Found porn on my husband's phone, my self esteem is at an all time low!

[Runmum123]

For quite some time now my husband has been unable to ejaculate during intercourse. It makes me feel bad but i have tried to let it wash over me as i felt for him too. When i searched on the internet it does say that it is quite common in men over 50. I feel i cannot talk to him about it but I have told him that i have read it is perfectly normal to try and make it not such an issue. I have found porn on his phone once before and caught him watching something on TV when i went to bed which he turned off and then denied. At that time i fell out with him over it because it was as if he waited for me to go to bed, and he was being so secretive. On Saturday morning we had sex and after a while he announced "shall we get up now?" meaning get dressed and go downstairs. Later that day I borrowed his phone with his permission to look up a phone number and there was a porn site with a live cam paused on a page he hadn't closed, (i had been out shopping with my mum). I asked him "have you been watching porn?" which he couldn't deny. I just tried to make light of it, didn't say anything and didn't mention it again. After finding it previously I have suggested we introduce porn into our bedroom if it helps but he doesn't really show any interest. I know you will say i am being selfish but finding this on Saturday has really upset me. Especially as the subject matter was a 'nubile babysitter' giving the guy on the camera a BJ, (sorry to offend anyone). He used the image of this girl about 20 years younger than me to fulfill what i could not, I am heartbroken. I feel like i must not be attractive enough for him and yet i take so much care of myself physically and look really well for my age. I feel like i do not want to have sex with him anymore as it just makes me feel bad about myself and crushes my self esteem. Has anyone else been through anything similar? I do not have anyone to talk to about this. TIA

I had this problem to, I think my youngest was only 5 months old when I found porn on my OHs phone so I wasn't in the best of shape and was already feeling pretty shit about myself. I went bat shit crazy (probably hormones) and kicked him out (very over dramatic) but it got the message across that I wasn't going to put up with being disrespected in my own home. He had to do a lot of grovelling to get back through the door. Turns out men are very visual, and it's just a fantasy. It has nothing to do with how you look, it could be that he wants to do something new but could be too embarrassed to mention it? I'd go out for a meal, have a few drinks after and maybe drag him into the hedges on the way home, surprise him, sometimes men just need to be reminded of what they have.

You poor thing. Theres a chance the porn is affecting his ability to climax during sex, as he is becoming desensitized to normal sex. Do you have any sense of how often he is watching it?
My DH was addicted to porn and eventually sought treatment for that plus other addictions. It was an absolutely horrendous time in my life and I have never felt so low. We hadn't had sex really for about a year and a half in the end and it followed the birth of our child. He was younger (late 30s). I found out he was staying up late into the night and watching it 2 or 3 nights a week for hours at a time. I'm not comparing our stories as my DH had quite extreme usage and it was a full on addiction, but I just want you to know you're not alone.
He doesnt watch it at all anymore and things are much better between us, but I do think he finds it hard to connect sexually and that porn was an escape.
Please don't take it as an insult to you or feel that you're not attractive enough. Porn usage is usually far more about the user and their own issues than it is about the partner.

I often think men do this through boredom, like we might flick through woman and home or go on mumsnet. Personally I’ve known about my Hs very well hid little habit for several years now, it’s far too frequent for my liking and he doesn’t know I know, his loss, I find it a total turn off and certainly don’t feel the same as I did for many years. He has the same ‘physical’ issue as your H OP and also over 50. If he has that issue but doesn’t have trouble in actually getting an erection there is a good chance he’s watching a fair old bit of it. I think it’s bloody offensive to your partner to be honest unless they are 100% ok about it

Op - none of this is related to your attractiveness.
His struggles with ejaculation are age related as you mention yourself.
And it must be terribly frustrating for him. Porn is just a quick fix to the issue.

Get him a test to check his testosterone levels. He might need supplements.

Similar situation here. After much soul searching and trying to be more appealing I've come to the the conclusion that it's his problem not mine. if the situation was reversed the last thing I would have turned to would be porn. After many years of being made to feel that I'm not good enough ie not interested enough I've decided to live my own life, not worry anymore if I'm pleasing enough. After forty years together being single looks so good to me right now. Live life for you ❤

Anyone that doesn't have problems with a porn addicted husband can you please not post your useless opinion please.

Porn IS proven to absolutely destroy relationships, family's, ruin sex lifes, self esteem, not to mention the ethical side of it all.

It's vile and insidious and can cause irreparable damages all across the board, so if you personally have no issues with it, because you use it, or don't mind your dh using it, that's just your circumstance, and nothing to do with what a huge amount of women are dealing with because of porn.

I know exactly how your feeling OP, my DH looks at porn daily (doesn't know I know) and we aren't intimate as often as we were as he's exoeriencing 'difficulties' knowing this is how he's getting his pleasure is upsetting for me and not doing my self esteem much good to be honest

We have only been married since 2017 and I knew he struggled to ejaculate sometimes, (he had no problem when our relationship was new, which makes me feel it must be boredom) but it has got worse.
He has been married before and he had an affair on his ex wife which eventually lead to them getting divorced although he says their relationship was already broken and thats why he ended up cheating. At this moment in time I can't imagine relaxing enough to enjoy being physical with him ever again and now i am thinking he might start to look at other women. I know this is just my low self esteem but i cannot help how i am feeling. I have bought sexy underwear, sex toys for him as well as me but i feel that finding this image on his phone has just completely drained any self confidence i had. What has made it worse is that i usually give him oral sex to try and make him ejaculate and the video was a girl 20 years younger than me giving the guy on the camera a BJ so the watcher could imagine it was them getting it off her. I have lost weight, exercise 4 times a week and I wonder what the hell i am doing wrong and if he is going to start looking around, (he works away a lot, thats how it all started with his ex).

