What if he wants children?...

[Meggymoo777]

Looking for a little advice or some opinions – I have been seeing a really wonderful man for nearly 1 year. Things have been going really well and while we have taken things slowly, I could see this being long term all going well. I have a 10yr old from previous relationship who he has yet to be introduced to.

I know that I am done having children, my son was a ‘wonderful surprise’, I considered all options very seriously when I found out I was pregnant but decided to go ahead with the pregnancy having been put at ease and promised the sun, moon and stars by his father – none of which materialised of course and my son's father is the bane of my existence to this day. Besides not actually being interested in having more children, I genuinely don’t think I would ever trust another man enough again to have more children. I have been requesting tubal ligation for the last 7 years (hormonal contraception has awful side effects) but they refuse to consider me until I am over 35yrs. I will be gifting myself the procedure for my 35th birthday and can’t wait! Basically…. I’m 110% sure I am done with kids!

I have spoken to my bf about the fact that I will never have more children. I think at the start he had a really casual “You can never be sure what the future brings” type attitude but I spoke with him again recently and made sure that he was 100% clear on the fact that I won’t ever change my mind. I asked if he had any idea at this stage whether children would be something he would want and he does not really know. He is slightly younger than me and studying at the moment so I can understand why it is almost impossible for him to definitively decide at this stage that he does/does not want children years down the line. His social circle do seem to be the marrying/babies type, I do also think his family would be the type to be disappointed if he were to end up with a single mom and have no children of his own.

I guess my worry is this – our relationship continues to progress really well, maybe he is introduced to my son, maybe we think about living together in a few years…. And then he decides that children is something that he really wants and it all falls apart – I’m left heartbroken, my son upset and my bf (and I) have wasted X number of years together and he has to start again to find someone to settle down and have children with.

I know that maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much so early on and should just relax a bit and enjoy the relationship as it progresses, but I also don’t want to wait until we have been together for another 2 or 3 or 5 years.

Aside from getting him to sign a contract promising he will never want kids () how do I move forward without being worried and nervous of taking any sort of serious steps in our relationship i.e. meeting my son, becoming closer with each others families?

Come on people! I know someone has some amazing advice for me!!!

Tell him you're seriously considering ending the relationship because you think he's going to want kids and you don't want to lead him on on that score. His response will sort the future out I think.

If you didn't have a child, I would say enjoy your relationship, and if you're accepting of the fact that it may end someday due to him wanting children, let things progress. However, there IS a child a involved, so what affects you affects him. This is a really tough call, and given nine of us have a crystal ball, it's impossible to see the future. I also wonder if he really believes you definitely don't want another child. If he's banking on you changing your mind, he's going to be sorely disappointed.

You will need to have another chat.

My boyfriend is childless while I have a 7 year old DD. Honestly, I am content just having my daughter but I know he wants a child.

It is difficult, because I think it will become a issue in the future. I am more open to the idea of another child than you but all you can do is have another conversation and lay out all your fears.

Can you ever be sure though? He could promise now (and really mean it) that he never wants children but then change his mind in 5 years time.

You have been honest with him and that's really all you can do. Is it possible he may change his mind 5 years from now and decide he wants kids, sure. But it's also possible you will have broke up by then for other reasons anyway.

Is it worth the risk? I'd say yes. Because any man could realistically be the same.

You could ask him one last time to really consider it before commuting yo this relationship going forwards. But even then he may still change his mind 5, 10, 15 years down the line.

Every relationship carries the risk of end and heartbreak. Thats just life. Risk it or don't.

*commitment to

You have been open with him from the start. You are both taking a risk.

You are risking that he will decide he wants kids, it’s a deal breaker and end your relationship. You are also risking that you get sterilised and then regret it.

He’s risking that he might change his mind and want them and you don’t. He’s also risking that he WONT change his mind and you will and so you will end it.

You are both taking exactly the same risk as everyone else who enters into a serious relationship. Because most relationships end because someone changed their mind about something.

So either live with this , or don’t get involved with anyone.

I agree that you need to be clear with your BF as soon as you can.

I too am in an almost 1 year relationship, with my own 10 year old. Luckily we are a bit older than you and my BF has his own kids. However the discussion has been had that we aren’t wanting any more kids - we don’t even want to be more serious than we are now for a very long time to come (we realised yesterday that neither of us has so much as a toothbrush at the other’s house!).

But the kids have met us and each other - all v close in age - and we spend no more than a couple of hours every other weekend (if at all) together doing something fun. It’s good to know what you want - we have gold plated contraception and were frank and open about things from very early on.

However the fact your chap has none of his own may need careful handling and utmost honesty from you - perhaps even bluntness as a PP said: “I don’t want any more children, I am having tubal ligation very soon: I am deadly serious about that and if you see children of your own in your future, then it’s best to knock this on the head now before you meet my child and things get messy and sad”.

I know that maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much so early on and should just relax a bit and enjoy the relationship as it progresses, but I also don’t want to wait until we have been together for another 2 or 3 or 5 years.

Actually this is exactly the type of serious issues you should be thinking about at this stage of your relationship. A couple needs to be on the same page and if you are not, then what's the point? He shouldn't lead you on since he isn't sure he wont want kids (understandable..and its almost certain he will.). You have decided you wont have anymore and I understand that too (Believe you me, I do).

So since it seems like he doesn't want to have this conversation as a definite, you either insist on having the conversation and he tells you he is likely to want kids, you can decide to continue and separate when the time comes or end it and spare everyone the heartbreak.
OR you decide on your own that he will likely want it and just end it for everyone's sake or continue or end later when the time comes.

The question isn't will he want kids or not because he will, the question is do you want to end it now or later or do you think you will change your mind.

“I don’t want any more children, I am having tubal ligation very soon: I am deadly serious about that and if you see children of your own in your future, then it’s best to knock this on the head now before you meet my child and things get messy and sad”.

Thanks so much for all the replies everyone, glad to see that this probably isn't too early to be thinking or worrying about this!

Its the above quote I suppose isn't it? I'll have to have another talk to him and just be as blunt and honest as that quote above. I'll be incredibly sad if this becomes a deal breaker, he's been incredible to me and for me but I guess it's better to find out sooner rather than later.