I just feel sick. I'm nervous. I want what's best for DD, and I know it would be hard for such a little one to have parents in two homes, but this is no way to live.

We are very equal on childcare tbh.

He's very involved and good with DD.

The flat was tiiiiny. And so expensive. It's hard to know what's the right thing to do!

That might sound petty, but I'm anxious about making a bad investment if I'm going to be standing on my own two feet.

Please get everything organised before to tell him anything .

And he can’t see your Dd “ almost every day “. If you let him see her at your house then he will use that opportunity to go on abusing you.

He needs to have Dd at his own place. You need to work out what is best for your DD and not what will make your husband feel least angry . I’m concerned that his abuse is making you lose sight of her needs.

Why do you think that living with him for half the week would be best for her? How do you see that working - would you have the same days each week and split the weekend?

And no of course you must be very careful about money, it’s not petty to want to be able to support your child and have a reasonable standard of living.

Could you move to a less expensive area ?

I would like to stay in the area for her nursery and my support network, as well as ease of access for her dad.

I had thought we could have dinner together in the evenings and things. I like chatting with him, I just can't live with him...

I’m sorry, you are in cloud coo-coo land if you think you can leave an abuser and still be friends.

Abuse is about control and by leaving him you are proving to THE WORLD that he can’t control you.

And you messing up his life in a major way - he will have to do all his own housework and cooking AND go part time at work to care for his DD.

You need to be realistic here. Sorry if I sound harsh .

Actually I left my ex when our son was small and we are now friends, but it took a looooong time (5+ years) to get to that point. His behaviour was almost identical to everything you have written OP. The only difference is the house was in his name as it was easier to leave as he didn't have to sell up. Leaving was very scary but so worthwhile.

In case you are curious, my ex is now even more disgusting with personal hygiene than he was when we were together. His house is a dump. i am so glad I have my own space which is clean and pleasant, we mostly 50/50 it, more like 60/40 maybe. I often have to clean DSs room at his to make it nice for him. My ex will never change. He drives me mad but I feel sorry for him as he clearly has some mental health problems and I try and weigh up the importance of a cordial and kind friendship (and DS seeing that) vs some drawn out bitter dispute. I could cheerfully throttle him on a monthly basis but we do get on pretty well mostly.

Leave leave leave! You will be SO glad you did. He sounds gross and just... bleugh. I have been there. I promise you will not regret leaving.

Thanks guys.

I do hear what you're saying, but I also know how I feel I need to approach this. So be gentle with me as I try.

I do think we could be friends. He has been abusive in the past, yes (though never physically), though this has improved with him stopping drinking and getting help for anxiety. That's no excuse, of course.

He already realises he has less power over me so is not nasty any more. The eye rolling is as bad as it gets these days, though it still wears me down.

I will keep working on it. I appreciate your support. And I know it's what I'd be saying to a friend in this position.

I do see my parents in this a bit though. My dad was quite shitty to my mum, but once she was free he had no power (not that he was nasty in the same way) and they could coparent fine. I hope for something similar.

My dad is also a slob, though in different ways. Ha!

Of course you must do it your own way Op, all we can do is tell you how it looks from outside and give advice based on our own perspective.

I suggest you hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I suspect that, like @RhubarbTea’s ex, he will still find a way to control you.

Hey all,

I spoke to DP about this last night.

I'm not sure I have the energy for a full update.

The first thing I will say is the property company were really nice. It was the last 1 bed property and they let me reserve it for two weeks while I try and sort things out, without paying the £500 fee. They also sent me a bunch of links to charities like Refuge and things -- I don't think that is necessary, but i thought it was amazing of them especially as I didn't say anything like what i've said here. Just that I wanted to leave and had to time the conversation well and was nervous.

But I brought it up last night with DP. Initially he was quiet and sad, and we had quite a constructive conversation about it. However when he realised I need my equity from the mortgage he was more confident.

He says that's not how remortgaging works and we can't get that money back without selling our place, which I don't want to do. It's DD's home and that is the most important thing.

He also said he can't afford our place on his own, which I thought was weird if I can afford a 1 bed, though I would have been having to be frugal to make ends meet, and I guess he isn't willing to (cos it's not what he wants).

He said it would be bad for DD and she would be sad. I disagreed, obviously. I said she would be happier if we are happy.

I really don't know what he wants. Not that I am trying to give him what he wants...but surely he would rather move on and meet someone new.

We talked a bit about the sex stuff and honestly it was insane. Like, I said I'd tried and he said it was in bad faith... a bunch of crap.

