Devastated-My mother is cheating on my Step-dad

[Beachgirl232]

I’ve suspected this for about 6 months now as a while ago when I was staying at their house, I was sitting beside her and lots of text messages kept coming through to her phone. The name that appeared was a family friend, however this lady is quite elderly and I thought it strange she would be texting my mother repeatedly at midnight.

I hoped I was wrong and tried to forget about it. However, yesterday she was at my house and asked me to fix her email account on her new phone. This took a while but a message came through on the screen, this time from a number she had saved as a family member (obviously so that she does not get caught out) I saw the words ‘I love you and wish we could be together ‘. I couldn’t help but click on the conversation and it was all there in black and white. I only had a quick scroll but there were messages from both sides saying they were in love with each other, wish they could go on holiday together etc.

To say I was shocked and upset is an understatement. My mother had been married to my step dad for 12 years. He’s a wonderful guy whose done a lot for me, but not only that, they are permanent foster carers for my brothers 3 children due to my brother and his wife’s issues. My step dad has given up his whole life really for these children who are not his blood. He also has several health issues at the moment and I know they’ve been in separate beds for a while, but other than that they seem so happy together.

I don’t know what to do. A big part of me thinks I should just keep out of it, but another part feels deceived. I tell my mother absolutely everything and I thought we were close, but now I feel as though I don’t know who she is. In a way I wish I didn’t know this information.

I’m so disappointed in her and also concerned for the children if this was to all come out as they’ve already had enough disruption.

So my dilemma is, should I talk to her or just stay quiet?

I think you should talk to her. Your SF might know - are they affectionate or could they still just be living together as friends?

Wish I had a simple answer for you, it's not so straightforward when those involved are people you love. Tell her you know and risk your relationship with your mother, stay silent and risk your relationship with your stepfather if he finds out you know. Surely she must have known you`d find out when you sorted her phone.

I highly doubt he knows, hence why she is saving this persons contact details as other names. The separate beds thing was due to his health issues but other than that they appear very happy. I recently got married myself and my mother made a speech about how happily married they are. It must’ve been going on back then. I just don’t get it

You need to talk to her before you judge her.
Life and marriage is rarely black and white.

I’m trying not to judge her. It’s just that it’s left me in an awful position, I don’t feel like I can even tell my husband and feel awful keeping something from him, let alone from my step dad. I literally can’t sleep for worrying about it

I would have a talk with her and ask her what is going on in her life.
Maybe not even mention about the affair, just yet, see if she opens up about things.
Or....

You could even go the route of saying about a close 'friend' having an affair and how she is playing with fire and if the husband finds out, it will devastate him and the children and rip their lives apart.
Say , you can't understand why she would throw her husband's and children's love away on a man she barely knows.

Then gauge her reaction and see if she comes clean.
Only a suggestion. Good luck.

As someone who is having an affair, you might find her reasons are similar to mine - it feels like the only thing keeping her marriage and family together.

The situation she is in sounds stressful a d her marriage, while happy on some levels is maybe not what she craves.

Talk to her. Let her talk.

@Notallitseemstobe don't try to justify it. How is shagging someone else keeping your marriage together? Unless of course it's something you pre-agreed with your husband.

It’s difficult isn’t it? If you tell her you know, it might be what tips her over into leaving your step-Dad and that might not be what’s best for him, or your nephews, in the short term.

On the other hand, many would feel it cowardly not to address it and unfair to your SD. If he finds out and leaves her then perhaps he’ll be better off in the longer run and maybe she’ll be happier too. And at least he’d have the choice, knowing what was going on.

In your case If it’s impacting your relationship already, at least from your side, then speaking to her is probably the only way forward. Try not to approach it in a judgemental way and don’t demand she gives up the affair, as that’s unlikely to do anything but put a wedge between you.

I'd stay well out of it. It's upset you and that's understandable but I wouldn't dump that on to everyone else. Marriage is rarely as simply as we'd like it to be and there are 3 already vulnerable children in the mix.