After a long think and a lot of reading of research articles after a period of distant from my partner, I have identified that he is love-avoidant in many ways.
My partner is an extremely wonderful person, and I have imagined my life with him. He can be very loving at times, very emotionally connected and considerate and then out of the blue he can push me away over seemingly small things and act cold towards me.
He is extremely independent, and in some respects a bit of a "loner". I am his only serious relationship (he is in his 30s). He is extremely shy and in his own words socially awkward. Having a relationship with me he said came "out of the blue" and he had never had conversations he had with me with anyone else. He has 2 close friends to whom he is extremely loyal and will always help them when they need (e.g. driving one of them to the airport in the middle of the night with 1 hours notice).
He is extremely uncomfortable about talking about feelings, so much so that he can't actually put them into words sometimes. Sometimes he will just sit and silently cry out of the blue, with no way to communicate to me how he feels.
He also flips from being extremely affectionate with me, to barely being able to touch me. For example, he will want to hold hands in public and cuddle in bed for days and then one night when we get into bed he will sleep in the "brace" position and barely come anywhere near me. He will go distant for days on end, wrapped up in his own head.
He is excessive in his own success and pursues an activity which he is quite highly regarded in. This activity always has come first, which is fine by me. He does this activity every day without fail, for at least one hour, sometimes more. So, on top of a 9-6 job he is out of the house most of the time, on the go. He has recently been promoted meaning more hours, and which has put a strain on his time. I have felt this, and he seems to think I will start demanding more of his time, and he has freaked out that his routine has been changed. He always said he was a creature of habit, and seems to think I am trying to control his independence.
He absolutely despises any kind of conflict, as in, he literally can't deal with it. Small disagreements or expressions of needs from me will lead to him not knowing what to do/what to say and going distant. This will most likely always be followed up by catastrophising and proclamations that the relationship isn't working and that he is very confused. He then says days later that he overreacted and that he didn't mean it.
Whenever he pushes me away when he goes distant, he always ends up more upset and saying that he misses me and doesn't know how to help the situation.
When faced with conflict or an argument, becoming distant, aloof or cold; even when the argument is so microscopic (e.g. where shall we eat tonight?) and then following up saying our "perfect" relationship has changed and things shouldn't be like this. He says he goes silent because he is confused and expects me to react negatively when he opens up to me. He ALWAYS thinks my feelings towards him are negative, even in these small arguments.
Despite all these points, I very much love him and I know he loves me. I know to most people this seems like an unfulfilling relationship, but I want to be with him.
I suppose what is forefront in my mind is that I can understand why he is like this in relationships. My partner was (and still is) emotionally abused by his mother. His mother picked on him out of all his siblings to be cruel to. This was due in part to him "looking like his father" who had multiple affairs. His mother would lock him outside on nights that he did something wrong, so he would have to sleep in the garden. He also was left in the house with his siblings for weeks on end whilst the mother went missing. Now, the relationship is very much my partner trying to impress his mother and get her love. It's horrible to watch and I have had to keep my mouth shut a lot the time. She massively takes advantage of him, taking his money and using his credit cards/taking out loans in his name and making him to do her favours through guilt tripping "are you not going to take your sister to X place" (even though it's a 4 hour drive).
So, I have the understanding of why he acts like he does in relationships, especially in conflict (that, in my eyes, doesn't warrant any further thought)
... now what? I really want to share this with him, but I don't know if it will push him away further. I am scared of losing him/him leaving me, because he is the first person I ever "wanted" to be with, not "needed".
I myself had therapy for similar issues, but I was anxiously-attached. I am extremely happy that I did, and I do think that my behavior with DP is so much more healthy then I would have been in the past - e.g. in the past when someone went distant, I would chase them - I don't do this anymore.
I guess I just need some direction on what to do. DP is currently in a distant phase with me and we are meeting at some point today to discuss why the argument we had caused him to go distant.
I really want to save our relationship; I dont think he is a bad person, I think he is bad at relationships, and i do think it would be a massive waste to call time.
Thank you