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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help ..... is my wife having an affair

21 replies

Anotherdadof2 · 14/10/2019 13:56

This is on my mind too much and I can’t figure it out

Been married for many years and in late 30s with 2 growing kids and relationship had always been quite solid..... a few minor ups and downs but the last few years it’s drifted a bit with conflicting views on a few points and although we work the family well our physical relationships has been a bit more of a duty for my wife, probably too much pressure from me and now the intimacy has come to a complete halt.

I’m worried she may be looking or involved with someone else .... physically or emotionally I don’t know.

She goes out quite a lot to various events with her friends which seems to keep her happy ...... but the other evening and late I was coming home from quickly filling the car as I had an early start on the road the next morning and saw her driving with another man in her car earlier than she would normally be back. It was close to an hour later that she got home....I did confront her not telling her I had seen her and she eventually told me she had been picking and dropping a friend off who didn’t drive and hadn’t wanted to tell me as she didn’t want to think I would get upset.

She said it was only a quick drop off and pick up and never more than a few minutes but I know it was close to an hour and she swore it wasn’t. I don’t think this is the first time like this.

I want to let this go but it plays on my mind

What should I do

OP posts:

ilovetoenails134fulwoodacademy · 14/10/2019 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 14:42

I don’t think anyone can tell you either way. What you’ve described could be entirely innocent.

peachescariad · 14/10/2019 14:46

There is nothing in your message to suggest she is having an affair. Sounds like you don't trust your wife.

timeforachange123 · 14/10/2019 15:11

she didn’t want to think I would get upset.
Would she actually think this?
Would you get upset if your wife gave a lift to a friend?

KUGA · 14/10/2019 15:29

Sorry but it does sound iffy.
If it was innocent why would she not tell you ?.
You need to ask her outright or follow her.

Oakmaiden · 14/10/2019 15:34

What you’ve described could be entirely innocent.

But, let's face it, probably isn't. Affair or no affair, what the OP has posted sounds a lot like a marriage in trouble.

I think you need a frank and open conversation with your wife about how she and you are feeling about your marriage, and where you both want to go from here. I know it is easy to just let things rumble on and be unhappily married but not really thinking about it to much, but that isn't really in anyone's interests. It could be you are both unhappy, but if you discuss it will find that you both want to turn it back into a happy marriage and can work on that together.

I really need to take my own advice here, too...

ExcitedForFuture · 14/10/2019 15:39

So have you actually spoken to your wife about the state of your marriage or have you been happy to let things just plod along?

Only she knows if she's having an affair. Sounds like she has already checked out of your marriage. I did the same. Ex knew things weren't right but chose not to address any of it. You need a proper discussion.

Original poster

Anotherdadof2 · 14/10/2019 16:15

Maybe I am over wondering this thinking the worst. We have talked about when I saw her last week and it was a shock. Maybe I need to talk more about us. Maybe a weekend of golf to give me some time to think . Thanks for the replies

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/10/2019 18:30

So you're first instinct when worried your wife has disengaged and might be having an affair is to bugger off for a weekend to play golf?? Really? not to arrange some time together to talk? But to completely disengage from your family? Is this something you do a lot?

Twillow · 14/10/2019 18:34

Maybe a weekend of golf to give me some time to think

Original poster

Anotherdadof2 · 14/10/2019 18:36

no very rarely. It’s not buggering off at all but I need time to clear my thoughts and approach this in the right way

OP posts:

coconuttelegraph · 14/10/2019 18:41

Does your wife get to go away for a weekend when she needs to clear her thoughts? Or are you joking?

Divebar · 14/10/2019 18:41

Oh Lord. Do you ever actually do anything with your wife? Do you ever go places together because I have to say that if I didn’t arrange social events absolutely nothing would happen in my relationship. Going to play golf all weekend as a response to this concern would communicate to me that you gave zero shits.

ExcitedForFuture · 14/10/2019 19:00

Ah, a weekend of free time for you to think. Says it all about your priorities. I'm not surprised your wife has seemingly checked out.

Original poster

Anotherdadof2 · 14/10/2019 19:03

Don’t say I was going away + I’ve never been away for an entire weekend. It was a maybe I need to along with other things I said I need to do. Yes i do organise social events and family event . Yes it’s not like it used to be and yes maybe I need to take a look at what I’ve done to cause this if anything has happened . Yes I know there is a problem and I want to fix it

OP posts:

Divebar · 14/10/2019 19:21

Ok sorry if I sounded tough but saying maybe I should go to play golf sounded a little bit weird. I don’t think you should look at it from the point of view of you causing anything. Your relationship is a result of behaviour by both of you. I don’t think you’ve come to the point you have as a result of only your actions. Of course you need to be honest with yourself about your own contribution but you can only resolve problems as a couple

Original poster

Anotherdadof2 · 14/10/2019 19:29

Thanks yes probably not best comment from me and I wouldn’t go anywhere it was more that I need to have a clear head so this is approached correctly

OP posts:

Sally2791 · 14/10/2019 19:37

I think your time would be better spent on listening to your wife. Really listening. Clearly things aren’t right and golf isn’t going to fix it.

Original poster

Anotherdadof2 · 14/10/2019 19:40

Yes thanks sally

OP posts:

AusFrosty · 14/10/2019 21:35

You will get a certain perspective on this site. If a woman had posted a similar story, 100% there would be screams to lawyer up and divorce.

Random internet people can’t tell you for certain if she’s having an affair or not...but

Listen to your instinct- you will subconsciously pick up on non verbal clues - if something doesn’t feel right there’s usually a reason.

Your wife wasn’t open with you - if it were 100% innocent, why wouldn’t she mention giving a friend a lift home? And then try to convince you it was only a few minutes? Sounds shady.

Anyhoo - advice is to sit her down and talk to her - say you have noticed increasing distance in the relationship- ask her “are we good?” - be present- don’t accuse- but don’t be afraid to be open about how you are feeling

Maybe ask to meet these friends- in particular the man she gives a lift home to - see what her reaction is - if it’s unabashed horror then you have a problem.

Original poster

Anotherdadof2 · 14/10/2019 22:11

Thanks . can’t believe we ever got to this stage . Heart to heart now to try and get us back . If she has had an affair it’s something I may have to deal with and admit it’s probably part me that drove it there and hope we can recover

OP posts:

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