Posting for a friend - She's not sure if she's in the wrong?

[MyFriendIsNotOnMN]

My friend isn't on Mumsnet but knows I am, so has asked me to post this for her. Obviously I have my own opinion, but she'd like some outsider's perspectives.

I am c&p'ing her words:

"I left my husband in June. We have two children ages 8 and 11. I left because he was emotionally abusive and controlling and after 10 years I had had enough.

However, I never wanted us to turn into a feuding couple who couldn’t communicate over the kids.

We own the house together so I agreed to keep paying half the mortgage, pay towards bills and I offered to look after our kids every day he was at work. I work full time so that means I had to make sure I work from home on those days every week.
It’s been going okayish. No major issues.

In August he met a new woman who has two little ones, around 6 and 8 I think. I genuinely have no issue with him dating as I’m not interested in him at all - but I asked him not to involve any of the children (ours or hers) Cos they met on Instagram and have known each other for about 9 weeks.

We agreed we would discuss and talk about everything but since the new girlfriend, he basically does what he likes and tells me nothing. We have shared access with kids. First time he did was tell the kids he had a new GF in September before even telling me or discussing it. I would have preferred him not to tell them yet incase it breaks down. Then last week he told them they were going to meet her soon and again, we had not discussed this and I had infact said that it’s too early and he needs to stop rushing and involving our kids. He said he had already met her kids and they are ‘going out as a family’ which raised alarm bells.

Yesterday after a lovely few days together, I took the kids back to my old house where my husband still is. Pulled up and there was a car in the drive and he was stood outside so I couldn’t pull in. He told me the new girlfriend was inside ready to meet the kids and I went absolutely berserk. I am ashamed of how angry I got with him (obviously didn’t hurt or threaten or do anything bad) but I was absolutely livid.
He gaslit me on the drive and stood calmly saying ‘what’s wrong? Why do you behave like this? What are you doing?’ Like I was in the wrong.
He never discussed this with me and so I was fuming. I told him I was going to go in there and talk to her about why she thinks that ambushing us on our way home would be appropriate. It’s my house, I still have keys.
My husband stepped in my way and said I couldn’t go in to talk to her because her kids were in there too.
That was it. I lost my shit.
Not only was he intro new GF to our kids but also the kids to each other. 9 weeks after they met. And after I have asked him to discuss this with me repeatedly.

I basically got made to look like a hysterical woman yelling for no reason. I eventually gave up because he was continually gaslighting me, wouldn’t explain why he has ambushed me or the kids like this and why he has done this without talking to me.
He says he does not need my permission or consent to do any of this and I need to back off and stop dictating to him.

He has repeatedly contacted me today to say he has done nothing wrong and that I was completely irrational.

He also keeps FaceTiming the kids with her, even from a hotel bed with her.

I need to check if other mums would have reacted the way I did. I’m starting to feel like I’m going crazy.

I just feel powerless, hopeless and just so upset he’s done this instead of talking to me about it. He has now announced that he will do what he wants with our kids and I just don’t know what to do.

I think all 4 kids are being pushed into this. She only recently left a relationship in July - got with my husband in August and now the kids have a new man in their lives and no one seems to see an issue with this other than me."

Ok, I didn't read the whole post. Apologies. While it's too soon, she has no control. They are both free to do what they like. Preferences can be stated, but that's it. I'd suggest your friend backs up, keep her emotions away from her ex, and looks after her kids best she can.

Perhaps they ought to sell the family home and go for a clean break?
The man is behaving like an idiot but she can't control what he does with the kids when he has them or who he has over to the house.
I realised long ago after my split that I had to be even more aware and child focused because my ex wasn't going to be. I needed to try to fill the gaps that he left and always be the parent that could be relied on. It sucks but when your ex is a selfish twat that's what you have to do.

First of all, someone who is emotionally abusive should not be left alone with kids.
Yes he is abusing the kids as he is intentionally using them as a tool of torture and he does not care. Do not listen to people who are not experienced with abusive people, "it's his child too" "he has as much right as you " they don't know what they are talking about and these comments can pressure you to allow your kids to get abused by these monsters. Also some people who make comments like these are in abusive relationships or have been abused themselves without a clue. What happens? The children will grow up being narcissists as well just like the father. Narcissism passes down from generation to generation unless someone puts a stop to it and fight for these innocent children. No abusive person has a right to any child, No matter what anyone says.

Reading through that post it’s quite clear that the ex did all that on purpose to get the exact reaction he could so he can make her look “crazy” to his new girlfriend.
However there isn’t much than can be done about his dads introduce new partners to children and she will just have to accept it and try not to let him purposefully get a reaction

to get the exact reaction he could so he can make her look “crazy” to his new girlfriend
This is probably the case.
Your friend needs to be cool and detached from now on.
When it's her DC involved, that is going to be hard.
But she must try.

I don't understand why your friend left the marital home when she could have obtained an occupation order which would have compelled her h to leave while she remained with the dc.

Why is she paying half the mortgage on a property she doesn't live in and are the dc living with their df or splitting their time between your friend and her h?

Your friend seems to have bent over backwards to accommodate the twat her h and it's time to re-assess the current arrangements which appear to favour him at her expense.

She doesn't get a say here. As much as many of us may disagree with his actions, it's irrelevant, he is the other parent and gets to make his own decisions.

Loosing her shit, going mental, yes she was wrong. That's no way to behave. She can ask him to run these things past her, but if he says no, then she needs to accept it.

So yes, she's in the wrong.

Whether he is in the wrong to do it so soon, is a different matter. Because it's his choice. Not hers.

Is he still living in what was the marital home, and you've moved out? Yet a you are still paying to upkeep the house? If that's the case, I'd be ceasing that immediately, and organising the sale of the house. Ultimately I'm not surprised by your reaction, but unless there is a safeguarding concern, then your hopefully soon to be ex husband can be as irresponsible an arsehole as he wants. Can you instead start making things more formal? The relationship is over, but it doesn't need to be all on his terms either .

Your friend needs a good solicitor. She's been to accommodating. He won't be so attractive to his gf when he can't afford the lifestyle your friend is affording him.

Some really interesting replies, thanks. I'm just bumping the thread in case other people have any comments.