Imo it's easier for him to watch porn than deal with a rl woman. Says more about his insecurities than any you should have.
He needs to be honest though.
My dh watched it in his previous relationship and we had words at the start of ours about it - he doesn't now and I don't either.
Sorry you feel crappy op. I did when I found dh had been watching it. He didn't know my views. He does now. Job done now he knows.
Your dh needs to be open.

Thanks, he knows how i feel from the last time i found he had been watching it. I caught him as he had stayed downstairs watching TV and he thought i had gone to bed but i went back down for something. I made it clear that it had upset me that time.

:( I would send him to therapy and SAA. That’s no way to live a life.

I caught my H wanking to porn last week and I still feel like shit. Our sex life had almost disappeared and there was no affection, if I tried he'd brush me off or freeze up. Utterly horrendous.

I asked him to stay away for the night to give me space and when we talked he told me he thinks he has performance anxiety and doesn't know what made him wank to porn where I would see him.

I'm trying to move on but it's hard and I'ms till very confused about how I feel. He's trying hard to change but I can't move on.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone OP.

If some men are predisposed to wanting to view porn,for whatever reasons, then it's all so easy now,for them to access it at home, any time,day or night. They do it in secret I assume,because of the fall out with their partners.

But not sure what people have to do about this issue,as I have never had to deal with it at all.. I would not wan't to be with a man who was an avid porn watcher, but I wouldn't be devastated,or find it disgusting, I would find the man watching, a saddo, and unworthy of a good partner.

Ive been there and you have my utter sympathy. Like you i noticed he had problems performing in bed and became very distant. He would tell me to f##koff, that it was all in my head, until I showed him the videos etc on his phone that I found. That was nearly two years ago and my confidence is still at an all time low. I wish i had got a devorce from him at that time. I really do wish you the best of luck.

Thank you for your support. At least i know i am not wrong in feeling upset. Its not so much that he is looking at porn, i don't like it but i know most men do but its way he has gone about it and the fact that he was in his head he was masturbating into the face of someone so much younger when only hours before he had me there and couldn't manage it. He chose to do that behind my back.

This is a relatively recent post so hope you don't mind me posting here. Discovered my dh has been secretly watching porn on late night TV. I cannot believe it, I have lost respect for him and my self esteem has taken one hell of a battering (3 dcs also and not happy with this in the house). He calls me a prude whilst he is not the man I thought he was. I know a lot of women on mn are happy with their dh's watching porn, and my dh has tried to say this is normal and not a frequent event but to me, personally something is lost - again watching a woman much younger and unfortunately my own self esteem is not great (I discovered he had been doing this because he accidently recorded a bit of it which the dcs could have seen). This is a recent discovery and my skin is crawling, I don't know why I feel so strongly but I do. My own drive has been affected by the perimenopause and running around after a toddler all day, I think I feel touched out. Massively disappointed and feel that I have no-one to talk to in R.L. Ironically, I was recently saying how wonderful dh is - supportive, helpful etc and now this. I plan on building my self esteem back up and focusing on the dcs, not in a good place right now.

You need to talk to him about it. Did he even manage to ejaculate while watching the porn after? Maybe he just turned it on out of frustration but still couldn't manage to climax?

I don't get why some people think it is ok. It doesn't feel okay - I think it is highly disrespectful and a quick fix - lets outsource this service type of thing, sorry but it just doesn't feel right. I knew dh was attending privately to his needs but had no idea he was using visual stimulus, he has tried to justify it by saying that's what they use at the sperm banks etc. and that it was mild stuff and only occasionally. But his wife in bed upstairs and also his teenage daughter. If I didn't have dcs to consider, I would walk away. He is a fraction of the man I thought he was, respect and probably trust has gone (for now, who knows if it will ever come back). I feel sort of hollow and sad and disappointed. Who knows how long this would have gone on for, if I hadn't discovered it by accident. I look at him now and think pathetic.

whyowhy, sorry to hear your confidence is still low. That's my fear, I'm never going to gain those things back which I feel I have lost - confidence/self esteem, trust, respect for both him and me and as well as the obvious relationship stuff, he always was my rock. Everything was okay, it was just the lack of it and this has made a bad situation so much worse. Do loads of men really watch that stuff (married or with partners I mean)? I don't think I would have married my dh if I knew he was into that stuff (I'm wondering now if he has always done this or gone through phases = distrust) or maybe it's just me. I know if you read a lot of threads on here, people tend to normalise it but I think it is just grim, grim, grim.

Yes they do. Even worse with young lads/men too since the internet and mobile phones. My sister works in education and the number of issues they have to deal with now with teenage lads sharing porn is unbelievable.

Is it possible that he has the age old problem that using a tight grip to masturbate whilst watching porn has desensitised him to having real sex?
Honestly, porn causes soooooo many problems. Excessive porn watchers often make for very bad and or selfish lovers in my experience.