Life with a depressed partner - any tips?

[Married2depression]

DP has been suffering from mild depression for the last couple of months. He has been to see his GP but the waiting list for counselling / therapy is several months long so that's not been much help.
He is muddling along from day to day and sometimes he's fine and normal but at other times he's very melancholy and it's hard not to be dragged down with it myself - just another worry for me to add to the list of everything else on my mind.

He works long hours in a stressful job with a long commute whereas I only work two days a week as a TA in the kids' school. I feel permanently guilty that his work-life balance is so much more shit than mine but there isn't much possibility for change as he has a much higher earning capacity than I do, plus the location and hours of my job mean we have no need for extra childcare.

I take charge of all the household stuff - meal planning, cooking, shopping, laundry, finances and admin, house maintenance and decor, kids and their homework and driving them to all their weeknight activities - really ALL of the "family admin" is my role, apart from the washing up. Even so, I feel guilty when I have coffee with a friend or do something nice with my time off, when he is stuck at work.

We do try to do at least one nice thing together at the weekend and I am thankful that he insists that the cause of his depression is not to do with our relationship or the kids, but it's very wearing being with someone who is so low. He always used to be quite strong and self-sufficient emotionally so this is a big adjustment for me and I'm struggling with how to manage it. I never know how he's going to be, and at times I feel like I've not only lost a partner but also gained another child.

If anyone has been in my shoes and has any tips for dealing with daily life with a depressed partner, I would be grateful for some moral support.

I can only speak from my experience being a depressed dad in a similar relationship. Looking back it was a terrible time for me and I just could not shake myself out of it. My poor wife was left with all the chores and the kids. Some days I just couldn't even get out of bed.

She looked around and found a group for people living with a family member who had mental illness (of any kind). Try Caritas in your area if you have it. They may be able to put you in touch with someone. Anyway, they told her that I was going to pull her down with me long term as my first attempts at help were not working. I had been to a psychiatrist who perscribed meds and after several different tablets none were working. I had a bunch of issues going on some of which she knew about - like stress at work - but many of which she did not know. Do you really ever know a person, truly?

This went on for a period of a year and she finally took their advice and asked me to move out until I was better. That may sound harsh but actually, it was the first thing that truly pushed me over the edge and my skelletons all came flying out of the cupboard. I had been trying for so long to hold them all in but at some point it all gets too much. I had a nervous breakdown and went into a psychiatric unit for 5 months.

I know all of the above sounds grim, but stick with me. It wasn't. It was the BEST thing that happend for me, her and the kids. Inside I got help from both psychiatrists and psychologists. I never knew the difference before hand. Psychiatrists help with meds. Psychologists help by talking. They both work togoether and in my opinion are both necessary. The meds are like shock absorbers on your car. They smooth out the bumps. They also give you the strength you need to talk to the psychologist about whats really going on without bursting out into tears ever 2 mins.

Depression is ABSOLUTELY cureable. Dont let anyone else tell you different. It is just like a fracture or a burst appendix. There are people who know how to fix it. You would never dream of fixing a fracture at home, would you? Same with mental illness. It is most definitely fixable but you need to reach out and get the help you need.

When a person is depressed it is hard to find the energy to reach out for that help. I wouldnt have believed it would have worked in my mental state of doom and gloom back then. Help your partner find the help they need and hope they accept it. If they don't, then take steps to put firm boarders in place to protect your self and your kids.

That all was 7 years ago. I still take the meds and wouldnt dream of stopping them. They fix a chemical imbalance I have, and like blood pressure meds or any other long term illness, it needs to continue to be treated for it to work. I have never lost a day at work since and yes, my Ex is now seperated but I love her dearly for taking that step and booting me out to get the help I needed. My kids visit every weekend without fail and continually tell me I am the best dad ever.

Love and hugs.
J.

That sounds a long journey you've been on gmag. Thanks for being so honest. I am glad you have got on top of things now.
I wish it were easier to secure appropriate help when you need it.

Could he access online CBT? Can you afford private counselling.

It sounds like you are being very supportive and doing all the right things already. When I was depressed I just needed my partner to bear the 'mental load' for a period so I could get on with surviving. Encourage but don't force activity/exercise.

This will be tough for you, but in a way no different to how you would have to step up if he had a physical illness. Wishing him a speedy recovery . Take care of yourself too.

@Married2depression
I was wondering how you and your partner are getting on? I have just had another huge row with my partner as I could not take him being so distant and distracted all the time, especially in front of our son. Similarly to you, I do everything in the house and it is just exhausting having to be a ray of sunshine all the time. We have been to the GP, he's been given access to online CBT training but doesn't do it unless I make him and sit with him the whole time. He won't do anything unless I make him and I am tired of having to think for him as well as myself. I honestly don't know what to do. I was thinking of going to a therapist and explaining the situation and asking if this is all my fault, he makes me feel like it is.

There comes a point with a depressed partner who isn't engaging with treatment, when you have to start thinking of your own mental health. I have been there. It came to the point when I was having counselling for his depression, as he was refusing to acknowledge he was depressed so treatment wasn't even on the table.
I had to be forceful in my insistence he seek help or he was out. I know that sounds harsh, but where is the positive is the 2 of you being depressed, especially if there are children involved.

If you are considering going to a therapist yourself, I would say you are standing at that door - do you take steps to secure your own mental health or allow yourself to be pulled into depression yourself ?
I would suggest you spell it out to your DP - engage or leave, the choice is his

My story doesn't have a good ending either OP. I lasted less than 2 years with a depressed DP. It was hell. He was dragging me down with him and eventually I refused to keep being his one and only rock at the expenmse of my own mental hea;lth and happiness. I chose myself, and left him, and decided that I would never, ever again date anyone with depression. I still shudder when I remember that time of my life.

Why doesnt he have some time or sick with depression x