I think I will try and get us back to the counsellor so we can have this conversation with him as that was much more productive last time.

What he wants is for nothing to change. He continues to be abusive and dirty and lazy and for you to put up with it all. The end.

Yes I suppose so.

I had been out last night with a friend (not late, just a movie with an old friend from work, home before 9) and he made some comment about coming home early so I can do what I want (he did, and I appreciate it) but then was like "and I only have your word for it who you were seeing". That rings alarm bells with me, I hate that shit.

Ok, it's DD's home, but imagine her grown-up, and finding out that you stayed in an unhappy marriage for her sake. I'm not sure she'd want that responsibility.

She is young still: it will be a lot of upheaval for her and she will feel it strongly - and then it will be over and she will have adjusted.

You sound so weary, and that's no surprise - there is no ideal solution here, just making the best of a bad situation. If you're going to go to a mediator (did you mean that rather than counsellor? Or are you thinking you should stay because he won't agree to the end of the relationship?), make sure you know what you want before you go. I think your mindset at the moment is more "do most of what he wants so he'll mostly be happy" and that isn't going to get you anywhere except stuck right there.

You outgrew each other. You see his faults whereas before you were blind. Don’t waste your life in a place where you aren’t happy

I have updates on this. Not positive.
Not awful, just no change.

I'll try and find the time to write it up soon. Sorry for disappearing. Had a great weekend at the FiLiA conference.

Glad you enjoyed the conference. Hopefully it will have given you some courage for the next steps.

I know it’s not easy, it’s not what you planned for yourself and DD. It’s hard to let go of the hope that somehow you can make it work.

I've been meaning to update this for weeks, but it's been an emotionally exhausting time and I've been sort of explaining it to the few friends who know, and it always felt too big to write out. So sorry if this is…brief or staccato.

I plucked up the courage to speak to DP. I told him I wanted to move out, how close the flat was, that I’d been provisionally approved for a mortgage, but that I needed my deposit back, and I hoped he could get that when remortgaging here (and with his savings, as I know he has quite a bit).

He was sad and quiet until he realised I couldn’t do it without his cooperation. He said he couldn’t afford to do that, was not minded to spend his savings on a stupid idea that I wanted, and that he couldn’t afford this place alone (I think he could, though on a different mortgage set up). I asked him to look into it. He later wrote to me saying he won’t, and implying/saying that if I moved out he would be pushed financially and might have to think about moving North (his home town) with DD, and that I could follow if I wanted. I don’t want to move there and I couldn’t find a job in that town (in my field, so that paid more than hospitality or basic admin [both fine jobs to do]).

We’ve since spoken a few times. I try to make it clear I see our relationship as over. I said I had tried, as he had asked when we last saw a counsellor. He had asked me to just try having sex. I did. Every week or two from last Christmas till recently. Sometimes I enjoyed it, but mostly I saw it as something I was doing to keep him happy. But I didn’t feel he had tried to do the things I had asked (be cleaner about the house and not roll his eyes at everything I say. Also watch movies and TV together. We had sex about 10 times more often than we watched a film – I love films. I know I’m nerdy, but I’m ok with me).
He said I didn’t try hard enough. That I wasn’t really trying. That it was obvious I didn’t really want to have sex, I wouldn’t kiss him and didn’t like foreplay. This is true. It made me feel horrible.
I said I tried.
He said again something about getting enjoyment out of someone else liking something. I said I do understand that but it’s a give and take thing and only really works when a relationship is good.
He said something about how he had sometimes had sex with people when he didn’t really want to, out of duty or to please them. I get that in long term relationships (happy ones) that can happen. This felt different.
He said something else. I wish I could remember the wording because I instantly burst into simultaneous laughter and tears. He was suggesting that I needed to really commit to enjoying having sex with him, basically, and that I was acting in bad faith and needed to try harder for the rest of my life. But it was phrased…god I wish I could recall.

He seems to finally understand I want to break up, but of course that means he’s been angry, extra eye-rolling etc. The tension in the house is awful.

We are trying to arrange to see the counsellor we liked again. I hope he can defuse some of the tension while we talk, and maybe make DP see that the way he is talking is…hurtful.

That’s my update.
In personal news I’ve started drinking again (not a lot, just a pint sometimes) and have been gambling (just lotto and scratch cards) to try and get the money to break free. I realise neither of these is wise.

You need legal advice and fast. How is the current property owned, tenants in common or???

I would get a prohibitive steps in place so he cannot take DD to live "up north". You may have to force sale of the property.

How do current finances work?

We have separate finances but a joint account for bills etc, which we pay into basically proportionately for our incomes.