Should I let my DH deal with his OCD/anxiety himself and stop helping him?

[PunchBall]

My DH has got OCD/anxiety/depression. I am desperate for my DH to be well and have tried to support him as much as I can. However he seems to work against me instead of trying to work as a team.

He doesn’t work and I’ve had to take sick leave from work with stress. I have to do everything for him. He can’t go to the toilet, wash his hands, get dressed, make food or drink - all due to the OCD. He can’t do anything for himself. I also have DC to look after (school aged). I have to supervise and reassure him at every stage. If I don’t (and I’ve tried not to) he will just freeze FOR HOURS. I end up giving in to keep the peace as I don’t want him distressed & angry with DC around.

We have an action plan to fight the OCD but we don’t get far. I believe he needs medication but he won’t take it because of the fear of feeling sick, increased anxiety etc.
The NHS have been useless, no help at all.

The thing is he keeps arguing with me. Apparently I’m supposed to know the right thing to do and he’s still ill because I’ve failed to help him properly.

I’ve told him that I am NOT a mind reader. If he wants my help and support he needs to tell me HOW.

I think he should take responsibility for himself and ask for any support he needs. Is that wrong?

We’ve had another big argument earlier as he needed to wake up for a therapist appointment. I should have woken him up on time and now he will have to cancel. It was on Skype so doesn’t have to leave the house. He can still take the call, he’s just making an excuse not to. I also asked him last night if he wanted me to wake him up, he said no. Apparently I should have done so regardless.

Am I wrong in expecting him to wake himself up or at least ASK me for help if he needs it?

He is so confused and making me confused. He wants to be better but then sabatages every attempt.

I’ve now said I’m not helping him anymore and he needs to take his own action. I’ve helped him for 3 years with no thanks. I know this is not AIBU, but should I just leave him to it?

The NHS have been useless, no help at all

or he won't accept the help that's offered? Has he been offered antidepressants or a referral to IAPT for CBT?

Yes we went to a few appointments at IAPT. I was with him and they were truly dismissive. They actually said ‘what do you want us to do’, as he’d already had private therapy.

I wanted IAPT to explore his medication refusal further but they just smiled brightly and said ‘OK then’ ☹️ and sent us on our way.

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Given his level of need, consider contacting your local adult social care department for support. You are his carer if he cant do his own personal care, meals or go out by himself then that is significant. He may need more help than you can offer. The other option is to ask him to move out until he is proactively engaged in recovery - this would be better if he has family or close friend he can stay with.

IAPT is for people with mild to moderate MH issues whereas your DH clearly has a greater problem. Contact his GP for a referral to the Community Mental Health Team.

The challenge is that ultimately to recover he needs to face his fears and you need to not reassure him. Easier said then done I know but I think if it wasn’t even heading in that direction (no matter how slowly) anyone would struggle to provide the support

The thing with the NHS is, really, that they are neither equipped nor resourced to convince people to engage with treatment. Your DH is basically not engaging with treatment at all, and no health service, private or public, can do anything while that is the case.

Yes tbh, it might seem hardhearted but I would leave him to it. He's being unreasonable, he's not doing anything to get better, and the demands on you are essentially those of a full-time carer, which it's not at all clear it's actually the best thing for him to have that kind of support - he essentially has no reason to try and get better. Also your children have to come first - what kind of environment is this for them to grow up in? Who's going to keep the show on the road, feed, house and care for them when you fall over?

I think you should actually consider separating. Your children can't live this way. Your husband has choices; your DC don't.

Maybe you could contact Mind for advice? They might be able to point you in a direction. This sounds exhausting and it isn’t fair of your husband to make you feel responsible for his mental health.

Your DH is refusing to engage with treatment and is therefore actively choosing to live this way. You, however, can choose not to. Your DC have no choice at all, so you must make the best choice for them. Your DH certainly won't.

I have OCD, anxiety and depression. The OCD started when I was a child and I am now 47. Married with 2 children. I am responsible for my own treatment and maintenance of my condition. I would never ask my dh for help with this.

You cannot continue to live like this with no hope of any improvement. I would hate to think that I inflict my illness on my children and would never let it affect them in any way - although have only recently overcome my anxiety related to flying.

I don't know whether you need to give him some sort of ultimatum - seek some sort of treatment whether medication or counselling because you cannot continue in this lifestyle. This is miserable not just for him but for you and your children.