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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don’t think I can do this

19 replies

Junglejools · 14/10/2019 14:44

Hi,
I’ve name changed for this but I am a regular poster. Please try and stick with me as I explain the back story as I’m shit at explaining things 🙈
I have a dd who’s nearly 4. Got out of an abusive relationship 2 years ago, my ex who was a “functioning alcoholic” with a coke problem.
I left him as I had put up with appalling treatment and I didn’t want my dd witnessing that life. He was evil and had ground me down to the floor. I am still on antidepressants but I am so much better.
We had nothing and had to start again just me and her. I gave up a career (couldn’t go back as it was travelling around a lot) to be a SAHM. We don’t have much and what we do have I’ve struggled for but we are happy. I don’t get maintenance so we are surviving on what little savings I have and help from my family.
She is starting school next year so I have been looking to retrain in something what can fit around school hours.

My mum offered to have dd once a fortnight so I could have a break and I ended up meeting a guy through mutual friends. We dated for about 3 months, nothing serious just cinema dates, nights in etc. I ended it last week as I felt there was still something going on with him and his ex. I was seeing him late at night, he was leaving first thing in the morning. All the red flag signs and I just couldn’t be bothered with the drama.

Fast forward to now and I’ve just done a pregnancy test as I’m a couple of days late. We were careful so I was just doing it for peace of mind really it expecting it to be positive - it was.
I’m in total shock, I can’t stop crying and I really just need a hand hold and some advice. I don’t have the money to raise another child but I don’t think I could have an abortion. I just really don’t know what to do. How would I survive? Has this happened to anyone?
I know a baby is a blessing but I’m so so scared that Im not going to be able to do this emotionally and financially.
Sorry for the rabble I just can’t really talk to anyone just yet x

OP posts:

BillHadersNewWife · 14/10/2019 15:08

It's ok...you can do whatever you like OP....having a baby will not be as awfully hard second time around....one because you're not with an abusive wanker and two because you've been there and done that.

You can still retrain. Have the baby and find out about childcare support which you WILL be entitled to.

What were you thinking of training in?

Congratulations too.

Original poster

Junglejools · 14/10/2019 15:21

Thankyou for replying.
I know in hindsight it will be a lot easier in that sense as it will just be me and my babies and no horrible human.
I’m really worried about the money side of things, I literally gave all my daughters baby stuff ie cot/pushchair/crib etc to charity so I would have to start from scratch. And I don’t have that kind of money.
I was wanting to get into education but I’m 33 already. By the time I’ve had this baby is anyone even going to want to employ me after being out of work so long?
I’m just so scared and have so many questions. X

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2019 15:39

I don’t have the money to raise another child but I don’t think I could have an abortion
Unfortunately OP it's pretty much one or the other.
If a few days late then termination is very easy (not mentally obviously) so if you are going down that route then the sooner the better.
But..... you also have time to consider your options.
Think about the impact on your life.
On the life of your DD.
Listen to your head and your heart and discuss your options with someone before making any decisions.

Original poster

Junglejools · 14/10/2019 17:57

I’m really struggling to think about it. It just hasn’t sunk in yet

OP posts:

rvby · 14/10/2019 18:05

A baby isnt always a blessing op. The idea that they are always wonderful etc is a misogynist idea that can, and has, ruined many women's and children's lives.

If I were you I would 100% have an abortion.

I'm not saying that to tell you that not having an abortion is wrong. Just to show you it is ok to not want to do this.

Wishing you clarity and strength.

Smellbellina · 14/10/2019 18:11

Hi OP, I was in a similar position, I had the baby as I didn’t feel able to abort. He arrived when I was 32. I did my PGCE when I was 35 and got a teaching job the following Sept.
I was lucky in that I have supportive parents. I think you just need to do what you feel is right for you, there isn’t really a right or wrong answer.

RLEOM · 14/10/2019 18:11

Personally, I'd find out how far gone I was before opting for an abortion, but that's my opinion as I don't think I could go through with one anywhere after 6/7 weeks pregnant.

If you have the baby, you will be able to get back on the career ladder. When baby turns 2, you could use your 15 free hours of childcare and volunteer somewhere for work experience or train to be something else or get a simple job just to ease you back into working.

Would you be willing to discuss it with your ex before you make a decision?

Original poster

Junglejools · 14/10/2019 18:53

Thankyou all for your replies! I don’t feel so alone when dealing with this as I don’t really want to talk to anyone about it just yet.
My head is telling me that this is just the wrong time and I would be forever struggling, but then my heart is telling me that is there ever a right time and things happen for a reason.
How do you make a decision like this? I feel so guilty even thinking about the worst.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2019 19:11

I'm sorry you're going through this, but now is definitely the wrong time to have another baby who will most likely have an absent father. You are barely keeping your head above water and your family is financially supporting you at age 33. How many more years do you expect them to keep doing this? Having this baby doesn't just effect you, there's a whole circle of people impacted by this decision. If you were financially stable and independent, I'd say go for it, but you're not. Not by a million miles.

Only you can make this decision, but I think you need to take everything into account and think very thoughtfully.

Smellbellina · 14/10/2019 19:13

I did find the pregnancy really tough, it was hard doing everything for DC, working and being pregnant. Plus I knew there would be some parents at the school gate raising eyebrows. But the moment he I was over the moon. I suppose the problem is there are no guarantees x

sunshiney78 · 14/10/2019 19:57

If you didn’t already have a DC on your own, maybe. 2 DC on your own without being financially stable, no.

Original poster

Junglejools · 14/10/2019 22:26

This tough talk is exactly what I’m needing right now so thankyou.
Also, do I tell him? He is keen to try and sort things between us but I don’t want too.

OP posts:

Platypusmama · 14/10/2019 22:46

OP it’s a very tough place to be in, I fell pregnant with my dd after only 3 weeks and almost went through with an abortion. I got as far as the clinic and couldn’t go through with it, I guess that kind of decided the situation for me. You have a tougher decision because you are on your own, but you sound like an amazing mum, I think if it’s something you want, do it.

Baby stuff can be bought second hand. Baby’s don’t need a whole pile, you kind of go crazy with your first and then realise that baby’s don’t need 70% of it here’s looking at you baby hammock

I took a year out with dd, and am now studying 3 days a week as similar to you I travelled a lot with my job. Dd is in nursery 3 days as well, I have a bursary that pays for her childcare as well as my travel. It’s definitely doable if it’s what you want, saying that though do not feel forced into it through guilt. You can only do what’s best for you and your mental health.

DonKeyshot · 14/10/2019 23:20

Your situation is very different from that of Platypusmama in that you already have a child and, imo, the needs of that child trump yours.

Poor and happy is an enviable state, but will you be as happy with another child to care for while knowing that you've resigned or condemned yourself and your offspring to poverty for at least another 3-4 years or so until you can retrain?

Will your family be as supportive of you having 2 dc as they are with your only child?

It sounds as if your ex's affections are engaged elsewhere and what you had with him was little more than a FWB arrangement. As you've said, red flags were waving and you couldn't be doing with the 'drama' so why would you wish to revisit, or get sucked back into, that when you don't have to tell him anything.

This is a time to think with your head as following your heart could be disastrous for you and your dd. Men can, and do, make all sorts of promises and renege on them while women are left literally holding the baby.

If I were you I would send this potential child back and ask it to come again when you are in a position to give it the life it deserves.

KellyHall · 14/10/2019 23:34

If you get benefits, you'd probably be entitled to a maternity grant of a few hundred pounds to buy baby stuff and with eBay/Gumtree/Facebook marketplace it is possible to get things cheaply.

The non-financial cost would be much greater, for you, for your dd, for everyone you currently rely on.

Bear in mind too that the next baby:

may not be healthy
may be disabled
may just be really demanding

What would any of those things do to your life with dd?

RueCambon · 14/10/2019 23:46

Have a termination.dont make life this hard. And it will be hard. Your mum gave you a break when you had one child but she might be afraid to give you a break when you have two children.
Not everybody regrets having a termination.

0lga · 14/10/2019 23:50

Sorry to hear about your situation OP.

However another poster upthread said you had to keep the baby or have an abortion, that’s your only choices.

That’s not the case. Other options would be to place the baby for adoption, either with family members of you or baby’s father, or with strangers. Both of these would be through social services.

Or baby’s father might want to raise him / her.

None of these are easy options I know, there’s never an easy choice with an unwanted pregnancy. But I wanted to point out that these choices exist and they are the right ones for some women.

Do you have someone in RL you can chat this all through with ? You must be reeling in shock and you need some support.

CatpissEverdine · 15/10/2019 00:10

What an awful dilemma for you. I had an abortion at 33 years old. I already had one small child and because I found out early on I was able to have a medical termination. To me, it was a huge relief as I was able to focus on my child and I also knew I was in an unhappy and unsupportive relationship. I went on to have two more children later on, I regret nothing. Whatever you decide, assume you will be alone and not involve the 'father'. You do what is right for your existing child and for you

outherealone · 15/10/2019 00:43

Oh poor you. What a dilemma. Bottom line is: do you want a baby? If you do, everything will fall into place. If you don’t want it you can have a termination. Please consider talking about it to maybe the abortion counsellor if nhs still offers them. I’m a single mum. I have no famil support but a decent ex husband. Struggle a lot but it’s also very rewarding. I have lots of single mum friends, three with recent accidental babies. It’s not easy but they’re all so happy with their babies and I get jealous and broody. I also know two women who had abortions this year because it was not the right time for them.
Make yourself a pros and cons list talk it through with people, good luck whatever you decide x

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